Thursday, January 10, 2013


I do not feel that I am in a good headspace today.  :(

I really feel like I need a spanking.  Not as in I want one, not as in I crave one, but that I need one.  I feel so unsettled today.  I feel angst, and just general unease.  But I also feel rebellion rising up in me.  I was challenged a bit at work today, and I did not like it. 

We were put into pairs for our training, and then our pairs were swapped.  I was put with a guy that is a bit boisterous, and likes to have fun.  We did all the tasks assigned to us, and then we talked for a bit while we waited for everyone to catch up.  My trainer then took a minute with me when my partner left for a minute to let me know that the guy had been partnered with me because they thought I'd keep him focused on the training, and then the trainer walked away before my partner returned to his seat.  What did that mean?  I had gotten us to do all the tasks that were asked of us.  So then I felt like a failure.  So when he got back, I just said that the trainer apparently wanted us to do more of the same work, though I still wasn't sure of that... and even though I didn't feel like I was lying, I was guessing at what needed to be done.

I felt frustrated for the rest of the day.  I work hard, I pay attention, I ask questions if I don't understand, and am usually the best, or close to the best in any training class I've ever been in.  I strive to be the best, I strive to succeed, and I work hard to do my ultimate best.  I felt like I was being accused today of not doing that. 

I guess I'm also feeling some agnst too because my husband has not really being doing DD this week.  Yesterday I made a mistake and turned off the car without realizing I had turned on the lights.  Thankfully I was parked in front of another car and noticed my lights reflecting in their headlights, so I was able to turn mine off.  But then today I again forgot to check the lights, and thankfully I saw my lights reflecting back to me in the mountain of snow piled up at the end of the parking space.  I really believe both of these times it was God saving my butt.  I have been working so hard at not doing this, and then to make a mistake twice in two days, I'm so upset with myself.  We have realized why I might be doing it now more than ever.  The beeping sound the car is supposed to make when you leave your lights on isn't coming on when I get out of the car.  So we are going to call the mechanic in the next week and see if there is something he can do to fix it.  In the mean time, my husband had me type out 100 times that "I will not leave the lights on when turning off the car."  We decided typing would be best to save on trees.  I think that I need to have more lines if we go with the typing.  I can type about 84-90 words a minute.  I do not really feel that it took enough time to make me deal with this better.

I also have another confession to make.  I caught myself speeding.... three times yesterday. :(  I had to do an hour of driving, and I wanted to get it done before a storm started, and it was going to get dark at the same time the storm hit, and I didn't think I had the time to get back before hand.  I didn't mean to speed, but in my frazzled state of mind caught myself speeding three seperate times over the hour.  My husband says that once his stitches are out on Monday, I will be spanked for it.

So that too has me a bit set off.  So I sit and wait...

I also have not been able to keep up with house work this week because there is just so much going on.  I cannot wait until Saturday to be able to catch up on what I haven't gotten done during the week.  Maybe that too will help.


  1. It does sound like you're on edge Es May. Since spanking isn't an option right now, perhaps there's something else your husband could do or have you do that would help? Michael sometimes uses submission exercises with me when he's not home and when I'm needing something. Or sometimes when he is home he will do something like brush my hair for me while talking to me soothingly and maybe rub my back to help me get into a better head space. Anyway, I do hope you're feeling better soon. I hate that antsy feeling. (((hugs)))

    1. I think that is what it will take. We talked about corner time today... and was surprised when he didn't put me in it... so we'll see what else happens. I think I'll spend some time tonight looking up submission exercises... being so new, I'm not totally sure what they are, but I really like the sound of it... I'm guessing they are just exercises that remind me that he is in control, and I'm not?

    2. Yes, exactly. A submission exercise can be anything really, but the goal is to reinforce your role as submissive to him. ;)
      I wrote about them a little here: and here: and in that 2nd post I also linked to a post Sara wrote on the topic.

    3. Thank you, I looked up some ideas, and then when I got your links, looked them up too. Just what I need I think. :)

  2. Found you and didn't get a moment to read anything, but I'll come back after work or tomorrow and catch up.


    1. Thank you, Susie. I am not sure I have anything interesting to say so far, but thank you so much for looking around. :) I hope you find something you like.


Please feel free to leave any comments, but I do ask you to be kind. We go into this with eyes wide open after months of prayer, and a peace in our hearts that this is the right choice before God for our marriage. I am open to questions from those who wonder why we made this choice, but I would ask for no personal attacks. Thank you. :)

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