UNDER CONSTRUCTION

We had to take down all our posts for a while. We did not realize that to put them back up would repost them in everyone's feeds. We apologize for that. We also will do our best, as life allows, to get the rest of the posts up as soon as possible. :)

Sincerely, The Duke and EsMay

Sunday, November 24, 2013

Maryanne - Jokes For You

Okay, Maryanne, I am behind, but hopefully if you still need entertainment, as I promised in my last post, here it is. :)  These are my four favorite jokes to tell to friends.  One is one Cat told not long ago, so if you read it there, feel free to skip here, it is joke 1. :)  I'll do each joke in a different colour. :)

Joke 1:

A ship of men set out to sea in order to draw the land and see for sea maps.  About a month into their voyage a crewmen calls down from the crows nest.  "Captain!  One pirate ship, dead ahead."

The Captain looks up.  "Come down, and then bring me my red shirt."

The crewman does as he is ordered.  The Captain puts on his red shirt and they fight the pirates as they board the ship and win.

A week later the same crewmen calls down again from his crows nest.  "Captain!  Three pirate ships, dead ahead."

The Captain looks up.  "Come on down then, and bring me my red shirt."

The Captain puts on his read shirt , they go into battle, and defeat each pirate as they board the ship..

The crewmen is so excited, and goes to his Captain.  "Captain, why is it that whenever we see pirates, you ask me to bring you your red shirt?"

The Captain answers.  "The crewmen all look to me when they are fighting.  As long as I am doing okay, they will keep fighting, but if they ever suspected I was ever injured, they would stop fighting and come to tend to me.  I need them focused on the battle at hand, and not me.  So when I'm wearing a red shirt, they will not be able to see if I have been cut and am bleeding."

The crewmen thought this was very noble.  The next week rolled around and yet again the crewman had to call down to his Captain.  "Captain!  Nine pirate ships, dead ahead.  Do you want me to bring you your red shirt?"

"NOOOO."  Said the Captain.  "Bring me my brown pants!" He moaned.

Joke 2: - For this joke, I need to pull in some ladies from blogland.  Roz, Cali Mom, hope you don't mind. ;)  Now usually you make fun on one person, but so that I don't hurt anyone's feelings, I'll be the butt of the joke. ;)

Roz, Cali and EsMay were all traveling in a car when they had an accident.  They arrive at the pearly gates and meet St. Peter.  He welcomes them, and tells them to go right on in.  But first, he must give them a warning.  "Don't step on the ducks!  God loves ducks, they're his favorite animal.  Whatever you do, don't step on any ducks!"

Roz, Cali and EsMay figure this is no problem, so they gladly enter into heaven, all excited to look around.  Three days in, Roz is looking up, amazed at the sky in heaven.  What weird and beautiful colours.  She takes a step forward, and trips, falling on her face.  She looks behind her to see what could have caused this, and sees a duck skuttering away.  She stands to dust herself off, hoping nothing really terrible will happen for this.  But as soon as she is righted, her body is slammed against, and all the sudden she is fused from hip to shoulder with a man.  She takes one look at him and her stomach lurches in her throat.  He is the most repulsive man she has ever seen.  It is all she can do not to be sick to her stomach.

An hour passes when Cali catches up to her, but her smile fades when she sees the man attached to her.  She goes to ask Roz why she is literally attached to this man, when Cali herself steps on a duck.  Cali too is slammed into, and the next thing she knows, she herself is attached to an equally appalling man.  Roz and Cali decide they need to find EsMay to warn her about how serious it really is to step on a duck, and try to get her to avoid they same mistake.

It takes a few hours, but finally, they caught up to her.  Their jaws drop.  EsMay is already attached to a man, but this man is drop dead gorgeous.  The ladies look at his electric blue eyes, chiseled features, and his muscular body and do all they can not to drool.  Roz looks back at EsMay with astonishment.  "HOW did you get HIM!?"

EsMay opens her mouth to respond, but the man answers first.  "I stepped on a stupid duck!"

Joke 3:

A pastor was interviewing at a church.  They decided to have him preach before the congregation, and then the church would vote as a whole on whether they wanted this man for a pastor.  So he came and spoke, and led a 10 minute sermon which everyone loved.  Still, it was decided upon that everyone would like a bit more meat to their sermons, so they wanted to give him another week to prove himself.  The next week he came and spoke a 30 minute sermon, and everyone loved it and thought it was just right.  But because he'd talked so little the week before, they wanted one more week to see how he did.  So the next week he comes and preaches for two hours!  Everyone loved all that he had to say, but they did not want to be spending two hours every week listening to a sermon.  So the deacons decide to have a talk with him.

"Sir, we really love your preaching style, and would love to have you come and be our pastor.  But we do have a concern.  The first week you only spoke for ten minutes, the next week you spoke for thirty minutes, which is in the range we'd prefer to have on a weekly basis, but then this week you spoke for two whole hours!  What is going on?

The pastor answered.  "Well, I'll be honest.  The first week you had me here, I had just gotten dentures, and they were bothering me, so I was only able to speak the ten minutes.  Last week I was really getting used to them, and even though they still bothered me a bit, I was able to lead a normal service.  But this week when I woke up, I put my wife's dentures in by mistake!"

Joke 4:

A lady named Sheila died and went to heaven.  At the pearly gates, St. Peter greets her.

"Hello, and welcome to heaven.  I just have a skill testing question for you, and then you can go on in."

She looks at him a bit wearily.  "A skill testing question?"

"Yes, you see, God just wants to make sure He lets in the smart people.  So your skill testing question is to spell cat."

She looks at him incredulously, but replies.  "C A T."


"Perfect!  Come on in."

Shelia begins to like St. Peter, and spends many days chatting with him.  Over the course of a few months, she watches time after time as he gives people skill testing questions of words exactly three letters each.  But one day, St. Peter informs her that he has been called up to talk to the Big Guy.  He tells her it would mean a lot of she would mind the gate.  She agrees to.

A few minutes later she is shocked to see her husband walking towards her.  "Henry!  What are you doing here?  What happened."

"Sheila, is that really you?  I missed you so much."

Sheila is touched, she'd missed him too.  "What have you been up to since I was gone?"

"Oh, sweetheart, I've been really busy.  I sold the house, I know you never wanted me to, but you knew how much I wanted a larger home.  And then, you remember my secretary Cathy that you kept asking me to fire?  Telling me all she wanted was to get into my pants?  Well we started seeing each other and got married!  And then I quit my job deciding we could live off your insurance money as Cathy really didn't want to work anymore anyway."  Turning from her, Henry heads to go through the pearly gates, but Sheila stops him.

"Not so fast, before you go in, you have to answer a skill testing question."

"Okay, shoot."

Without batting an eye lash, Sheila replies.  "Spell Czechoslovakia"


If you got this far, Maryanne, I hope you enjoyed. :)  {{{hugs}}} EsMay

And thank you everyone for your comments to my post about my friend and our long DD talk, I promise to reply to those asap. :)

Saturday, November 23, 2013

Long DD Talk With Non DD Friend

Maryanne, I keep meaning to write a funny post for you.  If you're still in need of one on Monday, I'll aim to write one for you. :) :)

If you have been reading along for a while, you know that a few months ago I lied to my best friend when she asked if I was spanked.  Her tone worried me that she would be quite upset.  But the lie ate at me until a month or so ago I finally broke down and told her the truth.  I have been worried ever since telling her that we practice DD that it might end our friendship, but I had to fix the lie.  {This is a bit longer post, sorry, hopefully you find it worth the read.}

Well last Friday, 8 days ago, DD came up.  We had not talked about it since that night when I told her we do indeed practice.  But Friday night she wanted to talk about it.  So I told her what I felt safe telling her, and how it made me feel.  This probably lasted about 20-30 minutes.  I even admitted how I wondered at times if we should ever talk to our pastor, as with the articles that went out this summer, and talks of possible new ones, I don't want anything bad to happen to the Duke if anyone in our church found out and did not agree with how we live our lives.  She said unless something happened, to just let it go for now.  She also said that I probably did not give enough detail in my blog to identify it as me anyway, which is close to the truth.  I was surprised with how well she seemed to be taking it all.  She even asked to read the post I wrote after the article this summer, so I copied and pasted it into an email, I just don't want her to be able to find my blog..  But on Saturday she asked if we could talk sometime as she had some questions. She did no sound happy.  She was at a party, but I said yes, and we talked the next day over the phone.

She had so many questions, she had done a lot of reading after our talk on Friday night, and had gotten some bad info, and misunderstood some others.  Am I EVER glad she asked me instead of just going with what was online.

Her first question was if we did maintenance, and she sounded so upset, so afraid for me, my heart broke for her.  I admitted that we did, but told her why.  I told her how we find that a weekly spanking helps keep me calm, helps me let any stress that may be building up.  I told her how the Duke will also at times do one if it seems I'm starting to spin out of control.

She asked if I had bought the starter kit.  I laughed, and laughed, and asked where in the world she'd heard that.  Is there a starter kit?  If there is, I haven't seen it.  Does it come with paddles?  Book?  Rules?

She asked about the retreat, still so much doubt, fear and a bit of anger in her questions.  I told her I knew of a retreat, but that I wasn't going.  This is where she began to soften.  She admitted it would be nice when you do something so few people do, to meet up with them and be able to hang out.

She had read that I was to live my life just for the Duke, and that I wasn't allowed to have any opinions.  It scares me that this is true for some.  I told her we did DD because I wanted it, and if I ever wanted to stop, we would.  I love to make the Duke happy, but that isn't my entire world.  I also told her that I get to share my opinion as much as the Duke does, and that at times he chooses what I want, and at times, he chooses a different path, but it's all with the best interest of me and our marriage in mind.  He always puts me before himself, and in that I never have to worry that he'll make a decision selfishly.  I admitted how many times this stops a fight, because I can trust him with the decisions he makes.  She said she saw how this could help many marriages.

She asked why I got to get punished, and not the Duke, was I ever allowed to paddle him?  I admitted to her that if I put my foot down, that yes, I probably would be allowed to paddle the Duke, but that I NEVER wanted to.  I reminded her of how I hate being in control in my marriage, how stressed and even ill I get when I have to handle too much.  I told her that now that the Duke is wearing the pants in the family, I wanted it to stay that way.  I told her that if I ever was to spank him, I'd feel that I was taking that control back, and I'd feel all the stress and anxiety that comes with it.  She admitted that it would be good for me not to be in that place again.  And I told her how the Duke enforcing a rule with me actually makes him more conscious of how he's doing with that own rule in his own life.  I also admitted that if I don't get punished, then I am just like I was before DD, carrying around a bunch of guilt, and that the Duke sees how a punishment helps me, and frees me, and makes me smile again, and that it is worth it for both of us.

She admitted to me that she had talked to her fiance, and that she was very sorry.  I told her I had suspected she would, but knew she wouldn't talk about it beyond him, and she agreed that is what she had planned.  She just had felt so scared for me, so afraid I'd been brainwashed, or was doing this against my will that she needed to talk so someone.  She expected her fiance to be as freaked out as she was, but he wasn't.  To be honest, he is very happy about us practicing DD actually, and this was before her and I got to clarify all this.  He saw how black my depression got after we lost our son.  He was really worried about me.  He also knows that since then, it's too easy for me to go from being really happy to nothing is but a black hole.  Literally, it can happen in minutes.  But it hasn't been happening lately, and he's noticed how happy I've been, but wasn't sure why.  He told my best friend that for me, I probably needed the structure, and that he was glad the Duke was giving that to me.  It really surprised my best friend, but gave her more to think on.

She had a few more questions that were a bit scary from what she'd read, and over our forty-five minute phone call, I answered them all.  At the end though, I told her, that what we do works, but that I couldn't tell her exactly why.  I told her a lot of women felt that way.  It works, but we aren't sure why.  I started crying when I told her how happy I was, how safe I finally felt, how loved, and how I finally felt worth the Duke's time and attention.  I told her how we talk for hours on end at times, how he selflessly does so much for me now, how peaceful I feel when that feeling of submission settles inside of me.  She admitted she loved how happy I had become this year, and that I didn't sound afraid of the Duke at all.  She even ended up being happy for us, and I could tell she was being very honest.

I never expected to share so much about what DD means, but I'm glad that I did.  She ended our conversation asking if we could still be friends if she and her fiance didn't practice DD in their marriage.  I told her that of course I would still be her friend, and that I honestly believe that only half the marriages I know would benefit from DD, others it would be detrimental, and others already looked great without it.  But, I won't lie, hearing how she and her fiance talked about it, and what they felt it would and wouldn't do for them, something tells me it's going to be something they do try. ;)  And she is so much like me, that I honestly do feel she'd feel more safe and loved and centered with it.  But either way, she's still very happy, and whether she does it or not, doesn't matter to me as long as they both are happy and love each other. :)

I am SO THANKFUL that my friend talked to me, and didn't just believe what she read.  When she first called, she was full out panicked, and I am scared to think how much that panic would have grown if she'd waited to talk to me.  But afterwards, you could hear the relief and joy in her voice.

But all this had taught me something very important about this corner of blogland that I kind of knew before, but this really drove it home.  We NEED to be here.  Some of the things she found out at other sites scared her, and it was right that they did when she told me of them, this lifestyle is not about fear.  We need to be here to show people that DD can and should be done in a beautiful and loving light.  That DD is about making your marriage better, not about suppressing the weaker spouse and making them live in fear.  DD works different for each marriage, but we can be here to give options, and show what's working for us so that those starting out have a good place to start to look at when figuring out first steps {without comparing to their own marriage}.  We need to be here for support for each other, during bad times and good times.  We can be here to offer an ear, advice, options, love, and our hearts.  Blogland, for all of you out there that I now consider family, thank you for being all that to me, and so many others that are searching for something to make their marriage make it, through thick and thin, until "death do us part".  And not just make it, but be happy and thriving while doing so. I've said it before, but hope it's okay to again, THANK YOU blogland for all that you do and mean to me!

Thursday, November 21, 2013

The Duke And A Baby

I am planning our church Christmas party with another lady in the church.  You may not remember, but in January last year I talked of a newborn I got to hold, and then talked here or there about a little baby girl I got to hold.  Well it's her baby.  She is just the cutest thing, and just loves me.  Yep, I'm so humble. ;)  Well last night the whole family was here so the wife could help plan the party, and the baby kept looking at the Duke.  Now, the Duke likes kids, but babies, well he's a little frightened with them.  This girl is 10 months, but built like she's 6 months.  So when this little girl wanted to be with the Duke, I handed her over for a good half hour, and my heart melted to see the two of them together.  She was just enraptured with him and giggled and laughed to her hearts content, he didn't look too sad either. ;)

I asked him later if he was upset with me for handing her over to him when she was so cutely flirting with him, and he wasn't upset at all.  He was quite happy, and he kept thinking how great it will be when we have our own.

This past few years have been a hard wait, and I really do feel a baby is very close for us, but a friend helped me put the wait in such a great perspective.  A year ago, I was afraid my marriage was ending.  I don't think we would have divorced, though you never know, but I was becoming dead inside with no love left.  What made me think it was okay to bring a child into that?  This year would not have been the year to deal with a high risk pregnancy and learning DD, we needed the time to get our footing in this lifestyle, without the hormones thrown in.  My marriage had to become good first, we had to get on a good page.  Now I can honestly say that if we started a family now, there would be lots of love to pass on, there would be a stable family environment for any children we bring into the world, and I'm also healthier from the changes we've made, and that means a healthier start for any children we have.

Yes, waiting has been hard, but I now see the blessings in having to wait.  Here or there we buy something to prepare for a baby.  Tonight we picked up five 3mos onsies, and four 6mos onsies, and 2 pairs of 3mos pants.  So CUTE!!!

Just another way DD is setting our world to rights.  My next post will be to tell you about the hour long conversation I had with my friend about DD!  It was shocking, an AMAZING. :)

Oh, and about the Bear Jars in my last post.  You all had so many questions I wanted to share. :)  They are quite large jars, the tall ones are 7 1/4 inches tall, the short ones are 6 1/4 inches tall.  Filled, I believe the two little ones would be about 2lb, the large ones about 5lb.  And you can't buy then in stores, they were a promotion back when I was a child, so probably the 80's, they had Kraft Peanut Butter in them, smooth had green lids, crunchy had red, but you can find them at flea markets, second hand stores, vintage stores and online. :)  I will reply to all your comments on the jars hopefully tomorrow, but Saturday at the latest. :)  And Willie, no, I probably wouldn't have asked permission, I would have asked his opinion, but probably not permission, which is amazing to think how far we've come. :)

Tuesday, November 19, 2013

The Duke Said Yes!

I have something to admit, I am at times very goofy, or nerdy, or however you want to look at it.  I have wanted to collect the Kraft Glass Bear Jars for as long as I could remember.  In our first year of marriage my mother in law found out.  She had three that were her kids.  So she asked my husband, who of course said yes, and his siblings, if they ever planned on using their bears that were currently in storage, and if not, could she give them to me.

That was 5 years ago.  Since then friends and family have found more and more for me, I have duplicates of so many now that I use for other things, but one of each I use as canisters.  For some reason though I never could find one on my own.  My friends and family that found the jars would never let me pay for them.  One by one I completed the collection except for Grandma Bear.  She is extremely rare, and this year I set out to find her.  Well I did, for $35 on ebay, after almost the whole year of searching.  I debated, and then sat down with the Duke to talk to him.  I figured the answer would be no.  But we thought about the fact that I hadn't paid for a jar yet, and so I could look at it as in owning the whole set for $35.  We also talked about how this was the first time I had found here anywhere listed at all.

Well, she came in the mail today!  She is in the middle of this photo.  Now the bear head with brown rice in it does not sit with the others on my counter, but wanted to show the whole set here.  He does not fit with the other jars on my counter, and this is not my counter, my kitchen is too dark and the bears kept turning a horrible yellow color in the photos, so this is another room.

Left to Right - Papa Bear Head with Brown Rice, Grandpa Bear with Brown Sugar, Plain Bear with White Sugar, Grandma Bear with Red Star Yeast, Band Bear with Cocoa, Mother Bear with Whole Wheat Flour and Papa Bear with Flour.
The big ones held 1.5 kg of peanut butter, the smaller two held 750g.  So they are a great sized canisters.
Click on photo to see better if you wish.

Isn't she cute???  She even has a bun in her hair in the back!  I filled her with yellow Red Star Yeast. :)  And normally I wouldn't put cocoa from it's container into a canister, but I just had to have a black bear, so that is what the band bear has. ;)  The bear head came without a lid, and the only one I could find to fit was actually a Skippy lid... do you think Kraft will ban me when they find out? ;)

Anyway, I am so thankful that the Duke realized how important this was to me, and didn't just look at it as it being a little empty glass jar.  I have spent the whole day smiling, and feeling even more loved than normal.

A year ago he probably still would have said yes, but because he wouldn't have cared what I bought.  This year, the yes means so much to me.  He really sat down and thought about it, and not just about the fact that we had the money, but about how much it meant to me, and how happy I would be to finally complete my collection.  He really wanted to spoil me in this way, and I feel it. :)

Dear Duke, thank you, I promise, in a week or two, I'll get some of this silly grin off my face, until then, you'll have to put up with it. ;)

Saturday, November 16, 2013

Noticing DD Where Never Seen Before

I love reading Lori Wick books.  Okay, I'll be honest, I've only read her first three series and two stand alone books, I own all those, but have now bought two other series I hope to get to soon in ebook form.. :)  One series I own in book form came on sale this week for ebooks on Amazon for $9.50 in total for all four books in the "A Place Called Home" series.  Now, I've read this series a few times, but I never noticed all the DD innuendos in the first book! ;)  I read the first book yesterday and finished today.  There are three times where I thought, wow, that sounds like DD, and each one got more evident.

At one point the grandmother says that if she'd acted a certain way when he husband was still alive, he'd have taken her to task.

At another point a woman said she thought about cutting her hair, and her fiance told her that if she did, he'd paddle her.

The last one was when the grandmother did not want a party, and found her granddaughter, and two granddaughters in law planning one for her.  She told them they all deserved to be spanked, and told them she was going to get their husbands.

How did I miss these before???  LOL  They are not DD books, they are Christian romances, but I just LOVED to see these in the book. :)  Now as I read the rest of the series again, I'll have to see if there are more of these thrown in. :)  Now I can't help but hope and wonder that the author knows a bit about the blessings of DD herself. :)

Ah, the things we notice as we settle into this lifestyle. :)  Have you noticed this too?  That there were things that seemed pretty evidently DD once you practiced that you never gave a second thought to before hand?

Thursday, November 14, 2013

Learning From My Parents Mistakes

Well, my parents went home yesterday.  It was one of those, glad you were here, glad you are gone kind of visits.  I loved having them here, I really did, but after having them here for five nights, I was ready to have my bed back again and have my apartment back to shape.

I noticed something when my parents were here.  They pick at each other, a lot.  My mother more so than my father.  What shocked me was that sometimes they could sound really mean to each other, and then start laughing.  And not just laughing a little, but full out laughter that sometimes even ended in tickle fights.  I was so shocked that I needed time to process.  Usually when they pick at each other and fight, I'd try to diffuse things, but the Duke was making points last time that maybe I should step back.  But I was confused.  Why was picking at each other working for them?  Why did it make them so happy when having someone pick at me makes me so sad?  Am I just too sensitive?  Can I not take a joke?

So this time I didn't interfere just ask the Duke had suggested.  But you want to know what happened after a few times of the picking and laughing?  The anger started.  The picking would go too far for one of them, and they'd get mad.  The other would think they were joking, and take it a step further until the other was flat out livid and sometimes even yelling, even with the Duke and I in the room with them.  After a few days, it was getting really hard to handle and my nerves and patience were wearing thin.  That, and I need at least 30 minutes of alone time a day, and 8 hours of sleep.  I was getting absolutely no alone time, and maybe 6 hours of sleep a night.  I did as the Duke asked last time, and didn't interfere once, and this happened a dozen times a day, at least. 

The last night of their visit they were going strong, and finally, without thinking, and having been around the snarkiness for several days, I myself said something snarky to the Duke.  My eyes bulged out of my head, I was so shocked.  And not caring that my father was right there, I stopped, faced the Duke and told him right then and there that I was truly sorry.  I told him I had promised to not be snarky with him, and that I had broke that promise, and once again told him I was sorry.  I didn't do it to get out of a punishment, even though there was none.  I did it because first of all it was wrong, and second of all, I had acted that way in front of my dad, which made it ten times worse.  The Duke didn't care, but I DID.  I don't want to be rude to the Duke, but I also don't want to end up like my parents.  Part of the reason I wanted the Duke to step up way before I knew about DD was because I wanted my marriage to be much happier than my parents.  I love my parents, I really do, but I don't want the kind of marriage they have.  I want their to be respect, a lot less fighting, a lot more support and love.

My dad knows from their last visit that I've been working on being a submissive wife, and that I'm working on doing things that honour the Duke.  He told me at the time that he thought this was a good thing.  This time he even saw me wearing a dress, and deferring to the Duke a lot more.  I didn't even buy one thing while out shopping with them without asking the Duke first if I could have it.  My mother seems to find it weird, and you can tell this is so not for her, but I wish it was.  She has been the head of that household the entire time I was growing up.  It isn't working.  I wish I could tell them someday about DD, but I can't.  My mother would never keep the secret.  When she knows something, the whole family does, even if you tell her you don't want to know.  I don't worry for me, I don't care if every single person I know knows that we practice DD, but I'd hate for the Duke to be wrongly accused if people chose not to see it in the right light. 

I hope my dad realizes I'm trying, and that I'm not a big failure at being a submissive wife.  I hope that he sees that in the trying, I'm not perfect, but I am really working at it.  I also hope he sees the apology for the healthy thing that it is.  I really think he and my mother could learn a great deal if they could just learn to tell each other they were sorry, and truly mean it.  But to be honest, if my dad doesn't realize these things, I'm not going to worry.  It's not him I have to please.  It's the Duke.

AND, the Duke was so impressed with my behaviour this week and how much he loved how I deferred to him so much, and little things like doing the dishes for him when that is his chores, that when we got home from work last night, and I went to put the apartment back the way I like to have it, he came along side me and helped me!  Without my having to ask!  And he stayed and helped me until everything was done.  I..., that has never happened, I've always had to ask... and this time, I didn't feel like a burden, I felt like he wanted to help me, and that melted my heart.  I almost cried... I'm so not used to feeling that special.  And with his help, the whole place was done in like 20 minutes! :)

And then... it was maintenance.  I dreaded it, I was just so tired, but it ended up being great.  He only used his hand, and he talked to me the whole way through it.  And tonight he went to the store, and brought home my favourite chocolate bar.  I love that man. :)

Step by step we keep growing, I wonder what next week will bring. :)

*** My laptop fan died today, so my time at the computer for the next two weeks will be limited while it's out for repair.  I haven't been able to go back and read posts from the whole few weeks I was insanely busy, but have been trying to read your posts this week, only to find out that 20 blogs in my list were hiding. :(  I felt horrible.  So I finally found out how to get them showing again.  Thank you all for your patience as I've been a horrible blogger.  But I'm back, and hopefully the next two weeks will work out for me to keep up. :)  If not, do you think it would be less than submissive to kick the Duke off his computer more so I get enough blogging time? ;)

Tuesday, November 12, 2013

Loving Our Lurkers

HAPPY LOVING OUR LURKERS DAY! :)


I wanted to say hi to any lurkers I have out there. 

HI! :)  *imagine me waving my hand at you, inviting you for a cup of your favourite drink and a nice little sit down talk* ;)

From time to time, you guys introduce yourself, and I am always very honoured when you do.  The fact that anyone would read my words really tugs at my heart, and I want to say thank you.

For anyone wishing to comment, please feel free, I always love to hear from you.  Or if you have questions.  I also love email, esmayslife @ gmail.com (without the spaces).  I know how scary it can be to make contact, so don't feel you have to, but if you want to, I'm here. :)  I know my first time commenting my heart stuck in my chest, I was so terrified.  But I am so glad I did.  I have made so many wonderful friends, some that we comment back and forth with on each others blogs, and some whom I email more than comment with.  But the support I have found here in blogland is so overwhelming.  If you ever feel you want that, this part of blogland is such a safe place to do it.  My blog, or any of the others.

And if you don't feel like commenting, I still want to say thank you for reading along.  If I can help you at all in finding out things about this lifestyle that has been such a blessing to me, my husband, and our marriage, than I am deeply humbled and honoured.  I make a lot of mistakes, I don't always know the right thing to think or feel, but if in all that choas, it still touches you, I'm so thankful.  Thank you for reading along, and I hope you have an absolutely wonderful day. :)

Monday, November 11, 2013

Not Sure Where I'm At

I wanted my post today to be about my parents visit, as in as much as I love them, they were really hard to put up with today.  But I just am in a weird headspace, and not sure I can even put it into words.

I have this angst lately.  Not enough time alone with the Duke and I miss him.  I crave him.  I just want time to sit in his arms, feel his authority, feel his dominance, his care, his love, and his control.  I have loved our times together, and yet the little that I have gotten just doesn't seem enough.

I keep looking for ways to please him, and he's starting to notice.  Yet I still desire more.  I feel like I'm addicted to pleasing him, be it his favourite meal, a dress I'm wearing, or asking his permission even over something small.  But I'm craving it.

This is a good craving, right?  I've never really craved to make someone else this happy.  You know, this is a dog eat dog world, I've never really been taught to put someone else before myself to this degree, and yet I long to.

I think all this is magnified with my parents.  My mother has said a few things about the past that left me feeling very vulnerable and shaky.  Not meaning to, she, in her weird way, thought they were funny.  I did not.  And so I long to have the Duke's strength with me as well, and in wanting him there, I also want to find ways to please him.  Also, it's another month we aren't pregnant, another month I've missed my cycle with this disease, and so I wait for the next one to try again.  And I think I've just needed something else to direct my attention to as I am starting to feel the dream for another child, one that will live this time, slipping through my 35 year old fingers.  So a distraction seems so good, and the Duke seems like such a good choice.

I'm not sure where all these thoughts lead, or if this is a good path or a bad path, it's just where I am right now.  I hope you all have a wonderful week a head, mine, that was going to be laid back, literally got filled to the brim on meetings I could not say no to. :( :(

Friday, November 08, 2013

I'm So Loved, And So Thankful For That

I'm still here, but have been a horrible blogger.  I have not had two minutes to myself all week.  So I still am behind.  I have cleared my week next week and am hoping to be able to finally catch up with you guys! :)

This chaos has been taking it's toll.  I usually need some me time every day, some time with the Duke, some time with God, you get the picture.  Without being able to really do any of those for the past couple of weeks, I have been having a hard time.  A feeling of unbalance, loss of control, vulnerability, and so on have been happening.  But the great thing is, the more this has been happening, the more the Duke is turning into my rock.

While growing up, I was blamed for everything, didn't matter if I had anything to do with it or not, I was blamed.  On days I had done nothing wrong, my mother would make things up just to keep me looking bad with my dad.  So whenever anything goes wrong, my first response is to say I'm sorry.  Well the Duke has been working over the past two weeks of getting me to stop feeling guilty when this happens.  He'll grab my shoulders, look me directly in the eye, and flat out ask me how I had anything to do with the problem.

Also, he's been calling me out on putting myself down.  It hasn't been often, but the few times it has, he's been letting me know that what I'm saying isn't true and that he doesn't want me to say it.  Also, I tend to worry about asking the Duke do too much, that I'll annoy him.  Well my parents are coming to visit this week.  I was in the middle of another declutter (Bedroom, guestroom, 3/4 of livingroom EXACTLY how I want them, finally!) and then I found out they were coming, so I had two rooms I had piles I was going through that I needed to get done.  I did not have time to do it on my own, but was very reluctant to have the Duke help me.  I kept telling him I'd do it myself.  Well, it became clear I couldn't, and when I said so again, the Duke again grabbed me by the shoulders and gently asked why it was that I couldn't accept his help.

He's also become more possessive.  He's always held my hand when we're out, but now he holds it more firmly, and instead of me leading where we go, he has been.  And last night, he actually told me what he wanted to have for supper, which is very rare.  He's worried when I had a fever, made me lay down for the day when I was really sick, and took care of me.  I am also asking permission more often, and for his opinion, and really craving the feedback.  He in turn is acting more carefree and joking around way more.

This man that is emerging, is making me love him even more, and I didn't know that was possible.  I literally have been near tears a few times this week because I have never felt this much love.  And you will be glad to know, I have not earned a spanking since my last post almost two weeks ago! :)  Though, I have had my kindle taken from my hands when I stayed up too late one night, and a couple things like that.  But they too make me feel so loved and cared for.  Last year I didn't feel loved at all, and was begging myself to stay in our marriage, and now, I can't imagine a single day without him.  For all of you that had blogs this time last year for me to find, THANK YOU!  I don't know where I would be today if I hadn't found you all and been told about DD.

I hope all is going well with you, and when my parents leave on Tuesday, I really hope to catch up! :)  Oh, and what I wrote about my mom here, she has changed a lot, and all is forgiven, so this should be a good visit, like the rest have been in the past few years. :)