UNDER CONSTRUCTION

We had to take down all our posts for a while. We did not realize that to put them back up would repost them in everyone's feeds. We apologize for that. We also will do our best, as life allows, to get the rest of the posts up as soon as possible. :)

Sincerely, The Duke and EsMay

Tuesday, July 30, 2013

Helping? Or Hurting?

When do you know when to step back?  Step up?  What makes you realize you're not submitting, or that you are, but you're in the wrong mindset?

The landlord is someone I literally would have punched in the face had he been here today.  I have not been able to get someone here to fix the roof yet... and that means the tenants have not been able to use their bedroom for a week now.  This is driving me insane, and them too.

So my landlord called last night and said he got a number of a guy off this weird site, and so I was really apprehensive about it.  Still, this morning the Duke called, and talked to the guy.  He came out today, and I was the one to talk to him and his partner.  They took a quick look over the roof, and the ceiling that had leaked.  As I followed them out of the apartment to ask them some questions, no word of a lie, they RAN to their truck, jumped in and peeled out of the driveway. 

Hmmm... NOT GOOD.  Exactly how bad is that roof then?  The first contractor that promised to do the job will no longer get back to me, and they literally run from me?  I'd only ever seen that in the movies before now.

So now I'm talking to some men in my church, asking if they have any ideas of who I should talk to, know of any reputable companies or men in the area that can do the job, and so forth.  But tonight I asked the landlord a question, and he told me to just get the job done.  I was livid.  It's his fault it wasn't fixed last year.  We were not told about this when he left.  We were just asked to mow the lawn and collect rent checks.  The guy he told us to call if there were any problems with the house is a guy that has been given less than a year to live and had no idea our landlord told us to call him.

So here is my question.  The job is really the Duke's, but he gets overwhelmed very easily, and I'm trying to figure out how to help him so that he has less on his plate.  But if I'm getting overwhelmed too, am I making things worse?  In my wanting to help, am I taking over when I should be letting him grow?  He did so well the other night, I was so thankfully shocked... should I just back off again?  Let him take over?

I really did start out wanting to just help him, but now I do wonder if I've bitten off more than I can chew.  I wonder if I've made him feel once again that I'll come to the rescue whenever things go wrong so that he doesn't have to... he hasn't said so, and I really do have to ask him, and I will, just haven't had a chance to yet, but I really think in trying to do the right thing, I did the wrong thing.

Thank goodness one thing we learn is that mistakes happen.  You know what... I think I'll take five minutes now, and see if he has time to talk.  I want to make sure we're on a good page together, and that he doesn't feel like I'm trying to usurp him.  I do believe in him, I just wanted to help, but it might look to him that I have no faith in him, and I have to make sure that isn't the case.

So anyway, does that ever happen to you?  Do you find the same, that you were trying to help, and it totally backfired?  I'll let you know how the talk goes.

Monday, July 29, 2013

Care To Join Me??? :)

First of all, I want to say thank you to all the lurkers out there that read my blog.  I want you to know that I am honoured that you stop by and read.  I know you may never feel comfortable enough to introduce yourself, but I wanted to say hi all the same. :)  And if you ever do want to write as well, I want you to know that that is alright too. :)

So, before I wrote today's post, I just found a reoccurring question from yesterday, so in case you don't check back, just wanted to quickly fill you in.  My next pregnancy, I will be on bed rest.  So yes, we are looking into adoption, and have been on the lists for four years now or so.  But right now we feel we should try for our own as it will be harder to have an adopted child running around and be on bed rest.  So we have asked everyone we know to pray for a baby of our own now, and later on we'll ask for prayer for adoption, but feel there should be unity in the prayer for a baby of our own.  So yes, thank you for all the advise, we do plan to adopt someday. :)  We just hope to have one of our own first.  And thank you for all the encouragement, I am happy to say that today is going much better! :)

Okay, so now, for my thoughts for today.  Today I actually have a favour to ask. :)  A kind of reminiscing if you will.  We keep getting more and more new bloggers, and more and more lurkers, and I think it's just wonderful!  So my favour from you is to ask you to share two things if you would in the comments.  I am going to answer my own questions as well, and hopefully any new bloggers that come along, can learn from some of our mistakes, and our victories. :)  Now, DD is different for every couple, so that is why I thought having different people share would be a good idea. :)

So, here are my questions, if you're willing to play along. :)  Even if you only wish to answer one or two of the five, it might be a big help to someone out there. :)

1. What was the biggest misconceptiong/mistake you made going into DD?
2. What do you wish you'd been told before approaching your spouse with DD?
3. What were the best things you noticed early on in DD?
4. If you could start DD over again, what would you change?
5. If you could give one piece of advice to someone starting out, what would it be?

Okay, so, here are my answers, and if yours are similar, don't feel you can't answer. :)  I'd still love to hear what you think. :)

1. What was the biggest misconceptiong/mistake you made going into DD?
-  That the Duke would automatically want to be in charge, and would take to DD like a duck to water.  He is getting the hang of it, but it's been almost a year since I started talking to him, and 8-9 months of living it.  It was slow going, but very worth it.
2. What do you wish you'd been told before approaching your spouse with DD?
- That it was okay for my husband not to be excited about DD right away.  It took several months of talks, but at first, I thought him seeming resistant to it meant it would never happen.  I am glad I was wrong.
3. What were the best things you noticed early on in DD?
- There is something that happens when you're over your husband's knee.  You're vulnerable, it's intimate, you're safe, and even though you're about to have your bottom set on fire, you know it's for your own good.  Also, the Duke became more playful, and we started having more fun in general.  We started feeling more free after starting DD.  We talked more, and listened more, and just liked to be together more.
4. If you could start DD over again, what would you change?
- I would have told myself to congratulate the Duke more, and thank him for his progress, and not be so upset that he wasn't growing at the pace I thought he should.  The Duke had been a leader when we dated, and stepped completely back when we got married.  I knew he had it in him, but I pushed too much, and made him feel inferior I think when all I really meant to do was encourage him and gently challenge.
5. If you could give one piece of advice to someone starting out, what would it be?
- Mistakes will happen.  You'll think you'll act one way getting spanked, and be surprised to find yourself doing the exact opposite.  You'll get spanked too hard sometimes, too soft others, too long, too short.  You'll think you should do one thing and you should do another.  Be willing to make those mistakes and learn from them.  Allow grace for each other as you learn.  If you get spanked too hard, realize he's never had lessons, he too is learning as he goes.  If it seems he is inconsistant, remember this is all new to him, and he's probably wondering when to give you grace and when to stand firm.  Talk through this mistakes, work on them, and you'll come out stronger and better than ever. :)

Anyone else feel like sharing a few pieces of advice? :)

Thursday, July 25, 2013

LITERALLY, MY HERO!

Got to my comments like promised, and now can't catch up on my last ones until tomorrow, sorry to be behind.  But I had to write up tonight while it was still fresh.

We are temporary superintendents for a year.  Two days ago one of the tenants came to me saying her bedroom ceiling was leaking.  OIH.  I panicked, I've never owned a house, I had NO IDEA what to do.  So I went over and took a look.  I could not get a hold of the landlord, and so I called the guy next door that does inspections.  I figured he'd know a guy to call.

Thankfully he did, and I called the buy, but he couldn't come out until the next day.  So come yesterday he took a look at the roof and told us that a huge chunk of the roof is missing and that a tarp was only taped over it.  WHAT!!  Finally got a hold of the landlord, and he was like "Yeah, well it was leaking last year, so I put that down as a temporary fix.  I guess it's leaking again, huh?"  Okay, so he's 3000 miles away right now, choking him with my bare hands was not an option. 

So the last two days has been me trying to get things lined together so that when the next rain storm comes tomorrow, she doesn't have a waterfall in her bedroom again, and this time maybe worse.

Combine that with extra hours they are making me work at work, being hormonal from the vitamins, no sleep because I hurt my foot last night, and it was throbbing so bad it kept me up half the night, that in turn caused a migraine, and by tonight, I was bawling.  I just was so stressed out.  I cannot remember the last time I was anywhere close to this emotional.  I just, even when I'm frazzled am not this bad.

The Duke was visiting with a friend tonight that he hasn't gotten to see in a while.  He called in to check on me, and try as I might, I couldn't keep him from hearing the panic in my voice about getting someone out tonight to at least tape down the tarp until the contractor can get here to fix the roof.  He called me back five minutes later saying he sent his friend home, (they'd only got to hang out for 2 hours) and that he was going to pick up tape for the tarp and head home to me.  I bawled, I felt horrible he'd done that after he'd been so excited to see his friend, but he told me I needed him, and he was going to be there for me.  He even told his friend that, what a guy!

He came home with the tape, and my favourite ice cream drumsticks.  He then called a guy who has a ladder that can reach the roof, called the neighbour to help hold the ladder, and got everything done for the roof tonight.  I was even panicked the Duke would have to climb the roof as he's never done that before, but the guy with the ladder climbed up for him without being asked and got the Duke and neighbour to hold the ladder and hand him stuff up.  I tried for two days to get things done, and the Duke comes along and right away gets everything together. 

So now the tarp is taped down and hopefully ready for the rain tomorrow since the contractor can't come until after the storm.  It was 9:30 by the time we were done.  Once inside the Duke let me know that because today was so hard, I'm to be in bed by 11:00.

If you'd told me today how the Duke was going to come through for me, and come to my rescue, I wouldn't have believed you.  I love the Duke, but he gets very overwhelmed very easily, and in trying to make things easier for him in the past few days, I overwhelmed myself.  But he saw that, and came to my rescue and rescued me from myself.  I'd prayed for God to send help.  Boy did He ever.

If you ever, EVER, hear me say the Duke never comes through for me.  Remind me of today.  Because today, the Duke is all hero, and even though it's almost bedtime, I'm going to be able to sleep tonight, because of him. 

Tuesday, July 23, 2013

It's About Balance

I want to thank you all for your wonderful words the other day. I'm going to be replying to them tomorrow if I can't tonight, but right now felt I should write about what's going on in the time I have.

After a blow up with the Duke last night, we've realized something. Not to take the blame off of me, but we think it's not me that is making me crazy all the sudden this week. I've been up and down, my appetite for intimacy is insatiable, I've not been sleeping well, and things that usually never bother me are flat out ticking me off. I even was upset with one of my cats.

Then we remembered, about six weeks ago I started taking a vitamin to help with hormones, then two weeks ago I started taking the other two vitamins you can take with it that can help. Hmmm, hmmm, yeah, so we're figuring my hormones are way out of whack. Case in point, a straight line from the top of my nose to my chin, just a bit wider than my nose, has like 7 zits! Augh, I'm too old for this. lol It helps knowing this may be the cause of my weirdness, I don't know why, but it does make me feel less guilty. Now to see if we let me stay on these. LOL We have one and half months worth left, so hopefully we can get to the end where we're supposed to see the good results.

So Missy, what you said to my last post, and I promise to reply to all the comments, really makes sense, and I've been thinking a lot about that. So much so that I spent the whole morning trying to find a dress for myself. Why? Because I want to see if there are things I can try that will "help" keep me in a submissive mood without the Duke always having to step in. I need to work on this on my own so that even when he's not following through, I have the reminders to still work on it myself. I have heard some women say they are more feminine and submissive in a dress, not currently owning one, thought it would be worth a try. But finding a dress was a no go. :( But I will be sitting down this week to think and ponder over things that may help me keep my submissive mindset, even if the Duke isn't fostering it for me.

BUT, when shopping, I did find something. ;) I want to introduce you all to the newest member of our family. ;) I told the Duke we had a new member, and that our bath brush had a baby. ;) I found this guy while walking down an aisle going to the check out. I wasn't looking for it, it literally just grabbed my eye. I was so shocked to see it, and then so happy, and then it was in my hand and I kept walking. Literally, I probably didn't even stop for more than two seconds! I told myself I was not going to go out and look for any more implements. Does it then count if it practically jumps off the shelf at you? ;) It was $2.50, I COULDN'T say no. Even though it's a mini bath brush, it's the same size as my plastic hair brush (which IS used for only my hair) except that the bath brush handle is almost three inches longer. Have never been able to find a wooden hair bush that doesn't have ceramic in it, so this will count as one I think. It too is made out of bamboo.

Large Bath Brush We've Had All Along Shown With New One That Is Hair Brush Sized
 

So, as far as DD goes today, it's reshaping itself in our lives. While I was losing it, and that is the nice way to put it, last night, some things came out that I didn't even know I was thinking. But you know what, I think most of it was true, if not all. We talked, for hours. It was hard at times, there were tears for both of us, but also, some realizing things we didn't understand before, things we didn't really know about the other person because we didn't even really know it about ourselves to share. We are now more aware of how much each other is trying, not in just DD, but in our marriage and life in general. We're more aware of what each other needs.
 
And the Duke is starting to see now that just because he doesn't understand why some things hurt me, doesn't mean it hurts me any less just because he tells me it shouldn't. Until last night, he'd say things like "I don't understand why this bothers you." "I don't think something like this should upset you." "It doesn't make sense that this would hurt you." And when he'd say these, I'd basically get pushed aside and dismissed. Well, my being upset last night was because of something he'd said that hurt me to my core, he didn't mean for it to, but it did. During my breakdown last night, I was so loud I was almost yelling, I told him that even though he thinks it shouldn't hurt, when it hurts, it hurts, and I can't change that. I didn't mean to, but I broke down into literal tears at that point, I was a sobbing mess. I think that is what opened his eyes to the truth.
 
He's been really sensitive to the fact last night and all day today that I was hurt, and that right or wrong, makes sense or doesn't, does take the pain away. I'm doing much better now, and have been on the look out for an hormonal inconsistencies in my moods, and have been able to catch them all today.
 
So, the Duke follows through or not, I'm going to be looking for more ways to stay submissive, even if I'm the one that has to enforce it. In that past, doing this made me feel like I was still the one in control, I'm hoping and praying to find ways to stay submissive on days the Duke may not lead, and still keep from taking the power back. I'm not sure I know the balance, but I'll be striving for it, and if you know the magical solution to this, I'd be glad to hear your secrets. ;) So would the rest of the women in blogland. :) Err, not that ANY ONE ELSE out there struggles with this balance. ;)
 
In the mean time, I just got the Duke to read everything before this paragraph before posting, because I wanted to make sure in telling the truth, I wasn't putting him in a bad light. I don't believe in husband bashing, and really try to find the balance in telling the truth, and making sure I don't bash him as well. After he read, he asked for a few ideas on how to help me with submission. I told him it could be something quick and easy. Tell me to go to bed earlier, give me ten smacks, and a few other ideas. I let him know that exercises in submission did not have to take a lot of time all the time. He then went to our tin of implements and came back and gave me 10 swats with our new bath brush. :( He told me it was to remind me to be submissive, that he was there to take care of me, and to remind me that he loved me. Let me tell you, baby bath brush bites! And boy do I love that man. :)
 
PS, got some good laughs at suggesting the church get a paddle. ;)  One suggested it would be okay if I was willing to go first.  Oh, if they only knew! ;)

Sunday, July 21, 2013

Told My Church To Get A Paddle! ;)

I got to be cheeky today about spanking! ;)  And I LOVED it.  The Duke just basically groaned and smiled. :)

At our church, once a month we have cake or cupcakes to celebrate the birthdays and anniversaries in our church that month.  A number of families have gone glutten free... so it was brought up to see if we should think of another way to celebrate.  It was put up online to add ideas.  Some ideas were tossed out, and you know I had to be smart.  I suggested we get a paddle, hang it up by the front door, and bring it out for birthday spankings once a month.  Oh yes, I did!  LOL 

I figure, if I have to be secret about this lifestyle, I might as well have fun with it when I can! :)  Now to see if the Duke ever lets me talk without explicit written permission EVER again. ;)

So, after how great last week was, this week was hard.  I was stressed, work was overwhelming.  The Duke kind of stepped back near the middle of the week, and I felt adrift.  Fast forward to last night, and the Duke told me it was time for maintenance.  He sat up against the headboard of our bed, and waited for me to climb over his lap.  And he waited.  He waited a long whle.  I sat at the foot of our bed, basically as far as I could without falling over, with one leg draped over the side to help balance me out.  I wans't budging.  Now, I did put my laptop away as asked, but that was about it.

Why?  I want to tell you that my normal submissive self made an appearance and listened to reason, but you've never known me to be a liar, and I'm not going to start now, though, it would make me look a lot better if just this one time I let you believe the deception and not the truth.  BUT, the truth is, submissive Es May had not only left the building, she left the whole friggin county!  A small part of me fought to go to him, the rest planted myself at the end of that bed, and I wouldn't be going any closer.

As many of you know, being submissive, set adrift, hurt, harden to survive, rewind, repeat, it sucks. I was confused.  I was hurt.  I felt lost.  Going over his knee was the last thing that would help me in that moment.  So I talked to him.  I told him I either needed a committment from him, or we needed to stop.  I either need us to live DD, or not, and not do half and half.  He couldn't ask me to follow a rule three days a week and then tell me if was okay to break it the other four days.  I was so confused.  And every time he put a rule aside, literally at times telling me I could break it, I no longer felt important.  I felt like I was too much work, and too much to handle.

I couldn't go over his lap.  The trust was gone.  I wanted it back, but I couldn't force it, I tried, it wasn't working.  I felt like he wasn't doing this for our marriage.  I felt he didn't care to help me.  I felt useless, and like a burden, and stupid for needing his direction so much.  I felt like he'd do DD if it was fun and convenient, and not when it wasn't.

I told him all of this, and he told me he'd follow through.  I told him he'd said that so many times, and I let him keep trying, but I just didn't know how to make my heart and head switch back this time, I really didn't.  I also told him love him, for who he is, and don't want him to have to become someone else.  I told him I was okay stepping back from DD, I have said this to him before, but that I can't do the back and forth.  It hurts too much, I get too confused.

All the sudden I was yanked over his lap.  I started saying "I don't want this, no, I don't want this!"  I was fighting, within second I was bawling, and I said it over and over for several minutes.  But he kept smacking my bottom until I could no longer talk.  He hit so hard at one point I whipped around angry, and asked him what he thought he was doing.  But then he forced me back, and I just bawled.  I was almost hiccuping I was crying so hard.

It too me a while after the spanking to be okay.  But I was.  I usually smile right after a spanking, this time I didn't.  But it was more because I was pondering.  {This morning, I almost kicked myself for singing with a smile all over my face.}

I was still pondering an hour later at bedtime.  The Duke wanted me to go to bed.  I didn't want to go.  Ten smacks.  He told me again, I still didn't want to go.  I honestly wasn't testing him... though that surprises me, usually I only defy him on the few times I've tested him.  I just wanted to finish some stuff up on the computer.  Ten more swats to my backside.  I told him I'd just be a minute then.  Apparently that wasn't good enough because he started to head to where we keep the implements.  I said "Okay! Okay!  I'll put it away."

I don't know quite how I feel today.  I AM glad he spanked me both times.  I feel such a peace about it, more peace than I have felt in days.  I have had a major migraine since this afternoon, so that has not allowed a lot of seeing how our dynamic will play out right now, but I hope it's good.  I needed chocolate, it always helps settle my migraines enough for the advil to work, and he ran to the store to get it for me.  He agreed to leave church a little bit early just so that I could go since work started later today.  So normal day stuff, I feel loved, but I feel bad.  I feel bad, because I want to feel that definition in our roles.  I want to know he's leading.  I feel so greedy after how nice he's been to me today.  But once again, I've never lied on this blog, so I'm not about to start now.  That is how selfish I'm being today, maybe I can blame it on the migraine, they do make me more needy emotionally, but I doubt it holds much clout.

Now to see how my comment about the birthday paddle goes over. ;)  I won't lie, I actually did get the Duke's permission to put it up on our church discussion page.  He almost said no, and then realized it really did sound innocently like a joke. :)  At least I didn't put up a picture of one of ours to give them design ideas. ;)

Monday, July 15, 2013

Glad To Be Stupid

Somethings are starting to make sense in my brain.  Sometimes I'm brilliant, I can pick things up fast.  Other times, I'm so stupid I wonder how I manage to function.  Like Algebra, why do we need to put in a bunch of letters in a mathematical equation and then try to make sense out of it?  The only reason I passed high school math was because we also took Trigonometry and Geometry.  I got 100's on every one of those tests, Algebra?  I could give you the answer, I could not tell you how I got it.  I failed almost everyone of those tests because I could not learn the equations.

So sometimes I come across as really smart, and other times, so stupid that people wonder how I even feed myself breakfast in the mornings.  Somethings click so fast, others just never make any sense.

So DD has been a balance for me, a lesson in humility, a REAL eye opener!  If you want to feel stupid fast, DD is certainly the way to go. ;)  We go in with all these preconceived notions, all these high expectations, and a plan that is DEFINITELY going to make our marriage better.  We have it all worked out.  We have researched this thing beyond belief, we got this down pat!  Now to just start living this life, and then everything will be smooth sailing.  PLEASE tell me I'm not the only one that was half near so stupid?  Okay, maybe I wasn't this idealistic, but I wasn't far off. :)

At first, I was trying to fit into the mold.  Here are some instances where what I read about did not fit into what I needed.

1.  Domestic Discipline is not about sex.  - I had read that, and so tried to make sure nothing about the DD things we did were about sex.  And yes, discipline in this lifestyle is not about being sexy {talking about discipline, not fun spankings here}, it is about realigning, correction, trying to better ourselves, role affirmation, you get the drift.  But I took it too far.  Cuddling after a hard spanking often leads to intimacy for us.  I mean by that point I either am half naked, or fully naked, my husband is only human, I've just gone through an emotional experience and need the connection, and the Duke is holding me, loving me, and making me feel so cherished  Fighting that desire left us confused, left me open, vulnerable, and hurt.  So now spankings usually end in intimacy.  We just shared a large bonding moment during a spanking.  I have learned it is perfectly okay for the spanking not to be about sex, but that that doesn't mean intimacy can't follow afterwards.

2. Every man wants control and will naturally lead us - Yeah, well that wasn't the case for months.  But he's getting there. :)  But at first, all he saw was that he'd have to be spanking his wife all the time.  Well that never ended up being the case, but it was still a real worry for him.  Many of you know, we walk in with preconceived notions of how DD will look, how we'll act, how our husbands will lead us.  But then their idea of leading us ends up being different than how we wanted.  But isn't that where true submission actually starts?  When it's not what we wanted, what we planned, but will we still follow regardless of this?

3. I will become an obedient, submissive, demure wife. - HA!  LOL.  Okay, have a good laugh, we all fell for that one... or if you didn't, laugh at me. :)  We may have improved, we may like who we are a lot more now.  But we're still women, we're still hormonal, we still stress out way too easily, we still take on more than we can chew, and we still think we are stronger than we are.  Please, again, tell me I'm not alone here. ;)  Thank goodness for our loving husbands who pull us back, ask us to take on less, reset us so that we can let go of our spiralling emotions, and who pull us back to center ourselves.  We will never be perfect, but then again, if we were, who would keep our husbands on their toes? ;)  Surely they would miss realigning our little, or in my case not so little, bottoms. ;)

4. DD will fix all our problems. - Now, I do believe in a sense that this is a HUGE help in all our problems, or most.  But we can't go in expecting this to work right away, expect that there will be no more fights, no more hurt feelings, no more feeling lost or out of control.  In fact, when you start DD, sometimes these all seem to escalate for a time while you both get your footing.  We hoped we'd be perfect right away, life is never that easy.

So this weekend has been more of this relearning in my brain.  The Duke is really stepping up.  With it, I lose some of my freedoms, but somehow gain a freedom in my heart.  I am learning where more of the boundaries are, and instead of hating the few restrictions put upon me, I'm actually loving the peace I feel at knowing my limits.  I have been spanked a few times this weekend, we have talked, my submissiveness has been tested over and over again, asking me to go to places I'd never gone before.  It was hard at times to let go, to be so exposed... but it was so worth it. 

I thought submission would come in this neat little package.  The Duke would ask things of me that might inconvenience me a little, but not much.  But in talking this weekend, I told him, if it's always something I'm willing to do, and happy to do, is it really submission?  I had to let go of yet another notion about DD, had to admit I'd been thinking wrong.  So the Duke has been pushing me.  Not forcing me against my will, not to do something I hate, but just to do things I normally would be uncomfortable with, or not like doing, or just embarrassed a bit with.  I cannot believe the peace that has filled me each time I obey, every time I learn to trust the Duke more.  I cannot believe how much I am craving his direction, his rule over me, and yet with every ounce I crave it, I know how safe I am in letting him know this.  I know he will never use this against me. 

The Duke has been pushing my feeling of vulnerability this week, in the bedroom, out of the bedroom.  He's helping me to feel vulnerable and exposed so that he can show me how much I can trust him.  He's getting me to open myself up to him in ways I didn't know I could.  It's been scary at times, I didn't know how much of myself I was still protecting.  He's been so gentle with me, and at times, not so gentle in needing to be firm.  But it's what I've been needing.

The Duke is loving the changes in me the past week.  I hadn't realized how many there were.  I was seeing the changes in him.  I actually felt my chest tighten when he told me he was proud of me.  Tears almost burst.  I was so thankful.  I want him to be happy with me.  He always is, but I usually forget it.  And apparently, my rule about thinking bad about myself is about to get a lot more strict... oh boy.

DD is not what I imagined it would look like, but in many ways, it's better. :)  I'm glad to be stupidly wrong this time. :)

Saturday, July 13, 2013

Punished For No Reason?

Yesterday the Duke was off.  He just wasn't his normal self.  So I shouldn't have been upset, but I was.

It was the end of the day.  I was tired, falling asleep while trying to do somethings on the computer.  It wasn't my bedtime, but really, I needed to be in bed.  The Duke said so, but then did not follow through on enforcing it when I got side tracked doing something else. 

I also told my first lie yesterday in I don't know how long.  I was feeling so guilty.  It is not like me to be dishonest, ever.  He didn't address that either.  The lie wasn't told to him, but still, I had told him about it afterwards.

Also, we are trying to get pregnant.  I remember telling one of you just last week how the Duke was not stepping up in taking responsibility for is part in taking his vitamins and living healthy.  Come to find out, he's only been taking his vitamins about twice a week.  I was so hurt.  I told him if he really wanted us to have a child, he'd be committed to at least taking his two vitamins once a day.  I have to take 2 vitamins 3 times a day, 1 vitamin 4 times a day, and 1 vitamin 1 time a day.  That's 11 vitamins I have to take at 4 times a day, and he only has to do two, once a day.  I told him if he wasn't serious about having a child, I needed to know, we can't go into this if this is something he doesn't want.

I went to bed frustrated.  I know, after the wonderful night we had the night before, I shouldn't have, but I think that played a part actually.  To have connected so well, and then no connection at all, I really felt lost.  He wanted to know what was wrong, I didn't want to talk.  I just felt so disconnected now, so hurt, so unworthy.

Well I finally did talk.  I didn't think I had talked to him disrespectfully, but I did complain.  Something I have promised myself not to do.  I feel like complaining to him like this is topping from the bottom.  I read some of my kindle preparing to go to bed in another 5-10 minutes.  All the sudden the Duke got up, turned on our bedroom light, took my kindle from me, and brought out the large paddle.  I panicked.  What had I done?

And panic I did.  I hate that paddle.  Blondie, I love you, but really???  Can I send you the large one back???? ;)  Nothing makes me pay more attention than this paddle.  Probably why the Duke loves it so much.  I finally got the Duke to stop long enough to tell me what was going on, what I was being punished for.

I was being spanked for being disrespectful to him.  I really didn't think I had been.  I didn't say that, but did say that I thought I was just sharing my opinion.  But I did produce my bottom for my paddling.  This is what we agreed to earlier in the week.  That even if the Duke was unsure, he could punish me. 

The Duke actually got angry, He has NEVER shown his anger towards me.  NEVER.  Not even a little.  I have only seen him angry once, and barely, and it was towards a friend of his, and several years into our marriage.  In fact, I used to have a line I said to friends, "Never marry a man until you see him when he is truly angry.  Then see how he handles it."  I waited and waited and waited with the Duke, and realized I could be waiting forever or had to marry him without seeing his anger!  LOL

So I was so shocked to see his anger.  I was actually a bit frightened that he'd spank in anger, so I just asked him, while turning over, to remember not to spank me in anger.  His mood changed in an instant and he relaxed.  I have been told this morning that he wasn't actually angry, but that he did need to address my behaviour.  He was being stern, not angry.  I guess I see that now, if he'd been truly angry, he probably couldn't have relaxed that quick.

So I took a punishment last night for something I don't really feel I did, I really feel I was only sharing my opinion and not being mean.  But I took the punishment anyway, and you know what?  It was great.  Don't get me wrong, it hurt so much, and I flew out of position at least three times.  I was so mad at myself each time, but the good thing was, I put myself right back each time I realized what I'd done without being asked.  And afterwards I cuddled into him hard.  I need his arms around me, and I needed his love.

Today we are great.  I am so glad we made this promise to each other this week.  Maybe I was a bit disrespectful, I'd rather him err on the side of caution than not punish me when I really do need it.  Needless to say, I wasn't allowed to have my kindle back to finish the chapter I was reading before bed. ;)

I can already see the difference in the Duke.  He is more settled today.  He is more sure of himself.  He is already showing his confidence.  He is wearing a big smile!  I'll take it! :)  This month long pact we made seems to be just what he needed.  Almost a week in, we'll see if things keep getting better. :)  I really hope so, more for him, than me.  He really needs to see he can be a leader, he can make mistakes, he doesn't always need to be right, nor fear being wrong.  I can't wait to see what the next three weeks bring.

Friday, July 12, 2013

Toys...

Hopefully I do not offend anyone in this post, I just find I need to do some processing, and blogland has always been the perfect place for me to do so.  I will not be going into detail about anything, I promise. :)

So, we've never owned toys.  It's just not something we ever did.  Now, I won't lie, I have been intrigued by them off and on, and wondered about them, but it's just not something we ever looked into.  But since we started DD, we have noticed that if the Duke touches my bottom at all, no matter where, I become a submissive glop of goo.  Knowing this, we decided to look into a butt plug to see if it would help me stay in that submissive goo for longer periods.  *GULP*  yeah, you read that right.

When we went to order it, it gave us one of those little warnings at the top of our cart.  Basically it said if we spent $20 more we got free shipping, or else shipping was $10.  We figured we'd spend the extra $10 and $20 worth of stuff.  So I let the Duke handle that.  I didn't really want to take over.  He did ask my opinion on stuff, but I let him pick.  Well, be careful when you do that!  The Duke was able to find sales on everything he wanted by looking around enough, and was able to get THREE toys that came to within $2 of the $20 we intended to spend, each one totally different than any of the others.  And all high quality, but on sale like 60% off or what have you.  Man, I need to take him shopping when I buy stuff! ;)

Well, they came in the mail yesterday.  I washed them up and put them away.  But no, I was not so lucky.  The Duke decided he wanted to try them out.  Try EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM out.  Never having done this before, I was both embarrassed, and submissive.  I reached a state in my mind I am not sure I have reached before.  I was his, to do with as he willed in a way he'd never asked of me before.  There was no saying no, there was no fighting what was going to happen.  He was taking charge, and I was his to play with.  I had no say in the matter.  I let go, completely.

Today I feel a bit weird, I actually feel a bit lost with him taking off to work.  I don't miss him per say, but feel I need his strength here with me, and it's gone.  I want to snuggle back into his strong arms and feel safe, but they're not here right now. :(

I don't know if all I'm feeling is good.  It just all feels so different.  I think it's good, but as I said to start with, I just need to process it all.  Anyone have any words of wisdom to share here?  Would greatly love them.

Wednesday, July 10, 2013

Learning To Ask "How High?"

Yeah, just like the title says.

The other day the Duke and I talked about how nervous he can still seem at times to take charge.  When he does, he feels good about himself, I feel good about our marriage, our bonds build, and I feel peace.  But other times he's so unsure.  What if he makes a mistake, what he if spanks when he shouldn't, what if what I say in the moment trying to get out of something is really how it should be?

So I'm working on not trying to escape a spanking.  It's not that I feel I shouldn't get one, but dang it, they hurt!  I'm not trying to be bad when fighting a spanking, I'm trying to calm my fear of the pain, realizing that once it's done everything will be okay, but to get to that point... there is fear of the pain.  Which makes no sense, because I know I can trust the Duke, and the few times he took me to my limit where I just fell into a submissive limp lump over his lap, I felt my best ever.

Another thing we decided to try was to go hard core for a month.  He's free to make any decision, spank me even when he's unsure, and I will forgive him, even if he's wrong.  I kind of feel it should be this way all the time, but I think for the Duke it gives him a pass to make mistakes where he doesn't feel he usually can.  See, his mom micromanaged his world until he moved out to university, and even then, had a very strong hand in his life.  He never learned to make mistakes, or to recover from them.  I'm hoping we will both learn a lot this month.

So, in view of all this, I still thought the Duke would be hesitant.  Yeah.... no!  lol

Last night I had asked him to come to me when he had a moment... I wanted to talk, and find it easier in the bedroom for certain conversations... not sure why.  It took about 10 minutes for him to wrap up what he was doing, and in that time, I had worked myself into an embarrassed mess.  He came in and asked me what I wanted to talk about, and then all the sudden, I couldn't talk.  I was too embarrassed now. 

He hemmed and hawed liked usual about trying to get me to talk, but making no real firm decision that I had to, so I settled down to go to sleep, it was bedtime anyway.  But a few seconds later he grabbed the large paddle, my stomach dropped.  He told me I could tell him, or be spanked until I could tell.  So I made three false starts, I just couldn't get the words out.  He flipped me over against my will, snapped the paddle down and then turned me over again.  I made another attempt, nothing.  I was flipped again, and the next time was given a smack so hard I jumped.  No warm up, what?  Just a flat out hard SMACK!  My bottom really stung and burned.  He flipped me over again, I tried again, nothing came out, but as he was going to flip me over again, the words finally came out.

A few minutes later he ordered me to do something.  It was for my own good, it was for me to relax, and I didn't want to.  But he insisted, saying it was what I needed.

And then a few minutes later when I wanted to grab my kindle and just finish a few more pages before falling asleep, he wouldn't let me.  He took my kindle from me, and told me I needed rest.

Well, I guess when he commits to something, he commits.

So I see a lot of JUMP in the near future with me asking in submission "How High?"

How wrong is it that I feel such peace over the loss of control?  My answer to myself is, not at all. :)

Saturday, July 06, 2013

Tears

I haven't been able to stop crying whenever I have prayed for Bas and family the past few days, nor when praying for Emily, Christina, Jim and family.  Since we lost our son in 2011, I find I am much quicker to tears.  Getting my cycle today put some of the pieces together on why I keep breaking down so hard, but still, I have worried this week that I cry too easily.

But when I think about it, I'm actually glad.  Tears for someone we love when they face hard times, or we are losing them, mean we care.  They mean we love deep and hard.  Now, not everyone can cry, and that is okay, that DOES NOT mean you loved them any less.  I didn't used to cry a lot before we lost our son.  But now I can at the drop of a hat.  For those of you out there like me, please don't ever feel ashamed of your tears.  They can come when we don't want, but they are a blessing.  A release.  I have a friend, who even after her husband died, could not cry a single tear.  It bothered her so much.  She had loved him with everything in her, and couldn't shed a tear.  And with that, she also couldn't find release and felt trapped inside herself.

We all loved Bas.  He was such a father figure here in DD Blogland to so many of us.  He challenged us, encouraged us, listened to us whine and freak out.  He made us laugh, he made us cry, and he gave us so much love that we couldn't help but pass it on.  And even though most of us don't know Lisa personally, we know her through all of the love Bas showed for her in every word he spoke about their marriage, and because of this, we too have come to love her.  Our tears are as much for the loss of Bas our friend as they are for her loss in the love of her life.

Tonight, if the tears come, even for people we have never met, may it remind us that we can still love deep, and hard, and that there is always beauty in that. We care for these people, and their lives are enriched because of it.  We are small blessings, sending words or encouragement and prayers when needed most. 

{{{HUGS}}}  Praying for the families out there that are still fighting for health tonight, and for those that are one person shy of the family they were a few days ago.  {{{HUGS}}}  We here in blogland send you our love, our thoughts, and our prayers.

Wednesday, July 03, 2013

The Duke Steps Up

As you can see, it's been over a week since I last wrote.  11:11, and that is the time.  My favorite time of day. :)  Someday I'll tell you about the little blessing God has given me in that number.  But I digress.

So, this week was going to be my week to relax.  Any of you who read here, or have emailed me, know I've been dying to finally have time to relax.  BUT, do you think my cats got the memo?  One did, the other?  Thought I needed more stuff to do!  Now, let me start by saying that my cats are great.  Yes, they do annoy me at times, but over all, they are princes.  They listen, they know the word no, and one of them is smarter than me, I swear.  I only have to tell D to do something, and he will.  Well, except clean my house... hmmm.  LOL  the other one, J, is a normal cat, but put him next to my brilliant one, D, and J just seems down right stupid.  My poor baby.

Now, before I tell you how much I wanted to kill him this week, let me tell you that even though he is the longest cat I have ever seen, he can stand on his hind legs and swipe his front paws to the back of my counters, he is a complete cuddle bunny.  He loves to sit with his butt in my lap and his front legs hanging over my right shoulder.  But he's also a scardy cat.  Terrified of anything different.  If I even move the blankets on my bed the wrong way he literally shoots a foot in the air and then runs away like an acme cartoon character where it seems like there legs are going full throttle, but they take a few seconds before the rest of them start moving.  lol

So this past week he got scared, and peed outside of his litter.  HE NEVER DOES THIS.  and wouldn't you know, it would be THE ONLY carpeted room in my place.  It reeked.  So Thursday had me trying to figure out where he peed.  Friday had me emptying the WHOLE room and renting a carpet shampooer.  Friday night had to vaccum and shampoo that carpet, plus a room for my landlord and a tall set of stairs for him.  Man was I sore after doing both for his stairs.  Saturday morning the guestroom smelt worse, so I shampooed it again, this time going over the two places I thought he might have peed three times.  Well, by Sunday, my whole place smelt like mildew.  :(  Monday had me pouring 4kgs of baking soda over every inch of the floor.  It took all I had in me at this point to not yell at J, I was so unhappy.  But yelling would only freak him out more, and I didn't want to turn his one time pee mistake into a repeat behaviour.  In the mean time, I was running fans, leaving lights on, spraying vinegar, and I was just down right frustrated.  So last night the place smelled better.  So I vacuumed again.

So what is the point in all this story?

The night before I was overwhelmed. As you all know, if my house is out of order, I get stressed.  Well having almost a week of it, with stuff filling my hallway and living room that should have been in the guest room, I broke down.  I was silent all night.  I wouldn't even kiss the Duke good night.  Let me tell you, I have NEVER done that.  It was a long day of nothing going right.  I couldn't even install the new doorknobs for the apartment next door correctly because they didn't come with the right parts, and don't even get me started on getting the package open to even get to the parts.  Anyway, I was able to use the correct parts finally from the old door knobs.  But I was super stressed by this point.  And so wouldn't talk to the Duke.  I felt so alone.  I was doing all the stuff, and he wasn't helping.  And even when he did, he was leaving me to do the deciding, and he'd just help out if I asked.  So by bedtime, too many things were going wrong, and the smell from the guestroom was giving me migraines.

I couldn't handle it anymore.  So after he ordered me to tell him what was going on, I finally did.  I told him I loved him, but that I felt like I couldn't trust him to be there when I needed his help, trust him to step in and help without me having to ask.  He told me that is right, that I know what I'm doing, so he waits for my instructions.  I might be the handy man around here, but I just needed his help.  I needed to know that if I stepped back and needed a break, he'd be able to take over.

So last night when I went to put the stuff away, imagine my surprise when the Duke came in and started putting stuff away.  Not only did he put stuff away, he never even asked me where each thing goes.  Normally he would have waited until I asked, and then asked where I wanted each thing.  And then tonight, I was going to put on the new toilet seat we have, and he asked me if I wanted him to do it.  I said I'd show him, but he said he could figure it out.  So I stepped away, gave him a tip on holding the nuts so that the plastic screw didn't just spin aimlessly, and then left. 

I so needed him to do last night and tonight.  I don't know why, I just did.  It felt great.  And I think this is good for him too.  He really can do more than he realizes.  And I think that the more he sees that, the more confident he'll feel in himself, in his abilities, and his ability to make choices.

So now my place is almost back to normal.  And today I couldn't work because of a computer program.  It was SOOO nice to relax for a while since I couldn't on my weekend. :)  Having this place a mess was driving me nuts, it's why it's one of my rules, as you can see from my last post on why we do DD.  So glad to have some normalcy back. :)

Hope you're having a great week. :)