Friday, January 04, 2013

A Bad Night

Last night was bad.  Really bad. 

Even though I wasn't feeling good on Wednesday, I needed the car for one thing that day.  For some reason we were running late.  As I said last week, when we're in the car, my husband prefers for me to drive.  So when we got into the car, I prayed that we would make it on time.  About five minutes from my husband's work I realized we were going to cut it very close, and he's supposed to be there five minutes early, and that definitely was not going to happen.  I realized when I looked down at the spedometer that I was going 15km/9m over the speed limit.  If you recall, I'm not allowed to go that fast over the speed limit.  This really upset me too because usually I never go over.  I could probably name five times, if that in a year where I accidentally went over, and never purposefully.  So to do so twice in a row bothered me.

So last night my husband spanked me for it.  After he did twenty warm up ones I found I was really hurting.  He said we could stop if need be.  I told him that was up to him, that he got to determine how much of a spanking I needed.  So he gave me five more hard ones.  I found though I still hadn't broken through my mentality to not speed nor reached a breaking point, so I told him that maybe in the future we should do 5-10 more.  He decided to do them right then and there and made me get the bath brush, even though I had meant for future reference.

I wish I hadn't said anything.  I wish I could take it back.  He proceeded to spank me about twenty more times, but it was too much.  They were too hard.  At the last two I was bawling, but not in a good way.  I recoiled inside myself for a few minutes afterwards and bawled.  I never make a sound when I cry, but last night you could have heard me through half the house.  I couldn't talk to him, and just wanted to be by myself.  It was not a good place to be in.  He just rubbed my bottom for comfort, and once I was ready, pulled me into his arms. 

So afterwards we talked.  He realized he pushed too far, and said he was really worried after the spanking when I pulled inside myself that I wasn't okay.  It actually scared him I think.  I told him that we are learning as we go, and that we will make mistakes.  I also admitted it wasn't until the last two spanks that my mind went from feeling like I was being spanked to being beaten.  And I don't even know why it went there, but that is where it went.

So next time he's going to try to use a little less force, but to also listen to my signals better.  I guarantee though, even though speeding was a mistake this time, and I didn't realize I was going so fast, I really will keep a better eye on the speed now and not just follow along with the flow of traffic.

I am so glad the cuddle time is so often talked about in DD.  Last night I am not sure what would have happened if we weren't making that a practice.  Last night, more than ever, I needed that time with my husband.  I also admitted to him that I needed him to tell me a few times that he loved me.  It was also great to hear him say how proud he was of me for not trying to get away from the spanking once it started and that I didn't roll off the spot this time, which was on his lap.

Last night my husband admitted he wanted us to stick with DD now, and it was good to hear it from him because I've been half afraid I've pushed him into it.  So this weekend we face our anniversary, and I'm super excited!

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