I wanted my post today to be about my parents visit, as in as much as I love them, they were really hard to put up with today. But I just am in a weird headspace, and not sure I can even put it into words.
I have this angst lately. Not enough time alone with the Duke and I miss him. I crave him. I just want time to sit in his arms, feel his authority, feel his dominance, his care, his love, and his control. I have loved our times together, and yet the little that I have gotten just doesn't seem enough.
I keep looking for ways to please him, and he's starting to notice. Yet I still desire more. I feel like I'm addicted to pleasing him, be it his favourite meal, a dress I'm wearing, or asking his permission even over something small. But I'm craving it.
This is a good craving, right? I've never really craved to make someone else this happy. You know, this is a dog eat dog world, I've never really been taught to put someone else before myself to this degree, and yet I long to.
I think all this is magnified with my parents. My mother has said a few things about the past that left me feeling very vulnerable and shaky. Not meaning to, she, in her weird way, thought they were funny. I did not. And so I long to have the Duke's strength with me as well, and in wanting him there, I also want to find ways to please him. Also, it's another month we aren't pregnant, another month I've missed my cycle with this disease, and so I wait for the next one to try again. And I think I've just needed something else to direct my attention to as I am starting to feel the dream for another child, one that will live this time, slipping through my 35 year old fingers. So a distraction seems so good, and the Duke seems like such a good choice.
I'm not sure where all these thoughts lead, or if this is a good path or a bad path, it's just where I am right now. I hope you all have a wonderful week a head, mine, that was going to be laid back, literally got filled to the brim on meetings I could not say no to. :( :(