Wednesday, January 30, 2013


It's been a lazy two days.  I'm writing right now with the futon down, my two babies {cats} sleeping at my side, and just loving the quiet.  Yesterday my body crashed.  I couldn't do a thing.  I'm supposed to do three hours of chores on my first day off, but when I really couldn't even get out of bed, my husband said I needed to rest, and I was so glad that he did.  All day yesterday it literally felt like my body was asleep!  It was so weird.  I was exhausted from the long hours at work, and the rush we had to do.

Sunday at church proved hard.  Three new babies, two of them almost a month old, and one that was six days old.  That meant there were close to ten babies at church.  Babies under 12 months stay out in the service at our church.  There are only about 40 people, so that meant 1/4 of the church was babies. I have been remembering my son the last few days, so that was making me more emotional too.  I literally ended up having a panic attack.  I can't remember the last time that happened, and I never had them before we lost our son, which was almost two years ago now.

I had to leave the service.  I'm co leader of the children's department, so when the children came out, I busied myself with cleaning up after them so that I didn't have to deal with everyone.  I didn't want to hide, but I was literally afraid of having a complete break down.

After church/before work, we went to what we could of small group.  The lady that had just had her baby six days before was there.  I asked if they were allowing people to hold the baby.  She said "Yes!  Totally!"  The baby was still in her portable car seat, and even though I said I could wait, the dad was eagerly getting her out for me.  I was in heaven.  They let me hold her for an hour and a half, and I just revelled in every single second of it.  I loved it.  I had to go to work way before I was willing to let her go.

Then at work it was the extra hours, extra busy, extra chaos, and I was just over whelmed.  For the first time all week I didn't meet my quota.  My last call of the day broke it.  If I hadn't gotten that one call I would still have been good.  Now, I've done good enough all week for it to totally cover that one day... but I felt like a failure.  All week I've been bragged about, high fived, complimented, encouraged, and then I felt like I failed.  Monday was better and I got above my quota again.

Last night was maintenance.  My husband felt he'd been too hard on Saturday, and so did a less intense session last night... I mean, it hurt... but I did not get any processing done, no role affirmation happened in my head, none of the stress had a chance to seep out from my weary body.  I didn't know how to ask for more.  I was just exhausted.  I think I need to sit down with my husband and admit it... but he also wasn't feeling well last night, and I didn't want to push it.

I don't know how to make sure a maintenance works.  Sometimes it works in a minute, sometimes we go 3-5 minutes and I'm still not where I need to be.  I'm praying to find the balance, praying on how to be more honest, praying that if need be, my husband learns to read me during a spanking.  Saturday hurt so much, but it was just what I needed.  Last night my husband did the spanking easier because he loves me and didn't want to push me too far... who am I to question that?


  1. Es May, this has got to be such a tough time of year for you. Give yourself some grace. Anyone would be struggling right now.

    A daily quota at work sounds like a lot of pressure. Remember, all you can do is do your best each day...but you're not perfect, so don't expect yourself to be.

    Maintenance...well, the two of you are still finding your way. Communication is huge and I hope you do talk with him. He may be backing off because he knows that you're dealing with a lot right now too. But what a lot of husbands don't understand at first is that often means that we need more, not less. He will learn to read you better, but you have to help. Maybe you could pick a time each week to talk about how you both think things are going, what's working, what's not, and what could work, but maybe needs to be tweaked a bit.

    (((((hugs))))) Hang in there Es May! You're in my prayers!

    1. Thank you, Grace, I'll try to give myself some grace. hehe, trying not to laugh at the pun here. :) I wish I could take that day off of work, but I think I'll ask for a maintenace that day to actually try to help, a good cry to start the day off might be just what I need. He actually has the day off before, so maybe we can even do it then.

      It is a lot of pressure to have a quota, but it helps keep me motivated as well, it's just when I can't seem to meet it that the quota bothers me.

      That is a really good idea, to have a set day each week... it would be awesome, another time to talk and bond set aside besides date night. :)

      And thank you for the prayers, I'll definitely need it as we face the second anniversary of losing our baby.

  2. Es May, Grace said it all so well, I can't really add any more except to say be gentle to yourself and try to make sure you lean on each other. This is a tough time for you.

    My thoughts and prayers are with you.


    1. Thank you. I felt like such a baby sharing all of this... but then wondered if I should... because it's honest, it's where I am, and it does affect stepping into DD at this particular moment.

      Thank you for the thoughts and prayers, I'll take all the ones I can get through out the next week. :) Thank you so much. :)

  3. Hi EsMay
    Sorry I did read this and wanted to reply earlier. But I've been a bit poorly.
    It must be such a hard time for you. I'm so sorry your angle son was taken from you. I always think babies that are taken so early are too good for this life and belong with god. It doesn't make it any easier though, I know.
    My thoughts and prayers are with you in this difficult time.
    Best wishes x

    1. {{{HUGS}}} Thank you. That means so much. It is hard to have him gone, but I look at it this way, it just makes me all that more excited to get to heaven when it's my time. :)


Please feel free to leave any comments, but I do ask you to be kind. We go into this with eyes wide open after months of prayer, and a peace in our hearts that this is the right choice before God for our marriage. I am open to questions from those who wonder why we made this choice, but I would ask for no personal attacks. Thank you. :)

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