Saturday, January 05, 2013

Really? Can't I Get This Right?

I feel like I shouldn't be allowed to drive anymore.  Okay, so I don't really believe this, it's just me feeling down, but driving earned me my third punishment in two weeks, this time because of a dead battery. 

Yesterday my husband had his appointment to remove the small lump from his chest.  Figuring he wouldn't be allowed to drive home for fear of stretching the stitches, I drove him.  I must have turned the lights on when I started the car and forgot, and so didn't turn them off once we got to the hospital.  This would not have been a big deal except we had to wait an hour for him to get to the room, and then he had to wait over half an hour in another room, and the procedure took half an hour.  We also arrived early in case they needed him for prep time, not knowing we'd have to wait.

I left my husband on a bench at the door of the hospital because the freezing they used made him dizzy, something they told him would happen when they gave it to him.  When I got to the car, the battery was not completely dead, but it was close, just enough to turn on the car dome light, but the car wouldn't start.  I was so mad at myself.  This is the forth time this has happened to me, and the last time was only two weeks ago.

We have had the car about two and a half years, for the first 1 1/2 - 2 years this never happened to me.  But for some reason in the past 9 months or so, I've started turning on the lights in the day without realizing it.  I've come out several times to the car, in plenty of time, to find out I left the lights on.  I have always been so responsible for the cars we've owned, so this turning on the lights without realizing it is really bothering me.  So two weeks ago I decided to do all I could to check to make sure I turned off the lights every time I left the car, so even if I hadn't turned them on, I'd be in the habit to check.  But yesterday it happened twice.  The first time I was only gone 20 minutes, so no big deal.  But to happen at the hospital when all I wanted to do was get my husband home?  Not good.

So I walked back and told my husband and apologized.  I was so mad at myself.  I wasn't even thinking about a punishment, I was just so mad at myself that I'm usually so together, and yet for the forth time, because of me, our car had to be boosted.  Why was I being so dense?  I never needed to learn a lesson repeatedly.  Even my friend later last night said it really wasn't like me to keep making the same mistake.  I don't know if that made me feel better, or worse.

I called two friends.  One, her battery had died just last week from the cold alone so she didn't think it would be safe for her own battery to try.  The second one wasn't comfortable with it because she didn't know how to do it and was worried we might fry her computer.  So I called my pastor, who I've gotten to become friends with.  He said he didn't have cables, but that if I did, he'd come over, so he did and gave us the boost.  As we left the hospital, I told my husband I was so sorry, and that it was bothering me that I was usually so responsible and dependable, but yet couldn't remember to turn off the lights.  My husband looked at me with love, and you could hear it in his voice, even though he had to be firm.  "I know, but I'll have to punish you for this.  I don't know how else you're going to remember to check the lights when you get out of the car."  It was said so gently that I felt no judgement, just his want to help me in this.

I had suspected a punishment would happen, and I didn't even try to fight it.  He was right.  For the first time since I can remember, I was really struggling to break a habit.  Had it been the first time, or even the second, I know there would have been no punishment, but a forth time meant something was ingrained, and it had to be broken.  So I admitted to him that he was right.  That nothing I was trying was working, and maybe having to be punished for it would put it right in my head.  My husband was too sore and tired when we got home last night from the procedure, so we'll see when he can do it.  If his chest is sore, it won't be a spanking, but something else.  I told him that if he's okay with it, I want it to be something else so that he does not risk injuring his incision.

On the way home last night, we had to make a few stops, and I've figured out when it is I'm turning them on.  I start the car, put it in gear, and as I reach for the steering wheel with my right hand, my left hand leaves the wheel, gives the lights a flick, and goes back to the wheel, all in under a second.  I was amazed how naturally it happened every time, especially since I never trained myself to do this.  That is what is so disturbing.  I used to do this several cars ago because it didn't have day lights, but made myself give it up once we got day lights to avoid this very scenario of dead batteries.  Weird.

Since we have to play it low key, today we're celebrating our anniversary since it's this week.  We were going to last night, but my friend, who is a nurse, said it might not be safe to have wine since he'd had freezing that bothered his head.  So we'll celebrate today.  We're going to keep it low key.  A pizza, bottle of wine, (we rarely drink, and only a little bit when we do, but we always try to have wine on our anniversary) and watch a movie.  That way my husband can continue to rest.  I'll let you know how the punishment goes when I receive it.  In a way, after the last spanking, I'm glad to think he can't give me one right now.  I feel I still need time to mentally prepare after the last one.  I think in another couple days I'll be alright, but for now, I'm still very skittish about it.  I'm so hoping that passes.

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