Friday, March 15, 2013

More Questions Answered

So here are a couple of questions that we got yesterday.  I emailed the questions to The Duke, and asked if he'd write his own answers this time.  He agreed to. :)

From Cat: I'm not sure how long you have been married but my question is: Do you think that if you had known about it when you were first married, you could have successfully incorporated DD into your marriage?

My answer: Well, we've been married a little over five years.  You know, I'm not sure it would have, but I wish we'd known about it and tried.  I won't lie, I read a story over ten years ago about a husband that spanked his wife over an event, and it made me really feel I was missing something in my life.  I've felt that way ever since.  I grew up in a very abusive household, from my mom.  So I have a huge guilty complex.  This woman explained how having her husband spank her for something she felt guilty about for several weeks helped her to let go of the guilt and move on.  I was jealous of that, wishing I could have that, but not daring to ever admit it out loud.  We married five years ago, and I kept that longing a secret.  Feeling I could NEVER share it.  What a relief it was to find out about DD last summer/fall.  It gave me a beginning spot in which to talk to my husband.  At first I just told him what I'd found, not sharing my interest because I was too afraid of being rejected.  Now I'm so glad we're starting.  

But why it wouldn't have worked when we first married?  My husband and I both grew up in very female led households.  Other mother's led our families in ways I never saw in other households.  They excessively led, and their husbands followed.  My husband had no idea how to lead, but worse, he acted like he had to be my doormat.  It would drive me insane, and it took several years to even get him to understand that that is not how I wanted things, this is not how he acted when we dated, and I wanted more of a balance back, and him to be more assertive like he'd been when we'd dated.  It took me a while to realize that when he was growing up, his mother had made all his decisions for him, so it's been a lot of work to get him to step out in making his own decisions, to not fear making mistakes, and it's still a rough journey he struggles on.  I wish we'd had DD all along, when we lost our son, I think it would have helped me cope more if I'd had someone on my angry days to just tell me to stop, and calm down.  But we can't go back, but I'm so glad we're going forward.  And I really do believe now is a better time to start than it would have been for him when we first got married.

The Duke's answer:  Hi Cat. I don’t think I could have successfully incorporated DD into my marriage when I was first married, no. For one thing, I was a lot younger when I was first married, and so I was a lot less mature, less confident, and did not have a firsthand knowledge of how marriage relationship dynamics really play out. I think I would not have understood what DD really was, or how it works, and would have thought it was something else. I would have assumed it was abusive and dangerous. As well, I did not know my wife as well as I do now. I think I would have been afraid to really spank her or discipline out of fear I would either hurt her or turn her off or away from me.  I love her so much more now I feel I love her enough to do DD if that makes sense.

From Roz: My question is what is a positive change you have noticed in yourself and in the Duke since embracing ttwd?
My answer:  I think we have seen several positive changes.  The biggest I've seen in Duke is that he's starting to be firm with me, and I need that.  I need him to have the confidence to do that, and I need him to do so to help me be more submissive.  For me, I find myself doing more things for him, just because I want to show him my love.  I didn't do things for him like I should have, and even though there is still room to grow in this area, I am much more respectful to him in keeping in mind what I'd think he'd like for me to do for him.
The Duke's answer:  Hi Roz, I feel like I have noticed our marriage changing for the better. I think since DD I have felt more confident in marriage and in expressing myself more and feeling better about my decisions. I feel my wife is more willing to listen to me and be submissive to me. I think our relationship is stronger, and that we have a stronger bond to build our future on.


  1. Hey Es May and the Duke...Thank you for your honest and very heart felt answers. I am so happy that you found DD and that it is working for you. Sending you positive energy for your wonderful continuing journey!


    1. Thank you for the question. :)

  2. Hi Es May and The Duke, Thank you for sharing your honest answers. I enjoyed reading this.

    I can very much relate to your answers to my question. There really are so many benefits to this lifestyle and I'm so glad you are discovering some of them :)

    Wishing you all the very best on your continuing journey.


    1. Thank you very much, Roz. :) We hope to keep discovering more and more benefits. :)

  3. Es May,
    Since a female led relationship formed both your youth, I wonder why it is that you became the submissive.
    Why are you not spanking the Duke in a DD relation?

    1. You know, that is a great question! I started to answer it here, but feel that deserves its own post. :)

  4. Wonderful that you both have grown together with DD - thats a wonderful advantage of this lifestyle! Thank you both for sharing your story!

    1. You are welcome. And it's true, we are finding that we are growing closer and closer together because of this lifestyle. :)


Please feel free to leave any comments, but I do ask you to be kind. We go into this with eyes wide open after months of prayer, and a peace in our hearts that this is the right choice before God for our marriage. I am open to questions from those who wonder why we made this choice, but I would ask for no personal attacks. Thank you. :)

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