UNDER CONSTRUCTION

We had to take down all our posts for a while. We did not realize that to put them back up would repost them in everyone's feeds. We apologize for that. We also will do our best, as life allows, to get the rest of the posts up as soon as possible. :)

Sincerely, The Duke and EsMay

Saturday, November 23, 2013

Long DD Talk With Non DD Friend

Maryanne, I keep meaning to write a funny post for you.  If you're still in need of one on Monday, I'll aim to write one for you. :) :)

If you have been reading along for a while, you know that a few months ago I lied to my best friend when she asked if I was spanked.  Her tone worried me that she would be quite upset.  But the lie ate at me until a month or so ago I finally broke down and told her the truth.  I have been worried ever since telling her that we practice DD that it might end our friendship, but I had to fix the lie.  {This is a bit longer post, sorry, hopefully you find it worth the read.}

Well last Friday, 8 days ago, DD came up.  We had not talked about it since that night when I told her we do indeed practice.  But Friday night she wanted to talk about it.  So I told her what I felt safe telling her, and how it made me feel.  This probably lasted about 20-30 minutes.  I even admitted how I wondered at times if we should ever talk to our pastor, as with the articles that went out this summer, and talks of possible new ones, I don't want anything bad to happen to the Duke if anyone in our church found out and did not agree with how we live our lives.  She said unless something happened, to just let it go for now.  She also said that I probably did not give enough detail in my blog to identify it as me anyway, which is close to the truth.  I was surprised with how well she seemed to be taking it all.  She even asked to read the post I wrote after the article this summer, so I copied and pasted it into an email, I just don't want her to be able to find my blog..  But on Saturday she asked if we could talk sometime as she had some questions. She did no sound happy.  She was at a party, but I said yes, and we talked the next day over the phone.

She had so many questions, she had done a lot of reading after our talk on Friday night, and had gotten some bad info, and misunderstood some others.  Am I EVER glad she asked me instead of just going with what was online.

Her first question was if we did maintenance, and she sounded so upset, so afraid for me, my heart broke for her.  I admitted that we did, but told her why.  I told her how we find that a weekly spanking helps keep me calm, helps me let any stress that may be building up.  I told her how the Duke will also at times do one if it seems I'm starting to spin out of control.

She asked if I had bought the starter kit.  I laughed, and laughed, and asked where in the world she'd heard that.  Is there a starter kit?  If there is, I haven't seen it.  Does it come with paddles?  Book?  Rules?

She asked about the retreat, still so much doubt, fear and a bit of anger in her questions.  I told her I knew of a retreat, but that I wasn't going.  This is where she began to soften.  She admitted it would be nice when you do something so few people do, to meet up with them and be able to hang out.

She had read that I was to live my life just for the Duke, and that I wasn't allowed to have any opinions.  It scares me that this is true for some.  I told her we did DD because I wanted it, and if I ever wanted to stop, we would.  I love to make the Duke happy, but that isn't my entire world.  I also told her that I get to share my opinion as much as the Duke does, and that at times he chooses what I want, and at times, he chooses a different path, but it's all with the best interest of me and our marriage in mind.  He always puts me before himself, and in that I never have to worry that he'll make a decision selfishly.  I admitted how many times this stops a fight, because I can trust him with the decisions he makes.  She said she saw how this could help many marriages.

She asked why I got to get punished, and not the Duke, was I ever allowed to paddle him?  I admitted to her that if I put my foot down, that yes, I probably would be allowed to paddle the Duke, but that I NEVER wanted to.  I reminded her of how I hate being in control in my marriage, how stressed and even ill I get when I have to handle too much.  I told her that now that the Duke is wearing the pants in the family, I wanted it to stay that way.  I told her that if I ever was to spank him, I'd feel that I was taking that control back, and I'd feel all the stress and anxiety that comes with it.  She admitted that it would be good for me not to be in that place again.  And I told her how the Duke enforcing a rule with me actually makes him more conscious of how he's doing with that own rule in his own life.  I also admitted that if I don't get punished, then I am just like I was before DD, carrying around a bunch of guilt, and that the Duke sees how a punishment helps me, and frees me, and makes me smile again, and that it is worth it for both of us.

She admitted to me that she had talked to her fiance, and that she was very sorry.  I told her I had suspected she would, but knew she wouldn't talk about it beyond him, and she agreed that is what she had planned.  She just had felt so scared for me, so afraid I'd been brainwashed, or was doing this against my will that she needed to talk so someone.  She expected her fiance to be as freaked out as she was, but he wasn't.  To be honest, he is very happy about us practicing DD actually, and this was before her and I got to clarify all this.  He saw how black my depression got after we lost our son.  He was really worried about me.  He also knows that since then, it's too easy for me to go from being really happy to nothing is but a black hole.  Literally, it can happen in minutes.  But it hasn't been happening lately, and he's noticed how happy I've been, but wasn't sure why.  He told my best friend that for me, I probably needed the structure, and that he was glad the Duke was giving that to me.  It really surprised my best friend, but gave her more to think on.

She had a few more questions that were a bit scary from what she'd read, and over our forty-five minute phone call, I answered them all.  At the end though, I told her, that what we do works, but that I couldn't tell her exactly why.  I told her a lot of women felt that way.  It works, but we aren't sure why.  I started crying when I told her how happy I was, how safe I finally felt, how loved, and how I finally felt worth the Duke's time and attention.  I told her how we talk for hours on end at times, how he selflessly does so much for me now, how peaceful I feel when that feeling of submission settles inside of me.  She admitted she loved how happy I had become this year, and that I didn't sound afraid of the Duke at all.  She even ended up being happy for us, and I could tell she was being very honest.

I never expected to share so much about what DD means, but I'm glad that I did.  She ended our conversation asking if we could still be friends if she and her fiance didn't practice DD in their marriage.  I told her that of course I would still be her friend, and that I honestly believe that only half the marriages I know would benefit from DD, others it would be detrimental, and others already looked great without it.  But, I won't lie, hearing how she and her fiance talked about it, and what they felt it would and wouldn't do for them, something tells me it's going to be something they do try. ;)  And she is so much like me, that I honestly do feel she'd feel more safe and loved and centered with it.  But either way, she's still very happy, and whether she does it or not, doesn't matter to me as long as they both are happy and love each other. :)

I am SO THANKFUL that my friend talked to me, and didn't just believe what she read.  When she first called, she was full out panicked, and I am scared to think how much that panic would have grown if she'd waited to talk to me.  But afterwards, you could hear the relief and joy in her voice.

But all this had taught me something very important about this corner of blogland that I kind of knew before, but this really drove it home.  We NEED to be here.  Some of the things she found out at other sites scared her, and it was right that they did when she told me of them, this lifestyle is not about fear.  We need to be here to show people that DD can and should be done in a beautiful and loving light.  That DD is about making your marriage better, not about suppressing the weaker spouse and making them live in fear.  DD works different for each marriage, but we can be here to give options, and show what's working for us so that those starting out have a good place to start to look at when figuring out first steps {without comparing to their own marriage}.  We need to be here for support for each other, during bad times and good times.  We can be here to offer an ear, advice, options, love, and our hearts.  Blogland, for all of you out there that I now consider family, thank you for being all that to me, and so many others that are searching for something to make their marriage make it, through thick and thin, until "death do us part".  And not just make it, but be happy and thriving while doing so. I've said it before, but hope it's okay to again, THANK YOU blogland for all that you do and mean to me!

22 comments:

  1. Es May,
    You are brave and kind. Your friend listened and you calmy talked. I love the idea of a starter kit. Now that is funny. Thank you for sharing.
    Meredith

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    1. I know, right? She brought it up again last night, and I laughed all over again. LOL

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  2. Wonderful post and I am glad you were able to put your friends mind at ease. Also glad we are here as sounding boards for each other. It's always nice to get another opinion.

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    1. Sunny Girl, ir really is great to have other opinions, I know I have been helped so much by them. :)

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  3. Wow that is huge Es May. I am so glad your friend gave you the opportunity to explain and that she really listened. I hope it will continue to go smoothly with her and that your friendship will just grow closer from this.

    much love
    sara

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    1. Oh Sara, I am so glad that she gave me a chance to explain. :) You know, at first I worried this would ruin our friendship, but we've been really close since, so I am really glad. :)

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  4. Hey Es May...Happy you helped your friend understand a bit better. I have seen/experienced the good, bad and ugly of TTWD/DD so if there are any questions I can help answer, just send me an email. Don't think you'll need to but wanted you to know the offer is on the table if you need it.

    Keep up the great work!

    Hugs and Blessings...
    Cat

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    1. Oh Cat, Thank you so much! I think she is good now, but if she isn't, that really means a lot to me. How sweet of you. {{{HUGS}}}

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  5. Es May, So happy that your friend wanted to talk and then listened to you. I could not agree with you more about the wonderful folks in this community!

    Blessings,
    George

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    1. Thank you, George. I know, we have some pretty cool people here, eh? ;)

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  6. Hi EsMay,
    Hmm, a starter kit....that's funny, I wonder where she seen that? I'm glad that she came to you and that you were able to make her feel better about all of this.
    Kim

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    1. Oh Kim, I know. LOL She told me last night she's going to find the link again and send it to me. LOL

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  7. A starter kit? OMG where do you buy one of those? Wow. That's great that you were able to have a follow up talk. I was a little worried for you, for her, for your friendship... It's a tough thing to understand.

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    1. LOL chickadee, she is going to try to find me the link because I laughed so hard at the notion, so when I get it, I'll have to share it with you guys. LOL And thank you for the worry, I was too, and am so glad it worked out.

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  8. What a great post, it's so nice how honest you were able to be with her, especially after she heard all that info.

    A starter kit?! That would be hilarious!

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    1. Hey Kenzie, I am just glad she let me be so honest. :) And yeah, still find the idea of the starter kit funny. lol

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  9. Hi Es May, I just love this post. Firstly, I love how your friend came to you and asked those questions because she was genuinely concerned for you and that there was no real judgement on her part. As you said, it's so good she did so rather than 'believing' what she had read. I'm so glad you were able to answer her questions and put her mind at ease and I think it's great that both she and her fiance can see how positive this is for you.

    I think you have a wonderful friend there who truly cares about you. I also think it was very brave of both of you to have those conversations. Brave of her to ask in the first place and of you to share such details,and so honestly. Good on you :)

    I want to also add Amen to your last paragraph :)

    Hugs,
    Roz

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    1. Had to edit comment due to over sharing personal info...

      Hey Roz, you should see this friend, it is no surprise she was so worried. I jokingly call her my Mamma Bear. When we lost Michael and people would start to say stupid things, she'd jump right in and put a stop to it, and then kind of protect me from those people from then on in until I could myself. :)

      And you are right, I am so glad she came to me with her questions. I never thought of our talk as brave, but in all honesty, it really was, we were both so nervous and scared, and it turned out so great, but wouldn't have if we hadn't been willing to have this talk.

      {{{hugs}}} EsMay

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  10. Great post!
    I couldn't imagine telling my best friend about it.. And she's very open minded. You're very brave! :) (and I mean that in the best way!)
    Hugs,
    Elle

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    1. You know, Elle, I never thought I'd tell my best friend either. lol It wouldn't be for all friends, so I understand you not wanting to tell her, but if she does ever find out, I hope she'll be open to how much it is helping you. :)

      {{{hugs}}}

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  11. Such a beautiful post!
    I'm so glad your friend was open minded enough to listen, and you did such a fantastic job explaining everything, I think that's the hardest part because it's so personal, and so hard to explain why it works..well at least for me it is :)
    I'm so glad I found blogland too, I know there is a lot of scary information out there, it can be overwhelming, so happy I found support in the right places :)

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    1. Thank you, Jennelle, though when I was talking to her, I was so terrified I was messing up everything I meant, but in the end, I think it worked out. :) And I agree, so much scary information, that it's wonderful to see this place in blogland that comes looking at DD from a place of love, not servitude or obligation or oppression. I am so blessed by this community. :)

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Please feel free to leave any comments, but I do ask you to be kind. We go into this with eyes wide open after months of prayer, and a peace in our hearts that this is the right choice before God for our marriage. I am open to questions from those who wonder why we made this choice, but I would ask for no personal attacks. Thank you. :)

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