UNDER CONSTRUCTION

We had to take down all our posts for a while. We did not realize that to put them back up would repost them in everyone's feeds. We apologize for that. We also will do our best, as life allows, to get the rest of the posts up as soon as possible. :)

Sincerely, The Duke and EsMay

Wednesday, January 30, 2013

Unsettled

It's been a lazy two days.  I'm writing right now with the futon down, my two babies {cats} sleeping at my side, and just loving the quiet.  Yesterday my body crashed.  I couldn't do a thing.  I'm supposed to do three hours of chores on my first day off, but when I really couldn't even get out of bed, my husband said I needed to rest, and I was so glad that he did.  All day yesterday it literally felt like my body was asleep!  It was so weird.  I was exhausted from the long hours at work, and the rush we had to do.

Sunday at church proved hard.  Three new babies, two of them almost a month old, and one that was six days old.  That meant there were close to ten babies at church.  Babies under 12 months stay out in the service at our church.  There are only about 40 people, so that meant 1/4 of the church was babies. I have been remembering my son the last few days, so that was making me more emotional too.  I literally ended up having a panic attack.  I can't remember the last time that happened, and I never had them before we lost our son, which was almost two years ago now.

I had to leave the service.  I'm co leader of the children's department, so when the children came out, I busied myself with cleaning up after them so that I didn't have to deal with everyone.  I didn't want to hide, but I was literally afraid of having a complete break down.

After church/before work, we went to what we could of small group.  The lady that had just had her baby six days before was there.  I asked if they were allowing people to hold the baby.  She said "Yes!  Totally!"  The baby was still in her portable car seat, and even though I said I could wait, the dad was eagerly getting her out for me.  I was in heaven.  They let me hold her for an hour and a half, and I just revelled in every single second of it.  I loved it.  I had to go to work way before I was willing to let her go.

Then at work it was the extra hours, extra busy, extra chaos, and I was just over whelmed.  For the first time all week I didn't meet my quota.  My last call of the day broke it.  If I hadn't gotten that one call I would still have been good.  Now, I've done good enough all week for it to totally cover that one day... but I felt like a failure.  All week I've been bragged about, high fived, complimented, encouraged, and then I felt like I failed.  Monday was better and I got above my quota again.

Last night was maintenance.  My husband felt he'd been too hard on Saturday, and so did a less intense session last night... I mean, it hurt... but I did not get any processing done, no role affirmation happened in my head, none of the stress had a chance to seep out from my weary body.  I didn't know how to ask for more.  I was just exhausted.  I think I need to sit down with my husband and admit it... but he also wasn't feeling well last night, and I didn't want to push it.

I don't know how to make sure a maintenance works.  Sometimes it works in a minute, sometimes we go 3-5 minutes and I'm still not where I need to be.  I'm praying to find the balance, praying on how to be more honest, praying that if need be, my husband learns to read me during a spanking.  Saturday hurt so much, but it was just what I needed.  Last night my husband did the spanking easier because he loves me and didn't want to push me too far... who am I to question that?

Tuesday, January 29, 2013

Quick Question

Just a question for tonight....

My husband thought that maybe during our last maintenance that he spanked too hard.

Tonight's though I feel may not have been enough.

How do you know if a spanking is too hard?  And is there a general rule of thumb for how many spanks there should at least be?  We usually only go to about 60, if that, but in reading some posts, it seems like it could be a couple hundred???

I guess we just really don't know what is typical, and how to know how hard is safe?  Or effective?

I know most of these are trial and error, and we will learn ourselves as we go, but if anyone has been through this wondering themselves or has any advice to pass on, I'd love it. :)

Will tell you about maintenance from tonight in the morning.  For now, I'm just too tired.

I hope you all have a wonderful night! :)

Saturday, January 26, 2013

Role Affirmation

This morning was maintenance.  It was bad, it was good, it was needed.

Last night my husband mentioned maintenance.  I really thought he'd forget!  I mean, up until now I've basically had to remind my husband about anything to do with DD.

Then he gets up this morning, and I'm trying to catch up on blogs, still have a few to go because I didn't finish before work.  He comes in and reminds me that we'll doing maintenance this morning.

REALLY!?  I've been so good, I really tried to get out of it.  I've been working really hard at being good.  I've been doing everything that I should be, except keeping up with exercise because I've been so busy.  But we agreed it wasn't fair to punish me for it when I literally did not have enough time to do it, and I lost 5lb this week, so it was good.  I did get almost all the time in, just not quite all of it.

Anyway, I was watching what I was eating, I was keeping the house clean, I was making his meals when we could be home for supper, I was taking on more responsibility for the cats, I was being very polite, I was getting to bed on time, I was making sure I didn't leave the car lights on, and made sure I wasn't speeding.  I was in a better mood.  I had even risked yesterday getting in trouble at work to get him the keys during my shifts so that he wouldn't have to wait around for them until my next break.  I didn't want to have a maintenance spanking.

But I was getting one, no matter what. :(  I went and laid down over his knee.  I felt so much relief when he only started with a light spanking.  He spanked a good 30 spanks and I told him he could spank me a bit harder if he wanted because he was spanking so softly.  I thought he might have still been afraid because of the bruises the other day.  He said not to worry, he had the wooden spoon as well.  WHAT?  Where had he been hiding that?  The only thing that had helped me stay calm so far was the fact that I thought he'd only be using his hand.

The spoon hurt, it hurt a lot.  I didn' t understand.  I had been so good, why was he being so hard on me?  I tried to beg him to ease up, that it was hurting way too much, but he said it was up to him to decide what I would get for a spanking.  By 30 spanks or so, I was bawling, and not the quiet kind I usually do, but the kind like I did a few weeks ago.

After he was done, I tried to just bawl, and retreat like last time I bawled like this.  My husband wouldn't have it.  He ordered me to let him cuddle me.  He held me and told me how proud of me he was.  How proud he was for how well I was doing at work, for how good I'd been doing, and that he loved me.  He just kept holding me and rubbing my back.

He was worried that I was still distant after a bit, but I told him I was actually processing.  It was hard to get through the spanking.  I wasn't allowed to manipulate any part of it.  Which is of course something I've been wanting, but it was so hard!

It took a a good ten to fifteen minutes for me to just accept that this was a good thing.  We were soon able to talk and have a good time before I had to rush off to work, and now I feel great... but giving up control this morning... I didn't like it... but I already see evidence now that I'm back home tonight that I needed the maintenance/role reaffirmation and that I'm already becoming a better wife in being submissive, I did things tonight for my husband that I just normally don't do all because I felt I should and that it would please him.  I just hope I can continue to keep giving up control... and that it won't be so hard to do so.

Friday, January 25, 2013

This Is Me

I read the other day on a post about how in DD land, we don't really get to know each other like we would otherwise.  We share our lives about DD, but not necessarily much outside of it.

It got me to thinking, and I'd like to introduce myself.  It's still nothing that will tell you who I am exactly, but things about me.  I'm boring, lol, so you may find this post absolutely boring.  :)

*I did have more facts up here, but wanted to remain anonymous in case someone I know finds this blog later, so only had them up for the day.  So if you saw a fact that you can't find now, that is why. :)*

- I'm an expert knitter.  You name it, I can knit it.  I love to knit.
- I'm a medium level crocheter.  I can crochet anything with a diagram, cannot do so with a pattern.  LOL  Can't seem to learn to read the darn things.
- I do scrapbooks for friends and for my church.  I love them, they can be so pretty.
- I have a lot of friends, but only a few close ones, one who I can tell about everything... except DD.
- I am very involved in my church.  I love the work. :)
- I like to make pinatas, the harder the shape, the more fun I have trying to put it together.
- I like to decorate cakes.
- I like to play video games when I get a chance.  Sims, Sims 2, War Craft 2, Age of Empires, Pop Cap games, Bowep games, etc, and when I was single, was addicted to Ultima Online.  I also have every Nintendo gaming system except the very newest one, and even though I don't get to play much, love to play them when I can. 
- I keep secrets to the grave, except from my husband.
- I love Christian rock.  My favourite is Casting Crowns.  But also love music by MercyMe, Tenth Avenue North, Toby Mac, Steven Curtis Chapman, Jeremy Camp, Newsboys, etc.
- I've never smoked, never done drugs, and probably only have a drink 2-4 times a year.
- Love movies.  Romance, Action, Thriller, but not horror or raunchy.
- I love to throw parties, and love that my friends love to come to them.
- I have a serious weakness for cheesecake.  I honestly RARELY allow it in the house because I just can't stop eating it once I start!
- I sometimes worry about being accepted, but am unwilling to pretend to be someone else... so it's hard to always find the balance.  I also struggle with feeling useful or needed.
- I'm short, and my husband doesn't like me standing on chairs to reach stuff, but he also loves me to need to ask for his help reaching stuff, so he sometimes puts things on the top shelf so I have to ask him to get it for me!  STINKER!  lol
- I know a lot of random facts, and yet know very little about the world outside of North America.
- I have a good sense of humour, but prefer the jokes/funny things to be clean and not too raunchy.
- I LOVE LOVE LOVE being in nature.  Put me in the woods (with no bears or cougars!  And even no Moose!) and near a river or stream and I could easily dream the day away.  It's also when I feel closest to God, and closest to who I really am.

So that's me, there is more, I'm sure, but that is what I could think of off the top of the hat.  Boring, but it's who I am. :)  I'd love to learn about you too if you ever want to share, even if it's just a thing or two.  We have a busy week this weekend at work, and I have to work extra hours, so if I'm not on, I hope you have a great weekend!  I'll catch up with all of your posts on Tuesday at the latest. :)  I can't wait to see what you've all been up to. :)

Thursday, January 24, 2013

Changes In Me

I had a moment of panic this morning.  I get on and it says my account has been compromised, and that my blog was deleted!  I had to go through a verification process to get my account back. :(  And thankfully when I got verified, my blog showed back up!  I was thinking the other day I should back up my posts.  Now tonight that is exactly what I'll have to do!

Last night I got my husband to check on my bottom because I thought that it felt good, but something me kept feeling like I should have him check it.  We don't really have any mirrors that are low, and the one that is, it's in a room with bad lighting, so I just never bothered to check for myself.

Imagine my surprise when he says that my bottom is all bruised!  I actually got him to take a picture so that I could see, it was that, or get a flash light for the one mirror I could have used.  LOL  It has a number of bruises, and the funny thing is, they don't hurt at all.  The even weirder thing is that I don't bruise.  I've only bruised a few times in my life, and they involved bad accidents or broken bones. 

So we decided last night that we will not be using the loopy anymore unless he uses it softer, or for very serious infractions.  We also talked about doing a butt rub/massage like LDD talks about after the warm up.  We don't really do that because I don't bruise, and weren't worried about brusing.  Now we'll definitely be making sure we do that! :)

So lately I've seen some good changes in me.  I've listed some that I've seen in my husband a few weeks ago, but feel I should admit to the changes in me.

1.  The other day I was very frustrated with my husband.  Instead of attacking him, I calmly went off to be by myself to process.  Normally I would have cut him down... sadly. :(  But this time I made sure to be able to calm down before talking to him.

2.  Last night my husband decided to get take out, and got me the wrong thing.  Normally this would have really aggravated me, and even made me yell at him for asking what I wanted in the first place and then not getting it.  Last night I didn't do that.  And it was evident how much I had done it in the past because my husband was all worked up and apologizing.  I told him it was no biggy, and actually told him that he was the HOH, so if I did have a problem with it, and if I did yell at him, that disrespect is one of the four D's that I am not allowed to do.

3.  I am having a lot more control over eating than I thought I could.  I don't even feel controlled, or missing my treats.  Today I go back to work, so I might miss them then, but so far, no.

4.  It felt great to clean the other day because it was expected of me.  It was great to have my husband come home and tell me how proud of me he was.  Normally I wouldn't have worked so hard.  Normally I would have forced myself through the process.  But not this time.

5.  I find myself asking for permission more.  And I'm no longer just accepting invitations out to places anymore.  If someone wants to come over, or wants us to go out, I tell them I have to check with my husband first.  (Oh yeah, Sweetie, I've forgotten to ask you for two days now about my dad visiting)  LOL  He reads this, so that'll make me remember to ask.  lol

So life is more relaxing, my husband is happier and feels that he doesn't have to be worried all the time about me anymore.  He's very happy with how things are going, and we continue to talk about what we're learning, and learning that we make mistakes, and that is okay.  I told him I'm not even worried about the bruises because I honestly feel fine.  I'm not sore today, and I know some people are for days afterwards.  He believed me after we talked for a couple of minutes.  And I'm glad.

I can't wait to see the ways I grow more and more into the wife he needs. :)  I'm so glad for this change.

Tuesday, January 22, 2013

Maintenance, OWIE!

I need to start writing earlier.  My husband says I can stay up tonight so that I can blog.

Today was good, mostly.  My husband called at 11 to see if I was doing good on my chores.  I thought I was... I has gutted and dusted and moved furniture out to sweep, but that meant I was only half done the living room, it's a big room.  He was disappointed.  Even more so when he called at 12:30 after I did a lot of sorting to find out I was only finishing the livingroom and still had the bedroom and bathroom to do!  I managed to to the bedroom in the next half an hour, but it took another hour afterwards to give the bathroom a good scrub down.  I scrubbed every inch of the porceline and shower walls.  But I got it done... it just took longer than expected.

My husband was glad after and realized that we had thought differently on the work that was to be done today.  I thought he wanted the rooms cleaned, dusted, swept, and really cleaned.  He meant that he wanted a general tidy.  So even when we're talking, we still don't always realize all that we need to say.  LOL

I also didn't have any treats today.  There was a point when I wanted to, but I remembered I wanted to wait until night so that I still had the chance to have an evening snack if I wanted.  Where as if I'd had my treat in the afternoon, I would be stuck without being allowed to for the evening.  But then I ate enough for supper that I didn't want a snack.  So that was good.

Last night we decided that we needed to look into maintenance spankings during our long talk.  So we decided for now to do Saturday mornings and Tuesday evenings.

We did maintenance tonight, he used the heavy duty wooden spoon for a while.  But I found I didn't connect, I didn't feel a reaffirmation of roles, so he used the loopy for 30 swats, and they hurt, a lot!  I couldn't stay in place.  I'd been doing so good at staying in place, but I literally jumped up at one point it hurt so much.  I had raised skin lines afterwards, they only lasted a short while, but honestly, I think I needed it.  *I should note that my skin raises/swells VERY easily, but I never bruise, so I guess you can't have it all.* :)

I felt bad for my husband though.  He seemed quite worried that he hurt me.  I told him that that was what needed to happen at times for me to feel submissive to him.  After a bit he relaxed, and I think he realizes he did everything right.  He even lectured me for a bit, which really helped. :)  I really don't want him to feel guilty for anything right now, even if we make mistakes, because I don't want it to make him want to step back from DD.  Thankfully he days he sees too much improvement in my moods and behaviours to even think about going back.

Now I actually have a sore bottom, an hour after the spanking.  This will be a good reminder tomorrow to eat better since I know I'll be wanting something sweet after not having anything today. :)  I definitely do not want a sore bottom on top of this sore bottom! :)

I play Sims 2 here or there, and thought... wouldn't it be great if my sims could spank?  And you know what?  On backalleysims there is a spanking rack!!!  You can spank the spankee in their pjs, underwear, full clothes, or "barbie like" naked.  I also got the rack of implements for fun.  I don't get to play often now, but thought, hey, they should have maintenance too. ;)  You can train them to be neater, nicer or what have you. :)  He's using a gray paddle. Yeah, I'm a geek. *removed pic because my blog went so weird right afterwards, and wondering if it was the pic*

Hope you all out there in blogland have a great night's sleep.

Oh, and last note - it cost $70, but we got the bell back in our car that goes off when I leave the lights on!  YEAH!  It won't be fool proof I'm sure, but the extra help will be so great.  It also controls a few other warnings in the car, so that will be good. :)  Hopefully having the warning sound back will save me from some future spankings! And fewer dead batteries!  :)

Monday, January 21, 2013

New Foundation

It's so late, and I'm falling asleep, but I feel I need to share about tonight.  I got off work early, and when we came home, I was a bit despondent.  My husband asked why, but I couldn't even really share.  I'm sure it looked like sulking, and maybe deep down that is what it was, but I really couldn't think of what to say.

My husband and I may need to move, and I told him about an apartment I'd been told about, literally across the street from where we work!  So convenient, and it'll allow us to keep our cats.  No more half hour drive just to get to work, or get back home.  But he panicked, and I tried to be patient, but had a hard time.  Also, I feel like we're just playing at DD up until now.  I tell him when I've been bad, and then have to remind him to punish me.

But I finally was able to talk about it a bit later tonight.  I got him to read MustBeCrazy's post for today.  We talked about it, and he realizes that I need consistency.  That when I don't have that, I feel unloved, and not worth his time and effort.

So we sat down and talked about some rules I should have.  We started out small, but things I really struggle with.  Callie talked the other day on her blog about being electronic free from 10am to 1pm every day to do housework.  We had been trying to figure out a way for me to work well at house work, and decided we liked how they put it.  So tomorrow and every week on the first day of my weekend, I am to have no electronics for those three hours and am to busy myself with housework.

I also struggle with my weight.  I wrestle with a disease that made me fat, and makes it over two times harder to lose weight than someone without the disease.  I've managed to not put on weight this year, which is a huge triumph, but I want to LOSE weight.  I want to lose 100lbs in fact.  So we started two new rules.  At least 2 hours of hard work outs a week, and only one small treat a day, and in a month, it will be only a treat a week.  If I eat more than one treat in a day, I have to go without supper and with a spanking.  The supper part was my idea, the idea of going the night that hungry really bothers me, especially since I wrestle with low sugars.  My husband agreed so long as I don't get in danger of passing out.

Then he paddled my bottom good for having two peanut butter muffins today.  He started out with a warm up, and then spanked me a good 40 - 50 times with the bath brush.  It hurt, but not afterwards.  So he did another warm up and another 40 or so with the bath brush.  Still, no after burn... really, what are my buns made of?!?!?!  So we wrestled around for a bit, and then he tried to spank me hard with his hand 20 times, now that actually stung since the skin was already spanked before, and even now it's still sensitive, but no burning.

Then we wrestled a little longer, and he grabbed my hands tight, put them around his neck, and I couldn't get free.

Husband: "See, you love me so much you can't keep your hands off of me."
Me: "Yeah, you wish!"
Husband: "You love me so much you have to have your arms around me all the time!"

Smart.... butt!  lol  I love that man.  I needed that spanking tonight, I need to look at food differently.  I need to eat less bad stuff.  I need to learn to make better choices.  I need to begin exercising again more regularly.  I broke a toe this fall, and that got me off my normal exercise regime, and I desperately have to get back.  I hope to be back to at least 40 minutes a night 5 nights a week soon.

So that is tonight.  A lot of promises made on both sides, well not so many as in so important I guess.  I pray we can stick with them!  He really does not want to give up on DD, but I told him it needs to be a way of life and not just when it's fun so that I get the balance.  After an hour of talking tonight, I think he really sees that's true.

Sunday, January 20, 2013

All Dressed Up

I am so tired, but I'm trying to force myself to stay up so that I'll sleep in a bit longer tomorrow.  I work until 10pm for the rest of the week on the day's I'm on, and for the last few days, I've been in bed by that point.

Last night I couldn't get home because the roads were so bad.  So a friend that lives just up the road from where I work said I could crash at her place.  I was talking to my husband at 9:00pm on the phone, and I was wiped.  He said I should go to bed within the next hour.  I wanted some time on the computer, but also wanted time to visit with my friend.  So I asked him if I was at least in bed, could I work on my laptop for half an hour.  I felt like a kid asking if they were reading, could they stay up a bit longer!  LOL  He said that I could.  I put a little video on to watch in bed on my laptop, but realized later that it would end three minutes after my husband asked me to be laying down and ready to sleeo.  So I called him and he said that would be okay.  I actually ended up being 6 minutes late because I also had forgotten to take my meds.  When I told him about it this morning, he said that because it was for my meds, he wasn't upset. :) :)  YEAH, and WHEW.

Then today, when I got to church, and he got to church (our friend drove him in since I still had the car) he looked at me and said he liked how I was dressed.  But I had my coat on the entire time, and wondered how he could really tell.  I was all dressed up because I had to go to work after church, and it felt kind of nice because I don't really dress up.  Well when we got back to my friends to grab lunch just before I had to go to work, I took my coat off, and his face lit up in an appreciative smile.  I laughed and smiled back, then asked if he really did like me dressed up, and he answered with an enthusiastic yes.  This shocked me, because there has been times in our marriage where I have gotten all gussied up and asked him what he thought, and he'd look at me blankly and ask me what I meant.  When I'd tell him that I was all dressed up, and did I look okay, he'd shrug, tell me yeah, and that I looked the same as always.  So now it's really weird to me that he noticed today that I started dressing up for work, and I can only attribute it to our change in relationship.  Now, if he's noticing my clothes... what else is he noticing????  This might actually freak me out a bit!  Hopefully all in a good way though.... eek!

Friday, January 18, 2013

Happy Hubby

Tonight I sit on a red bottom, with a very happy husband sitting just three feet away from me, and let me tell you, it was VERY worth it.

He came home all worried.  Worried about me being sick. Worried about my new job.  About money, one or our cats sleeping so much, about his job, about our car, and the list literally goes on and on.  I told him that a lot of that we can't control, so why don't we think of something he can control.

Husband: *Sneaky smile* Well, I can control you.

Me: *laugh* yes, yes you can.  Would giving me a spanking help you feel more in control?

Husband:  No, I don't need to give you a spanking right now.  You've been really good.

So then I went on to explain that there were many reasons for spanking, and one was reaffirming his role as HOH if he felt the need, and another was to help him feel more control.  He said that was good to know, but just kept up with his worry.  So I started playing around with him.  Then I pretended to ping his nose, and then actually pinged it. 

Me: What do you have to say to me doing that? (now for the rest of this convo, remember we have two cats)
Husband: I won't eat out of the garbage anymore.
Me: And?
Husband: I won't jump on D anymore. (one cat of ours is always jumping on the other)
Me: And?
Husband: I won't cry for more food

And on and on he went, and I playfully pinged his nose for each one.  Then I got sassy, and gave him two swats on the behind!  I was in such a playful mood!  Haven't been that way in forever.

Husband: Hey, you're not allowed to spank me.
Me: Well you sure aren't stopping me.
Husband: *smile on his face* Don't spank me.
Me: *laughing* You don't sound serious
Husband: *trying not to smile* I am, don't spank me.
Me: *laughing even harder* You still don't sound serious
Husband: *James Earl Jones type voice* I am very serious
Me: *FLAT OUT LAUGHTER*

(Forgot this part, added it after) He then gave me like 10 swats, hard, but not too hard, and I still laughed the whole way through. 

So I jokingly threated to use the new loopy on him, just once... oh, he didn't like that.  LOL  So we had a tickle fight as I kept trying to get away to get the loopy.  I finally got away and grabbed it from the next room.  As I was coming back into the room with it, I all the sudden was very nervous.  I decided I'd better not show him, and so stuffed it down the back of my pants.

Well we cuddled for a moment, and then I was afraid he'd find it, so I admitted to getting it, but told him I wasn't going to use it.  Took it out and threw it across the room.  He then got up to get it.  I raced out of the room and to the bathroom and locked the door!  He asked why he couldn't open the door, I never lock it.  LOL  I could hear him knocking, WITH THE LOOPY!!!

I opened the door and whizzed past him, really trying not to laugh, and not succeeding at all.  Well I ended up with 20 warm up spanks, and 20 loopy spanks.  I told him I had obeyed and not spanked him, and he told me that I also told him he could spank me just because if he felt he needed to.  The relaxed look on my husband's face?  Made it worth it all.  :)  The spanking did hurt, but I had so much fun leading up to it, and the cuddle time afterwards. :)  He even gave me my first corner time yet, only for a few minutes, but just to help me feel submissive, and him feel in control.

He is so relaxed now, and in such a good mood.  I told him next time he's anxious, if giving me a spanking, as long as he's not angry, will help, to go for it.  I can't believe how much I love this man. :)  After the spanking he did say I could spank him once if I felt I really wanted to, and gave me the loopy.  I told him no, it would make me feel like I was taking back control.  He's so cute. :)

Thursday, January 17, 2013

Don't Judge A Book By It's Cover

A few days ago I saw a post where Hez was asking how to know how hard one should spank, and with what implement because she was finding she didn't have any soreness afterwards.  (btw, if you haven't read her blog, it's great!) I have to admit that except for one spanking, the same has been for me... no soreness or burn or anything afterwards.  While looking at her post, I saw she had some homemade loopys.  I thought they wouldn't do much, but since I too am looking for something that will actually sting so that I remember it, I decided to make one for myself.  I have a skipping rope that I never use.  I always use two other ones I have because this other one is made of a plastic with a twisted design in the plastic.  The problem is that over time it has caused the whole skipping rope to twist, and no matter what I do, I can't straighten it out.  So the other night when I saw this homemade loopy, I made one with this skipping rope.

But then tonight I was thinking over a comment on my post called "So Nice".  I really liked what the commenter had to say about only needing a few implements, and to find one that stung a bit.  I really didn't see how some looped plastic would hurt.  So I took it out to take it apart, wanting to find something else that worked better.  Well... in walk husband eyeing the loopy I just sat down with.

Husband: "Oh, I haven't been able to spank you yet for speeding on Tuesday."
Me: "I was actually going to take it apart *holding up scissors* and make it into a skipping rope again."
Husband: "No, I want to try it out first."

I didn't expect too much... lol, looks can be SO deceiving.  He brought me into the bedroom and got me to lean over the bed, he then gave me a warm up spanking, starting with fully clothed down to no pants or undies, and then brought out the homemade loopy.  He gave a few tries until he saw that I was feeling the sting, and then gave five swats.  I admitted I probably needed at least another five more, and he gave them to me with just a tad more intensity.  We cuddled afterwards, and after a bit I admitted that maybe next time he'd still have to go a while longer.  I finally felt a burn for about five minutes afterwards, but really felt like I hadn't gotten anything resolved in my head.  It still felt like a warm up was happening.  I really don't want a harder/longer spanking... but I feel I need to be honest with him that I may need a longer spanking so that we can get this thing right.

Well, the loopy will be staying.  My husband says he likes it, and it is the first time I felt a sting more than a couple minutes after a spanking except for one other time.  I think if he spanks longer with it next time, I'll have a good reminder sting for a while.  Tonight was such a good talking time, we talked in ways I'm not sure we have in a long time.  We just lay on the bed cuddling while talking and talking.  It was so great!  My husband was smiling with real abandon... I've missed that.

It's pretty because the inside of the rope has a rainbow colored ribbon. I was going to seperate the rope better at the base where it meets the handle, but no matter what I did, it still twisted, so I didn't bother. Twisting or not, it has the perfect sting.

And the speeding?  I haven't done it in two days!  I'm aiming for 10km/6m under the speed limit so that I have room to make a mistake in.  So if I do go faster by mistake, I'll have more room to catch myself. :)  He laughed and asked me what he was going to spank me for if I get the speeding under control!  I laughed and told him that once I was feeling better he could start adding chores and exercise back to my list. :)

Btw, thanks for the concerns over my health.  When I had to miss work today we decided it was time to see a doctor.  I have quite a bad sinus infection and was put on a couple of medications.  You know it's bad when you tell the doctor you probably aren't that sick, but felt you should check anyway, and they laugh at you because you're past normal sick and into dangerous kind of sick.  I was put on the hard core antibiotics, and they themselves can make me sick!  Yeah... :(   My husband wants me to lay down tomorrow, so I think that will help me feel less guilty about unfinished housework, especially since I slept most of today away. 

So once I'm better, I'm sure I'll be messing up on other things, and he can still get spankings in.  My poor behind! lol  I also have talked to him about maintenance/mood adjuster/reaffirming roles spankings, and told him I think they'll be good for not just me, but for him.  I don't even want to guess what the smile meant that he gave me when I said that!

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

FREE!

I am so tired.  But it is a good tired. 

It's a tired made up of many things, and I was actually so tired last night, that I couldn't even write about what happened last night.  I was in bed by 9:30!  Now, this may not seem too early for most people, but it is not uncommon for me to be up until 11:30 or midnight.

Last night was my spanking for the speeding.  I got a 20 spank warm up with my husband's hand, and then 20 with the new spoon.  I really expected it to hurt more.  I do have to admit that to my husband, but I feel we need to talk talk, and I'm so exhausted.  Tomorrow I get to sleep in a little bit, so hopefully tomorrow night I'll be able to be coherent enough for conversation! :)

But today was bad, twice I caught myself speeding without meaning to.  So I sat myself down to try to figure this out.  I never sped before, and now that I have the rule, I find I'm doing it all the time, and not even meaning to.  It took a bit of time, but I finally realized why... I think.

For the first time in my life, I feel FREE!!!  I have rules now, I have punishments, but I also don't have instability around me, I don't have the weight of the world on my shoulders, I don't have guilt or the frustration from no limits.  The times I've been speeding are because I've felt so free I haven't kept a close eye on the speedometer.  That is going to change, I hope I can change it quick... but the reason I feel it's happening?  I LOVE!!!  Today, I had the windows down just a crack, even though it was cold, and the wind was blowing over my skin and through my hair, and the cool air eased the feeling of pain and stuffiness from the head cold.  I just loved it, and was following the car in front of me at his pace, not realizing he was gaining speed.  It actually is worth the punishment this time.  I feel freest in my car, and now adding that with the freedom I feel from DD, I need to just calm down the free-ness! ;)

I admitted my mistake to my husband, and apologized, but also admitted I hadn't meant to speed.  He asked if I was trying to get out of a punishment.  I admitted I was not, and fully expected that he would feel I should have one, but also wanted him to realize the difference between my openly disobeying him, and accidentally.  I told him I am totally okay if that does not change the severity of the punishment, but that I need him to know I wasn't looking for a punishment, I wasn't trying to push his limits.  Now to work on getting over this mistake once and for all! :)  I can do this!  For me, FOR HIM. :)

Sunday, January 13, 2013

Done For My Husband

Today was just a quiet day.  I haven't felt this sick in a long time.  I have to do a test tomorrow over the phone at work... and not sure I'll be able to talk clear enough to pass it.  Really praying I can, a shower this evening has helped clear me up, so running a cool mist vaporizor in the bedroom hoping it will help me tonight, but it didn't seem to much last night... :(

So I spent the morning in bed... er... on the futon folded out into a bed because I was sick of looking at my super small room.  My husband went to church without me for the first time since I can remember.  But I was just too sick to go.

I wanted to do something for my husband today though, being so sick, I have not done anything in this house this week except one load of dishes.  So I took down the two loads of laundry he hung up for me yesterday.  I did another load and hung it all up except three pieces of clothes on the part of the line I couldn't reach without a chair... I figured with how weak I was, and with how much me standing on chairs makes my husband nervous, that I better not try it.  I cleaned up a bit in the bedroom and made our bed, and then cleaned the bathroom sink... I started on the toilet when my energy ran out.  But it felt good, it wasn't much really, but it felt so good to do it hoping to please him.  Later I put the futon back up, it's been down since Friday night, and made it up, it has pillows and a throw on it. 

And now I'm just tired.  I didn't even really do supper.  I got him to pick up a roasted chicken and I heated up some mashed potatoes I had in the freezer.  I make up a huge batch and then freeze meal size portions of it for days we're too busy to boil them.  So supper was nice and easy.

The thank you from my husband?  Made it worth all the exhaustion I feel right now. :)  And my sinuses actually feel a bit better from the exhertion.  It's different doing things more to please my husband than for the fact that they should be done... but most days I'm really liking it. :)

Saturday, January 12, 2013

So Nice

I was going to spend the day in bed.  I really was, except for maybe an hour of cleaning, broken up into 10 minute segments.  But at 11:38 I got a call from a friend saying her drive, to a location over an hour away to see  her fiance, went bust, and she needed to see him today because he needed something from her by Tuesday, and she had no other chance to get it to him, and so needed me to take her.  So 3 hours later the errand was done, but on my way home I decided to get the batteries we've been needing for our cordless phones.  I decided to take five minutes to look around as the store was having a closing out sale, even though I was dead on my feet.  I am so glad I did!

So up until now we have had a couple of things for spanking. 

A small wooden spoon - a foot long, if that.  It's quite thin, and has seen better days.  I've been worrying it will break if we really use it for spanking, so today I took it out of our stash.

A bamboo cane - we only had that because I already had bamboo cane for gardening, it was several feet in length, but I had one piece cut down to about 18 inches.  Because this can be a harsh instrument, we researched it, and have only used it once to see at what stength my husband should use should he ever decide to use it.  It will only be used for VERY serious infractions.

A bath brush - I got it just before Christmas and my husband has been very pleased with it.  It too is made out of bamboo, but because I could find none made with any other type of wood. :(  I have to admit, I am not a fan... I could gladly hide this item, or burn it, if fI wasn't afraid he'd pick up something worse.

Well I found a really good, thick, wooden spoon today (picture below along with the other elements I spoke of)... and decided to get it.  I knew they made wooden spoons that thick, but I thought I'd have to go to a specialty shop online if I ever wanted to get one.  It was also my hope to give my husband another alternative than the dreaded bath brush... but we found out today this can sting just as much... great! (insert unimpressed face here)

Also showing side view of new spoon above, and back of the bath brush I got a month ago.

My husband decided to give me a few tries with it, which lead to a few more tries, and then a few tried with a wooden cutting board we have that has a handle to give him an idea of if he'd like to pick up a paddle, and then a few more with his hand.  I'd say 20-30 in all, but I couldn't believe how much it helped me!

I could feel the angst literally flowing out of my body.  I could feel my ability to be submissive finally coming back.  I could feel my husband taking back his right to be in charge again.  It was a great talking and cuddling time after.  He said I still get my spanking on Monday for speeding the other day once his stitches are out, but that it was good to have this spanking.  He also said he's going to go to a sex toy shop here in town and see if he can get a paddle.  I have looked at every other store I can think of, and can't find one.  We've never gone inside a shop like that, and I don't feel that I myself can go, so he is going to go himself.

The thought doesn't scare me as much as I feel it should to own a paddle! :)  That he even wants to do this really touches my heart.  That he's seeing how much I need this change means so much to me.  That he decided to try out the new spoon today instead of waiting until Monday, was such a blessing!  I am sitting here right now, several hours later, with a light heart, and feeling free.

Monday after my spanking for the speeding I may not be feeling the same... but I hope I do.  I probably will need a spanking anyway to get over the stress, I have my qualification on Monday with my new job... hopefully I won't be too stressed out by the time I get home, but even if I am, knowing a spanking is on the way should keep me pretty much in check!

I hope you all have a great weekend.  I will be staying home from church tomorrow, as my husband wishes.  It's a good idea, it's a highly contagious flu, and I can trace it through three people before it got to me, so I really don't want to pass it on to the families that just had babies in the past couple of weeks.  I think of day of full rest will be really good.  I even slept in today, which felt great after a week of no sleep and being up an hour through out the night last night!  I slept 15 minutes past when I'm supposed to get up.  I'm going to guess my husband thought I needed the rest and didn't force me to wake up when I over slept.  He really is good to me.  Oh, and something that shocked me?  Last night I went to bed almost two hours early, but then remembered there was something in the house I meant to clean before bed.  My husband blocked the doorway to our bedroom, said I was already tipsy from exhaustion, and that I was to get back in bed.  After three attempts to get by him saying it needed to be done, I went to bed, and it was so sweet when he pulled the covers up for me and tucked me in.  I can't remember the last time someone pulled the covers up for me!  It felt great.

Friday, January 11, 2013

Communicate, Communicate, Communicate

So this is where we were at yesterday without my knowing it:

Wife: I'm so frazzled, and I'm about to completely break down, and I just need my husband to step up, show me I don't need to be in control, and allow me a much needed release.

Husband: My poor wife is back to work at a job she doesn't think she'll like.  She's sick.  She's tired because I've been snoring.  I need to take it easy on her this week because she doesn't need anything else on her plate.

Yep, we made that huge mistake.  We didn't communicate enough with each other.  I sometimes feel he should just know... but that gets me no where.  I felt this morning that he didn't love me, and that I was still wearing the pants in our family.  So my husband decided today when I was all out of sorts to read the last few days in my blog, he tends to read it 2-3 times a week.  He then went on to other DD sites.  He said he thought that I'd need my space this week, but he says he learned after reading my blog and some other blogs that a woman often needs DD more when she's over whelmed, not less.

It was a great talk, and really, I should have realized sooner that we needed it.  Usually I am a great communicator, but I think the fact that I am overwhelmed actually kept me from doing the things I needed most, and would normally do.  I don't know what tonight will look like, or if anything will even happen, but it's great that he's understanding more now.

Today also helped at work.  I actually did not realize how much I needed a release until I had one.  My trainer told me today that I was doing the best in the class, and that when certification came on Monday, I'd be getting 100% no problem.  Now, I don't know that I'll get 100%, but after my worries yesterday, I couldn't believe it.  This was said at the end of the day.  I went to my friend's house right after work, and while I was waiting for her to get off the phone, I started crying.  Not a lot, just for a minute, but I just was needing that release, and to hear him say I was doing okay when I was so worried after yesterday... it meant a lot.

Now to rest for two days, and only clean when I feel up to it because tonight I have a really sore throat on top of everything else, and it looks like I'm running a fever.  The house work might have to wait... but I think I can handle it as long as I get better.  Have not been this sick in a long time.

Thursday, January 10, 2013

Frazzled

I do not feel that I am in a good headspace today.  :(

I really feel like I need a spanking.  Not as in I want one, not as in I crave one, but that I need one.  I feel so unsettled today.  I feel angst, and just general unease.  But I also feel rebellion rising up in me.  I was challenged a bit at work today, and I did not like it. 

We were put into pairs for our training, and then our pairs were swapped.  I was put with a guy that is a bit boisterous, and likes to have fun.  We did all the tasks assigned to us, and then we talked for a bit while we waited for everyone to catch up.  My trainer then took a minute with me when my partner left for a minute to let me know that the guy had been partnered with me because they thought I'd keep him focused on the training, and then the trainer walked away before my partner returned to his seat.  What did that mean?  I had gotten us to do all the tasks that were asked of us.  So then I felt like a failure.  So when he got back, I just said that the trainer apparently wanted us to do more of the same work, though I still wasn't sure of that... and even though I didn't feel like I was lying, I was guessing at what needed to be done.

I felt frustrated for the rest of the day.  I work hard, I pay attention, I ask questions if I don't understand, and am usually the best, or close to the best in any training class I've ever been in.  I strive to be the best, I strive to succeed, and I work hard to do my ultimate best.  I felt like I was being accused today of not doing that. 

I guess I'm also feeling some agnst too because my husband has not really being doing DD this week.  Yesterday I made a mistake and turned off the car without realizing I had turned on the lights.  Thankfully I was parked in front of another car and noticed my lights reflecting in their headlights, so I was able to turn mine off.  But then today I again forgot to check the lights, and thankfully I saw my lights reflecting back to me in the mountain of snow piled up at the end of the parking space.  I really believe both of these times it was God saving my butt.  I have been working so hard at not doing this, and then to make a mistake twice in two days, I'm so upset with myself.  We have realized why I might be doing it now more than ever.  The beeping sound the car is supposed to make when you leave your lights on isn't coming on when I get out of the car.  So we are going to call the mechanic in the next week and see if there is something he can do to fix it.  In the mean time, my husband had me type out 100 times that "I will not leave the lights on when turning off the car."  We decided typing would be best to save on trees.  I think that I need to have more lines if we go with the typing.  I can type about 84-90 words a minute.  I do not really feel that it took enough time to make me deal with this better.

I also have another confession to make.  I caught myself speeding.... three times yesterday. :(  I had to do an hour of driving, and I wanted to get it done before a storm started, and it was going to get dark at the same time the storm hit, and I didn't think I had the time to get back before hand.  I didn't mean to speed, but in my frazzled state of mind caught myself speeding three seperate times over the hour.  My husband says that once his stitches are out on Monday, I will be spanked for it.

So that too has me a bit set off.  So I sit and wait...

I also have not been able to keep up with house work this week because there is just so much going on.  I cannot wait until Saturday to be able to catch up on what I haven't gotten done during the week.  Maybe that too will help.

Wednesday, January 09, 2013

Blog Design

I don't really have much to share today.  Just finally got my page the way I want... I think.  LOL  I did all the graphics myself, and being part perfectionist, took quite a while.  I did one design and then another, not quite liking the first one.  I did a whole revamp, and think... I can live with this layout and design. :)

I like the colors too.  I once saw a gift bag with stripes on it in these colors.  Even though it was many years ago, I still have loved seeing these colors together since.  Pink, Teal, and Chocolate. 

I also never was a big butterfly person, I've always preferred giraffes, and who knows, I might trade them in sometime and swap out the butterflies, but I did a scrapbook for a friend this fall in butterflies, and have thought they were cute ever since.

Anyway, like I said, not really anything to share, but just what I've been up to.  So if you happened to find this blog a few weeks ago, and kept seeing it changing, I wasn't going crazy, honest. :)  Just working on it when I could get the time in to do so.

Tuesday, January 08, 2013

Some Changes In Me

I am so exhausted, and breaking down at the drop of the hat all day today.  I can't wait to get some sleep in a few minutes.

I've noticed over the past two days some amazing things, and the only thing I can think of that helped is DD.

1. I haven't tried to speed once.  I did speed once by mistake, but since then have even made extra sure not to do that.
2. I'm checking, almost obsessively since last week, that I haven't turned the car lights on in the day.  I even dreamt about it last night, lol.
3. I was very frustrated trying to find help online tonight to get my laptop fixed, the touch pad buttons, one broke, and one is breaking.  Normally I would have gotten angry after looking for so long and finding no way to find help, but I realized emotionally I had two choices, and sadly in that moment, I do think there was only two choices.  Cry, or get angry. So the tears started.  I looked at my husband and said "I'm sorry, but I'm so overwhelmed right now, that it's cry, or get angry, and I really don't want to get angry."  The tears just flowed, and flowed, and flowed, but it was good, I really think I needed them.  And by not getting angry, I had nothing I had to apologize for afterwards, to my husband and to God.  I finally did get help, and the man that helped me was so kind, and even asked if I needed to stop to get some warm water for my throat!  So sweet, he was Indian too, and it so reminded me of the movie "Other End Of The Line".
4. I feel so much more balanced, even though I'm so emotional.  I feel safer.  At work the past two days I don't have to worry about feeling overwhelmed because I know that once I'm done work, my husband will only guide me in what is best for me, and I can leave it all in his hands.  Last night I had a migraine, so I laid down and he went out with friends since he hasn't been able to in a few weeks.  Then tonight I was so tired I was almost falling asleep when I picked him up from work, so he said tonight we'd get take out.  I didn't even have to ask what to do for supper.  It was nice.  I hope I start to feel better soon.

We will be skipping maintenance this week, my husband says.  Because of his stitches.  I hope he doesn't add to it for when he can do it again.  *gulp*  But I can honestly say my fear of being spanked again is already gone.  I did just need a few days.  So thankful for that!

Sunday, January 06, 2013

So Many Babies Can Be Hard

Today was so hard.  We have a small church.  Only about 40 people on a regular week, and almost half of them are children.  Since we had a baby in 2011 that only lived two hours, I've had a hard time hearing news about babies.  I am happy for them, but I need time to go home and process first.  This week two people in our church had babies, so I braved myself to face them, hoping and praying that I would honestly be happy for them.  I knew I'd have to see both families up close because I was one of the volunteers to bring them both food for meals, so there was no getting out of it.  But what I didn't expect was for a family that usually hurts me anyways to pull me aside right before I had to speak in church this morning, and tell me they too were pregnant.  They just found out.  This will be child number three.  It was so hard to speak in church today.  I was already overwhelmed preparing to see the two new babies, about starting work tomorrow, not being able to sleep because my husband can't sleep on his stomach this week which means he's snoring, being sick with a sinus cold and flu, and a few other things...

Not only have I had a miscarriage and had a baby die as well, but it's also been very hard for us to get pregnant.  Five years in, and we still have no living children.  I want it to hurt less when I hear someone is pregnant, but it never seems to get easier.  We are now the only couple in our church, besides ones that just got married, that has no children.  I feel so out of place.  I will be 35 soon... and I feel like my dream is slipping away.  I want it to hurt less.  I want to stop missing my son so much.  I can't believe I had him for only two hours, yet almost two years later I can still feel him in my arms, I still remember him holding so tightly to my hand.  I sometimes wonder if I'm jealous... and maybe I am to some degree, but it's more of being reminded all the time of my dream, and how I'm not getting it.  I said to myself this morning, I really thought I'd be pregnant by now.  And for the first time, realized how many times in the past four years I've said that.  It might be time for me to give up this dream.  I have already been trying.  I'm not succeeding, but I have to at some point, or the want and the hurt will kill me.

But there is good news, what made it easier this time hearing the news of yet another pregnancy (we currently have 6 babies and three on the way in our church, not to mention friends and family) was that my husband stepped up to the plate to be there for me.  I even found the drive home easier.  Since I'm no longer allowed to speed, it means I have to be more in control over all, I've always been a really safe driver, sometimes even to the annoyance of those with me, but not being able to speed means I have to exercise more control, so needing to keep good control of the car meant I had to keep good control over my emotions.  I thought it would annoy me not being able to speed, but I actually felt so peaceful about it.

My husband was very pleased with me.  Also, this morning, he asked me a question.  I wasn't thinking, and just answered with "maybe".  He deepened his voice and said "That doesn't answer my question."  It so shocked me.  I loved it.  He's never called me on it if I do it in the past.  Never.  I feel I don't do it often, but since I don't pay attention, maybe I do dodge his questions more than I think.  I asked him how it felt to call me on it, and he said it was good.  I asked him how my dodging the questions, even without thinking, made him feel.  He said it annoyed him, and he admitted at my further questionning that it always bothered him when I did that.  So I'm glad now that he'll call me on it.  This way, even if I don't know I'm doing it, he can still get answers from me.  This really helps because my husband is always so fearful of saying anything to hurt my feelings, especially since we lost our son, and I want him to see that I'm not going to fall apart at everything.  Yes, there will be times like today, but that is that, I'm not a time bomb waiting to go off.  Thank goodness he's seeing that. :)

Back to work tomorrow for the first time in 9 1/2 months.  I'm nervous, but also feel good about being able to contribute to our finances again.  When the center I worked for last spring closed, I really did not think it would take so long to find work.  But God has been faithful, where all the money came from, I can't even say, but thank goodness He provided.

Saturday, January 05, 2013

Really? Can't I Get This Right?

I feel like I shouldn't be allowed to drive anymore.  Okay, so I don't really believe this, it's just me feeling down, but driving earned me my third punishment in two weeks, this time because of a dead battery. 

Yesterday my husband had his appointment to remove the small lump from his chest.  Figuring he wouldn't be allowed to drive home for fear of stretching the stitches, I drove him.  I must have turned the lights on when I started the car and forgot, and so didn't turn them off once we got to the hospital.  This would not have been a big deal except we had to wait an hour for him to get to the room, and then he had to wait over half an hour in another room, and the procedure took half an hour.  We also arrived early in case they needed him for prep time, not knowing we'd have to wait.

I left my husband on a bench at the door of the hospital because the freezing they used made him dizzy, something they told him would happen when they gave it to him.  When I got to the car, the battery was not completely dead, but it was close, just enough to turn on the car dome light, but the car wouldn't start.  I was so mad at myself.  This is the forth time this has happened to me, and the last time was only two weeks ago.

We have had the car about two and a half years, for the first 1 1/2 - 2 years this never happened to me.  But for some reason in the past 9 months or so, I've started turning on the lights in the day without realizing it.  I've come out several times to the car, in plenty of time, to find out I left the lights on.  I have always been so responsible for the cars we've owned, so this turning on the lights without realizing it is really bothering me.  So two weeks ago I decided to do all I could to check to make sure I turned off the lights every time I left the car, so even if I hadn't turned them on, I'd be in the habit to check.  But yesterday it happened twice.  The first time I was only gone 20 minutes, so no big deal.  But to happen at the hospital when all I wanted to do was get my husband home?  Not good.

So I walked back and told my husband and apologized.  I was so mad at myself.  I wasn't even thinking about a punishment, I was just so mad at myself that I'm usually so together, and yet for the forth time, because of me, our car had to be boosted.  Why was I being so dense?  I never needed to learn a lesson repeatedly.  Even my friend later last night said it really wasn't like me to keep making the same mistake.  I don't know if that made me feel better, or worse.

I called two friends.  One, her battery had died just last week from the cold alone so she didn't think it would be safe for her own battery to try.  The second one wasn't comfortable with it because she didn't know how to do it and was worried we might fry her computer.  So I called my pastor, who I've gotten to become friends with.  He said he didn't have cables, but that if I did, he'd come over, so he did and gave us the boost.  As we left the hospital, I told my husband I was so sorry, and that it was bothering me that I was usually so responsible and dependable, but yet couldn't remember to turn off the lights.  My husband looked at me with love, and you could hear it in his voice, even though he had to be firm.  "I know, but I'll have to punish you for this.  I don't know how else you're going to remember to check the lights when you get out of the car."  It was said so gently that I felt no judgement, just his want to help me in this.

I had suspected a punishment would happen, and I didn't even try to fight it.  He was right.  For the first time since I can remember, I was really struggling to break a habit.  Had it been the first time, or even the second, I know there would have been no punishment, but a forth time meant something was ingrained, and it had to be broken.  So I admitted to him that he was right.  That nothing I was trying was working, and maybe having to be punished for it would put it right in my head.  My husband was too sore and tired when we got home last night from the procedure, so we'll see when he can do it.  If his chest is sore, it won't be a spanking, but something else.  I told him that if he's okay with it, I want it to be something else so that he does not risk injuring his incision.

On the way home last night, we had to make a few stops, and I've figured out when it is I'm turning them on.  I start the car, put it in gear, and as I reach for the steering wheel with my right hand, my left hand leaves the wheel, gives the lights a flick, and goes back to the wheel, all in under a second.  I was amazed how naturally it happened every time, especially since I never trained myself to do this.  That is what is so disturbing.  I used to do this several cars ago because it didn't have day lights, but made myself give it up once we got day lights to avoid this very scenario of dead batteries.  Weird.

Since we have to play it low key, today we're celebrating our anniversary since it's this week.  We were going to last night, but my friend, who is a nurse, said it might not be safe to have wine since he'd had freezing that bothered his head.  So we'll celebrate today.  We're going to keep it low key.  A pizza, bottle of wine, (we rarely drink, and only a little bit when we do, but we always try to have wine on our anniversary) and watch a movie.  That way my husband can continue to rest.  I'll let you know how the punishment goes when I receive it.  In a way, after the last spanking, I'm glad to think he can't give me one right now.  I feel I still need time to mentally prepare after the last one.  I think in another couple days I'll be alright, but for now, I'm still very skittish about it.  I'm so hoping that passes.

Friday, January 04, 2013

A Bad Night

Last night was bad.  Really bad. 

Even though I wasn't feeling good on Wednesday, I needed the car for one thing that day.  For some reason we were running late.  As I said last week, when we're in the car, my husband prefers for me to drive.  So when we got into the car, I prayed that we would make it on time.  About five minutes from my husband's work I realized we were going to cut it very close, and he's supposed to be there five minutes early, and that definitely was not going to happen.  I realized when I looked down at the spedometer that I was going 15km/9m over the speed limit.  If you recall, I'm not allowed to go that fast over the speed limit.  This really upset me too because usually I never go over.  I could probably name five times, if that in a year where I accidentally went over, and never purposefully.  So to do so twice in a row bothered me.

So last night my husband spanked me for it.  After he did twenty warm up ones I found I was really hurting.  He said we could stop if need be.  I told him that was up to him, that he got to determine how much of a spanking I needed.  So he gave me five more hard ones.  I found though I still hadn't broken through my mentality to not speed nor reached a breaking point, so I told him that maybe in the future we should do 5-10 more.  He decided to do them right then and there and made me get the bath brush, even though I had meant for future reference.

I wish I hadn't said anything.  I wish I could take it back.  He proceeded to spank me about twenty more times, but it was too much.  They were too hard.  At the last two I was bawling, but not in a good way.  I recoiled inside myself for a few minutes afterwards and bawled.  I never make a sound when I cry, but last night you could have heard me through half the house.  I couldn't talk to him, and just wanted to be by myself.  It was not a good place to be in.  He just rubbed my bottom for comfort, and once I was ready, pulled me into his arms. 

So afterwards we talked.  He realized he pushed too far, and said he was really worried after the spanking when I pulled inside myself that I wasn't okay.  It actually scared him I think.  I told him that we are learning as we go, and that we will make mistakes.  I also admitted it wasn't until the last two spanks that my mind went from feeling like I was being spanked to being beaten.  And I don't even know why it went there, but that is where it went.

So next time he's going to try to use a little less force, but to also listen to my signals better.  I guarantee though, even though speeding was a mistake this time, and I didn't realize I was going so fast, I really will keep a better eye on the speed now and not just follow along with the flow of traffic.

I am so glad the cuddle time is so often talked about in DD.  Last night I am not sure what would have happened if we weren't making that a practice.  Last night, more than ever, I needed that time with my husband.  I also admitted to him that I needed him to tell me a few times that he loved me.  It was also great to hear him say how proud he was of me for not trying to get away from the spanking once it started and that I didn't roll off the spot this time, which was on his lap.

Last night my husband admitted he wanted us to stick with DD now, and it was good to hear it from him because I've been half afraid I've pushed him into it.  So this weekend we face our anniversary, and I'm super excited!

Thursday, January 03, 2013

Being Sick

I have been so sick for days, and am so glad to feel up to sitting up today.

Last night I was debating still lying around or trying to exercise.  Sometimes when I'm pondering something, I say it out loud.  I don't mean to, and usually when I'm around people I don't, but I'm so used to my husband being around that I've slipped into doing it while he's here.  So he heard me.  He said "I want you to get up and exercise."

I was stunned.  It's been so hard to get my husband to tell me to do stuff so far, or to make up rules of his own.  A lot of it has still been me making up rules, and then just telling him when I broke them, so I've still been struggling with feeling in charge, and wanting to let that go.  So when he told me that last night, I was really taken a back.  I looked at him and said "What?"  He then went on to repeat himself.

I really was still feeling really yucky and weak, so I asked him what would happen if I didn't obey.  I wasn't trying to be bratty or test my limits, I just honestly was that tired and sick.  He said he'd give me a spanking.  Let me tell you, at that moment I honestly considered still not doing it.  All I wanted to do was sleep, what had made me even consider saying I was thinking about working out?  He saw me debating, and added that I would lose my laptop for the rest of the night, which didn't phase me any because at that moment I just wanted to go to bed.  He then said he'd take my laptop for the entire next day, which is today.

I like to have my laptop when I'm sick, to play games on, or watch movies on, just something I can do all cuddled up in bed.  I got up, and asked him if I needed to do 30 minutes.  He said no, I had tried to do 30 minutes earlier in the day and only got in 15, so he said I could just do another 15.  Let me tell you, all I did was march on the spot and do a 5 minute wii fit stepping.  I ended up doing 20 minutes for marching and the 5 minutes on the wii because I wanted to show him I wanted to please him.  I looked like an old lady doing a shuffle, I didn't even work up a sweat I was so physically exhausted from having a cold and flu at the same time, but I really think it helped.  My breathing was a bit better afterwards, and my achy muscles weren't bothering me as much.

My husband doesn't care what I look like, he actually almost seems afraid of me losing weight.  But still, he stepped up and is helping me keep my goals.  I am so thankful for that.  I think he also remembered me saying once that sometimes when I'm sick I just need to exhert myself.  I never would have done so on my own last night, and maybe that is why I'm feeling a bit better today.  Feed a Fever, Starve a Cold.  Let's hope it's right.

This coming week is our anniversary.  We're hoping to be able to sit down and do a lot of talking about what we think so far, what we want in the future, and any rules we'd like to add, adjust, or what have you.  My husband has to have a small lump surgically removed tomorrow from his chest, so our plans to do a full boot camp have to be put off.  I really don't want him to do anything that would injure himself, so I have asked that he not do so this weekend, and he agreed.  I was really looking forward to doing the boot camp on our anniversary, but God's timing is always best.  I start a new job on Monday, so maybe this isn't the weekend to do it with the new job anyway.  My biggest hope for the weekend now is that we can write up a sort of contract to each other.  I guess for me it feels like a renewing of vows.  I can't wait.