Didn't See This Coming

Spankings have not been a big part of our DD experience yet.  I really thought it would be, but it's not working out as planned.  I was physically abused at the hands of my mother when I was a child.  It is something I have over come, and I have a great life now, and is something that never comes up anymore.  But when approaching DD, one of the warnings they give is to those that have been abused in the past.  So I was prepared to handle things if I panicked... but what I didn't expect was to sort of zone out during a spanking, like, my brain disconnects from what's going on.  Going over my husband's knee does not make me afraid, or remember my past.  I sit over my husband's knee just as confident in his love as always, feeling as safe as always.  But then, at about spank 3, my brain switches.  All the sudden I'm not laying there, waiting for the release so many people in DD talk about, that release of emotions.  I was so looking forward to having that experience, but so far, it's been a no go.

So far we've only had my husband's hand which gets sore quickly, a wooden spoon which doesn't really hurt, and a bamboo cane for spanking.  Because of the severe nature of the bamboo cane, I read up on it a lot to make sure we used it safely.  The only reason we even have it is that a few summers ago I bought bamboo cane to put in the garden for climbing plants.  I had some pieces left over, one of which was about 20-24 inches long, and smooth all the way around except for one notch about 6 inches up, which seems to have been purposefully put there to point out which end is to hold, and which end is the business end.  So when we used that, we did a few trial runs first to see how hard was safe, and my husband really listened to my lead on that one, thank goodness!  But because it can be an intense weapon, we only use it up to 20 times, 10 a bit softer, 10 a bit harder.

So yesterday I went out in search of a wooden paddle, or wooden hairbrush, or wooden back bath scratcher/brush.  The wooden hairbrushes that I found all had ceramic in them as well, that did not sound safe, and having not heard about ceramic, I refused to buy it.  I could not find a paddle anywhere I looked, not in a single store.  But I did find a thick, long handled bath brush, but they were only made out of bamboo, I could find none made out of any other wood.  But because it's a bath brush with a wide flat head, and not a cane, I think it will be safe to use.  I'm hoping because this bath brush will be able to be used longer than the other items we have, that maybe I can come out from behind the wall in time to emotionally reconnect before the end of the spanking.

Until now, my husband was worried about hurting me during a spanking, and so kept them rather short, or I think short, maybe I'm wrong, but 30 spankings or under.  So we've agreed next time to a warm up, and then 50 spanks afterwards.  I have a REALLY HIGH pain tolerance due to daily pain from headaches, and I don't bruise, so I think this would be good to try to see if I can reconnect before the end.  How high is too high a number for spankings?  I can't seem to find that.  I also hear about timed spankings, but never seem to be able to find what is a good, or safe length of time?  I'm going to guess it just goes up here or there depending on if you're a beginner, moderate or experience?

When I looked into DD, and prayed about my past, I felt real reassurance that feeling like a victim would not come back into the picture.  And so, in that sense, the abuse is not bothering us entering DD.  But if this zoning out, or what ever it's called, keeps happening, then in that sense, it is bothering us entering DD.  So for now we use other disciplines, I find having to write lines really helps!  I have found I really don't like that!  And I haven't lost my laptop yet, but that is a REAL motivator to behave. :)  I love my laptop, I prayed and waited for it for a LONG TIME, so I really don't want it taken, even for a night, for punishment.

But I won't lie, I'm almost looking forward to my next spanking to see if the brush will make all the difference.  We plan to try it out this weekend for my first maintenance spanking.  We're only having it because I'll be around people I do love soon afterwards, but who also stress me out if I'm even a little bit frazzled.  So we're hoping this will make me more relaxed when I'm around them.  I'll let you know how it goes.