Sunday, January 06, 2013

So Many Babies Can Be Hard

Today was so hard.  We have a small church.  Only about 40 people on a regular week, and almost half of them are children.  Since we had a baby in 2011 that only lived two hours, I've had a hard time hearing news about babies.  I am happy for them, but I need time to go home and process first.  This week two people in our church had babies, so I braved myself to face them, hoping and praying that I would honestly be happy for them.  I knew I'd have to see both families up close because I was one of the volunteers to bring them both food for meals, so there was no getting out of it.  But what I didn't expect was for a family that usually hurts me anyways to pull me aside right before I had to speak in church this morning, and tell me they too were pregnant.  They just found out.  This will be child number three.  It was so hard to speak in church today.  I was already overwhelmed preparing to see the two new babies, about starting work tomorrow, not being able to sleep because my husband can't sleep on his stomach this week which means he's snoring, being sick with a sinus cold and flu, and a few other things...

Not only have I had a miscarriage and had a baby die as well, but it's also been very hard for us to get pregnant.  Five years in, and we still have no living children.  I want it to hurt less when I hear someone is pregnant, but it never seems to get easier.  We are now the only couple in our church, besides ones that just got married, that has no children.  I feel so out of place.  I will be 35 soon... and I feel like my dream is slipping away.  I want it to hurt less.  I want to stop missing my son so much.  I can't believe I had him for only two hours, yet almost two years later I can still feel him in my arms, I still remember him holding so tightly to my hand.  I sometimes wonder if I'm jealous... and maybe I am to some degree, but it's more of being reminded all the time of my dream, and how I'm not getting it.  I said to myself this morning, I really thought I'd be pregnant by now.  And for the first time, realized how many times in the past four years I've said that.  It might be time for me to give up this dream.  I have already been trying.  I'm not succeeding, but I have to at some point, or the want and the hurt will kill me.

But there is good news, what made it easier this time hearing the news of yet another pregnancy (we currently have 6 babies and three on the way in our church, not to mention friends and family) was that my husband stepped up to the plate to be there for me.  I even found the drive home easier.  Since I'm no longer allowed to speed, it means I have to be more in control over all, I've always been a really safe driver, sometimes even to the annoyance of those with me, but not being able to speed means I have to exercise more control, so needing to keep good control of the car meant I had to keep good control over my emotions.  I thought it would annoy me not being able to speed, but I actually felt so peaceful about it.

My husband was very pleased with me.  Also, this morning, he asked me a question.  I wasn't thinking, and just answered with "maybe".  He deepened his voice and said "That doesn't answer my question."  It so shocked me.  I loved it.  He's never called me on it if I do it in the past.  Never.  I feel I don't do it often, but since I don't pay attention, maybe I do dodge his questions more than I think.  I asked him how it felt to call me on it, and he said it was good.  I asked him how my dodging the questions, even without thinking, made him feel.  He said it annoyed him, and he admitted at my further questionning that it always bothered him when I did that.  So I'm glad now that he'll call me on it.  This way, even if I don't know I'm doing it, he can still get answers from me.  This really helps because my husband is always so fearful of saying anything to hurt my feelings, especially since we lost our son, and I want him to see that I'm not going to fall apart at everything.  Yes, there will be times like today, but that is that, I'm not a time bomb waiting to go off.  Thank goodness he's seeing that. :)

Back to work tomorrow for the first time in 9 1/2 months.  I'm nervous, but also feel good about being able to contribute to our finances again.  When the center I worked for last spring closed, I really did not think it would take so long to find work.  But God has been faithful, where all the money came from, I can't even say, but thank goodness He provided.


  1. Es May, I'm so sorry for your loss or I guess I should say losses. I can't pretend to know what you're going through, but I know that I've said things without thinking before around women who have either lost a child or been unable to get pregnant and I've felt horrible afterward.

    It sounds like your husband is stepping up in his HOH role and I'm glad that's a comfort to you. I hope your return to the workforce is going well. I will lift you up in prayer. (((hugs)))

    1. I feel like I want to hug you for your honesty. :) I do understand that a lot of times we just don't realize when speaking what others have gone through. I did a course in GriefShare and it taught a lot about understanding that most people aren't actually meaning to say hurtful things, and that helped a lot, and I'm sure a lot of women understood that it was not your wish to hurt them. Thank you for reading my little blog. :) It is great to meet you. :)

  2. Dear Es May,

    I just found your blog, and wanted to tell you that someday, it will get easier. I lost my first baby at 39 weeks; he was stillborn. Then, I lost my second at 9 weeks, less than a year later. I also struggled to get pregnant, and there have been other losses, other circumstances. I commend you for taking this step in your marriage; I'm sure you're aware that many relationships suffer after the loss of a marriage ended in divorce. Things are better for me now, in so many ways, and I know they will be for you, too...someday.

    I wish you all the best, and will offer special prayers for you, your baby, and your marriage.

    Tami, who knows something about grief.

    1. {{{HUGS}}} Thank you so much. My marriage would have ended if my husband had let it. I tried so hard to push him away. I was so hurt, so angry, so lost. I wanted nothing that reminded me of my son, not my house, town, not even my husband, it was all just a constant reminder, it hurt too much. I honestly don't deserve this man who refused to let me leave. I am so sorry that your marriage didn't make it, but am so glad that in so many ways your life is better now. {{{HUGS}}} I'd love to hear about it sometime. Thank you for the prayers, we're about to hit the 2 year mark, and I'm already very emotional, so I'll take all the prayers I can get! Thank you so much.

  3. Es May,
    I won't continue to hijack your combox, but since I suspect that there are others who might like to know and wonder if it's okay to ask...what is your son's name? (Apologies if I've missed it somewhere on the blog.)

    Two years is hard; heck, all the years are hard! As someone who has been there and has the authority to do so: I give you permission to feel everything you need to feel. Don't worry about getting "over it". That never happens; you let it become part of you, and in the end, it makes you better, and stronger. Hold your husband close, and let him take care of you.

    You know what helps with grief? Yarn! And since it has no calories, it's good for your your case, in more than just one way!

    Tami, who speaks knitting as fluently as she does grief.

    1. You know what? I totally agree with you! :) I started knitting again about 3-4 months after we lost our son, and never stopped. I have made so many baby blankets, and baby sets of hats, booties and mitts. I find it very theraputic, and with so many babies happening, there is always someone to give them to, and then some extras in case we are able to get pregnant again. :)

      And thank you for the permission to grieve. Sometimes I feel like... it's been two years, get over it. But then I have to be honest with myself, I have done really well lately, I think I'm only emotional right now because of the influx of babies in our church, and because his birthday is about to happen. That, and I've been asked to speak about him on Saturday night and my process to heal. *GULP* They didn't realize when asking that it was right before his birthday. And I agreed beause at that point I was doing a lot better. Here's hoping I don't break down and ball in front of 200 people!


Please feel free to leave any comments, but I do ask you to be kind. We go into this with eyes wide open after months of prayer, and a peace in our hearts that this is the right choice before God for our marriage. I am open to questions from those who wonder why we made this choice, but I would ask for no personal attacks. Thank you. :)

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