UNDER CONSTRUCTION

We had to take down all our posts for a while. We did not realize that to put them back up would repost them in everyone's feeds. We apologize for that. We also will do our best, as life allows, to get the rest of the posts up as soon as possible. :)

Sincerely, The Duke and EsMay

Monday, November 11, 2013

Not Sure Where I'm At

I wanted my post today to be about my parents visit, as in as much as I love them, they were really hard to put up with today.  But I just am in a weird headspace, and not sure I can even put it into words.

I have this angst lately.  Not enough time alone with the Duke and I miss him.  I crave him.  I just want time to sit in his arms, feel his authority, feel his dominance, his care, his love, and his control.  I have loved our times together, and yet the little that I have gotten just doesn't seem enough.

I keep looking for ways to please him, and he's starting to notice.  Yet I still desire more.  I feel like I'm addicted to pleasing him, be it his favourite meal, a dress I'm wearing, or asking his permission even over something small.  But I'm craving it.

This is a good craving, right?  I've never really craved to make someone else this happy.  You know, this is a dog eat dog world, I've never really been taught to put someone else before myself to this degree, and yet I long to.

I think all this is magnified with my parents.  My mother has said a few things about the past that left me feeling very vulnerable and shaky.  Not meaning to, she, in her weird way, thought they were funny.  I did not.  And so I long to have the Duke's strength with me as well, and in wanting him there, I also want to find ways to please him.  Also, it's another month we aren't pregnant, another month I've missed my cycle with this disease, and so I wait for the next one to try again.  And I think I've just needed something else to direct my attention to as I am starting to feel the dream for another child, one that will live this time, slipping through my 35 year old fingers.  So a distraction seems so good, and the Duke seems like such a good choice.

I'm not sure where all these thoughts lead, or if this is a good path or a bad path, it's just where I am right now.  I hope you all have a wonderful week a head, mine, that was going to be laid back, literally got filled to the brim on meetings I could not say no to. :( :(

16 comments:

  1. Hello Es May, and blessings to you. MM and I also lost a child but went on to have 3 more!!!!! Do not lose faith or hope, your baby is waiting for you :-) Love Bella

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    1. Thank you, Bella, I really hope that is true. :)

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  2. I know how heart breaking it can be to realize you aren't pregnant. We are going through the same thing. It seems like pregnancy is everywhere. Keep the faith! Hang on to the Duke. It will happen when the time is right.

    Hugs,
    TL

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    1. I hope so, TL, Still praying for you and another lady here in blogland to be blessed with the same. :) {{{HUGS}}}

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  3. Es May, when parents are around we always revert to some degree back to their children. Their very presence has a profound effect on us. On a lighter note, my dad alway told me he was happy to see us when we arrived and equally happy to say goodbye after the visit!

    I will add to my prayer list that you are successful in getting pregnant! Hang in there and just keep on hanging close to the Duke and everything will work out just the way it is supposed to.

    Blessings,
    George

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    1. George, I think that is so true. I was so glad to have them here, but so glad to have my bedroom back and my place back in order again with time to myself. :) And thank you for the prayer, that means so much to me. :) Hugs and Blessings.

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    1. Thank you, Elle. :) {{{HUGS}}}

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  5. Focus on all the good in your life, rather than the bad, blessing will multiply and remember that someone else is in charge and you will receive what is meant to be.
    Enjoy each day and the opportunities you are given to be a better you and help others along the way.

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    1. Thank you, Sunny Girl. I do try to focus on the good, there is so much bad that it tries to overwhelm me, but I keep trying.

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  6. I get like that with Steve sometimes. It seems like I constantly crave more of him. Instead of that thirst for him being quenched when I get time with him, it just intensifies. I think it's a good thing.

    I'm with you on the PCOS thing. I swear sometimes I think Mother Nature dangles the possibility in front of me just so she can yank it away. And yet I just keep trying. Every month I get upset, either because I got my hopes up only to have a negative test or because my cycle was so messed up that I knew there wasn't a chance. Thankfully Steve has been a rock for me through all the emotional ups and downs.

    I don't remember if I told you or not, but there is a great forum for women with PCOS (soulcysters.net). It's an awesome community where you can talk to others that get it because they're going through it too. You might want to check it out.

    ((HUGS))

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    1. Dana, I did not know about the site, thank you so much for sharing it with me! :) I really think I could use the support. I feel your frustration. I really thought we would be pregnant this year, yet I've only had two cycles. :( Kind of makes it near impossible to happen without a miracle. :( I'll add you to my list of ladies I'm praying for. {{{HUGS}}}

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  7. Hugs Es May! For me at the moment, it is the physical pain of not being pregnant that is nearly killing me. I'm having to have 2-3 days off work each month. It will happen, we just need to be patient, easier said than done though.

    Callie

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    1. Hey Callie, I am sorry that it is going so hard. {{{HUGS}}} You are the other lady I'm praying for here in blogland, and I am praying so much for your blessing. You are right, patience is not something easily achieved, that is for sure. {{{HUGS}}}

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  8. Es May,
    I think it is a healthy desire--this longing to be with and to please the Duke. Our society has over time taught us to be very individualistic. Gosh...I still remember the song from primary school. "The most important person in the whole wide world is ME." It was meant to boost our self confidence of course but is that really what life is all about. Feel proud of the connection you are making with him. It's all good.

    I'm so sorry you missed another cycle. Hold onto hope Es May!

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    1. Susie, that is so true, and we are even taught as women to try to out do men, and in the competition, have lost the sight to see we need each other. Thank you for pointing that out. :) And I will try to hold onto hope. {{{HUGS}}}

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Please feel free to leave any comments, but I do ask you to be kind. We go into this with eyes wide open after months of prayer, and a peace in our hearts that this is the right choice before God for our marriage. I am open to questions from those who wonder why we made this choice, but I would ask for no personal attacks. Thank you. :)

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