UNDER CONSTRUCTION

We had to take down all our posts for a while. We did not realize that to put them back up would repost them in everyone's feeds. We apologize for that. We also will do our best, as life allows, to get the rest of the posts up as soon as possible. :)

Sincerely, The Duke and EsMay

Thursday, November 14, 2013

Learning From My Parents Mistakes

Well, my parents went home yesterday.  It was one of those, glad you were here, glad you are gone kind of visits.  I loved having them here, I really did, but after having them here for five nights, I was ready to have my bed back again and have my apartment back to shape.

I noticed something when my parents were here.  They pick at each other, a lot.  My mother more so than my father.  What shocked me was that sometimes they could sound really mean to each other, and then start laughing.  And not just laughing a little, but full out laughter that sometimes even ended in tickle fights.  I was so shocked that I needed time to process.  Usually when they pick at each other and fight, I'd try to diffuse things, but the Duke was making points last time that maybe I should step back.  But I was confused.  Why was picking at each other working for them?  Why did it make them so happy when having someone pick at me makes me so sad?  Am I just too sensitive?  Can I not take a joke?

So this time I didn't interfere just ask the Duke had suggested.  But you want to know what happened after a few times of the picking and laughing?  The anger started.  The picking would go too far for one of them, and they'd get mad.  The other would think they were joking, and take it a step further until the other was flat out livid and sometimes even yelling, even with the Duke and I in the room with them.  After a few days, it was getting really hard to handle and my nerves and patience were wearing thin.  That, and I need at least 30 minutes of alone time a day, and 8 hours of sleep.  I was getting absolutely no alone time, and maybe 6 hours of sleep a night.  I did as the Duke asked last time, and didn't interfere once, and this happened a dozen times a day, at least. 

The last night of their visit they were going strong, and finally, without thinking, and having been around the snarkiness for several days, I myself said something snarky to the Duke.  My eyes bulged out of my head, I was so shocked.  And not caring that my father was right there, I stopped, faced the Duke and told him right then and there that I was truly sorry.  I told him I had promised to not be snarky with him, and that I had broke that promise, and once again told him I was sorry.  I didn't do it to get out of a punishment, even though there was none.  I did it because first of all it was wrong, and second of all, I had acted that way in front of my dad, which made it ten times worse.  The Duke didn't care, but I DID.  I don't want to be rude to the Duke, but I also don't want to end up like my parents.  Part of the reason I wanted the Duke to step up way before I knew about DD was because I wanted my marriage to be much happier than my parents.  I love my parents, I really do, but I don't want the kind of marriage they have.  I want their to be respect, a lot less fighting, a lot more support and love.

My dad knows from their last visit that I've been working on being a submissive wife, and that I'm working on doing things that honour the Duke.  He told me at the time that he thought this was a good thing.  This time he even saw me wearing a dress, and deferring to the Duke a lot more.  I didn't even buy one thing while out shopping with them without asking the Duke first if I could have it.  My mother seems to find it weird, and you can tell this is so not for her, but I wish it was.  She has been the head of that household the entire time I was growing up.  It isn't working.  I wish I could tell them someday about DD, but I can't.  My mother would never keep the secret.  When she knows something, the whole family does, even if you tell her you don't want to know.  I don't worry for me, I don't care if every single person I know knows that we practice DD, but I'd hate for the Duke to be wrongly accused if people chose not to see it in the right light. 

I hope my dad realizes I'm trying, and that I'm not a big failure at being a submissive wife.  I hope that he sees that in the trying, I'm not perfect, but I am really working at it.  I also hope he sees the apology for the healthy thing that it is.  I really think he and my mother could learn a great deal if they could just learn to tell each other they were sorry, and truly mean it.  But to be honest, if my dad doesn't realize these things, I'm not going to worry.  It's not him I have to please.  It's the Duke.

AND, the Duke was so impressed with my behaviour this week and how much he loved how I deferred to him so much, and little things like doing the dishes for him when that is his chores, that when we got home from work last night, and I went to put the apartment back the way I like to have it, he came along side me and helped me!  Without my having to ask!  And he stayed and helped me until everything was done.  I..., that has never happened, I've always had to ask... and this time, I didn't feel like a burden, I felt like he wanted to help me, and that melted my heart.  I almost cried... I'm so not used to feeling that special.  And with his help, the whole place was done in like 20 minutes! :)

And then... it was maintenance.  I dreaded it, I was just so tired, but it ended up being great.  He only used his hand, and he talked to me the whole way through it.  And tonight he went to the store, and brought home my favourite chocolate bar.  I love that man. :)

Step by step we keep growing, I wonder what next week will bring. :)

*** My laptop fan died today, so my time at the computer for the next two weeks will be limited while it's out for repair.  I haven't been able to go back and read posts from the whole few weeks I was insanely busy, but have been trying to read your posts this week, only to find out that 20 blogs in my list were hiding. :(  I felt horrible.  So I finally found out how to get them showing again.  Thank you all for your patience as I've been a horrible blogger.  But I'm back, and hopefully the next two weeks will work out for me to keep up. :)  If not, do you think it would be less than submissive to kick the Duke off his computer more so I get enough blogging time? ;)

26 comments:

  1. That sounds like really great progress Es May! I am sure your dad did notice you were trying and how wonderful that the Duke was so happy with you.

    ((hugs))
    sara

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    1. Thank you, Sara, I really hope so. :) {{{HUGS}}}

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  2. Sitting here with a big smile on my face Es May. You are doing awesome! One incident of snarkiness during the entire visit...seems to me you were showing your father how well you are doing.

    Read and comment on blogs when you can...post when you can...no pressure.

    Oh and ummm...kicking the Duke off his computer more so I get enough blogging time? Ummm...yea...not a good idea. LOL

    Hugs and Blessings...
    Cat

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    1. Cat, thank you so much for your kind words, it is great to hear from someone out looking in that you're doing okay. And I didn't have to kick the Duke off his computer, thankfully. :) A friend lent us a monitor so we could use our spare computer that just sits as backup. :) {{{HUGS}}}

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  3. Things sound like they are humming right along. A good cchocolate bar makes it just right.
    Meredith

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    1. Oh Meredith, it is scary how well chocolate can fix things! ;)

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  4. Glad you got through your parents visit w/o too much upset.

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    1. Thank you, Sunny Girl, I am glad too, though I hope it'll be even with less upset next time. :)

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  5. Hey honey :)

    I'm smiling from ear to ear here :) you guys are doing so well an growing and getting closer everyday :) wow only one snarky comment with your parents around, I would have not been able to shut my mouth :(

    My grandfather was an extremely wise man and I loved him to bits, and he used to always day to us kids, we learn manners from people who have none, and I never understood what he meant until I grew up. Good for you to recognise what you don't want in your marriage an trying so hard to make yours a loving and caring partnership :)

    Don't worry about reading and commenting on blogs honey, I said to someone else recently, life gets in the way and that's how it should be, we're all going nowhere and will be pleased to see you whenever you get the time :)

    Hugs x

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    1. You know, Missy, I never looked at it that way. I'm not perfect, I should be proud I only slipped up once, and not beat myself up for slipping up at all. Thank you for that perspective. I like what your grandfather said... I think there is a lot of truth to that. :) And thank you for being so loyal, whether I can make it on here often or not. :) {{{HUGS}}}

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  6. Only one snarky comment with a week long visit with your parent, that's amazing! You did much better than I could have managed. Don't you just love what DD does for a relationship? How sweet that the Duke helped you clean up, brought you a chocolate bar and how special he made you feel. DD may be work and but so well worth it!
    Kim

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    1. Thank you, Kim. :) And DD is so much work at first, but now things are falling into place and it isn't so much work. I never knew we could get into this groove, but I'm liking it. :) If only I'd known this time last year where we would be now. Maybe on my year anniversary I'll write a letter to myself like JGirl did. :)

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  7. You did a totally awesome job to not say anything about their bickering. Sometimes we really do have to see what we dont want so that we make precautions to prevent it happening to us :)

    Callie

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    1. Thank you, Callie, it was hard, I had to look away each time so that I made sure to be good. And it is so true, seeing them this week only reminded me that I am so blessed we have chosen this path. :)

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  8. Es May, good job, I am proud of you! Cat and Missy's advice is right on. I would only add that you are not alone with bickering parents. Perhaps it is a generational thing?

    Blessings,
    George

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    1. George, Thank you, your praise means a lot. Maybe the bickering parents is a generational thing, hope I don't do the same to any children we are blessed with. :) {{{HUGS}}}

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  9. Ha! I have bickering parents too, I learned an awful lot of bad relationship "skills" from them, but mine are very entertaining, and very much in love...or trying to kill each other. I never know which set of parents I'll see.
    I'm so glad you had a great visit, and I think it's great and shows so much progress that you were able to stay in your "roles" and continue to live the lifestyle with company present, I know I still struggle with that. Great post

    HUGS

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    1. Jennelle, it is hard at first, but now that we've been around them several times and I'm living this lifestyle all the time with the Duke, I would actually find it odd to switch back to my old ways. I am glad that he is there to support me to keep on the path we've chosen for me. :) I'm sorry about your parents, I know how difficult that can be. {{{HUGS}}}

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  10. WOW! Good for you. What a great example you set for your parents. I, like you, did not want a marriage like my parents, and DD has made our marriage so much more loving, kind and respectful than I ever knew was possible.
    What is your favorite chocolate bar? Lol

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    1. Blondie, isn't it great that we are thinking for ourselves, and refusing to follow the pattern set for us? Right now? It's Caramilk, in a few months, it'll probably change. ;)

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  11. Es May, I recently visited some friends who shouted at each other and did not treat each other with respect. They were good to their small daughter, but the yelling was truly horrendous. I came home shattered by the constant negativity. My friend claimed that that's just how they interacted with each other. But like you said about your parents, it went too far. It's wrong to put guests (not to mention children, even adult children) through that kind of stress! I don't think we need to be sweet-sappy all the time, but simple gestures of respect and simple acts of apology can make such a difference.

    DD may not work for everyone, and maybe your mom and dad are comfortable in their dynamic. Still, I'm glad you found a new way to do your own marriage.

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    1. Ana, it really can be so hard to listen to someone when they are fighting like that, I have seen it a number of times with different people. I never know what to say or do. I do try to remain quiet while it is happening as I know it'll usually only add fuel to the fire if I speak up. But it can be hard. I know what you mean, about it may not be right for my parents. Still I hope they find a way to get on better someday. :) But either way, change or not, I love them.

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  12. Hi Es May, it must have been upsetting to see your parents arguing like that. Good on you for listening to the Duke and not intervening. Good on you too for not loosing your submissiveness during their visit and especially for apologising to the Duke in front of your father. I bet he did notice your efforts.

    I'm so glad the Duke let you know he was impressed with how you handled the visit .. and brought you a chocolate bar :) LoL Seriously, happy to hear you two had some lovely reconnection time after your parents left.

    Hugs,
    Roz

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    1. Thank you, Roz. It was stressful at times, but it helped me see more than ever that the Duke and I are making the right choices for our marriage. There were some things my mom did that I saw myself doing a year ago, and I felt such shame that I had behaved so. Yes, here were more severe from years of practice, but I was still on that path. And I loved the chocolate bar, he is so sweet. :) {{{HUGS}}}

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  13. My parents bicker a lot but I've learned to ignore it. If they're here too long I end up getting overly sassy. Ugh. I love living two hours away. lol hang in there! :)

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    1. LOL We live four hours away. :) But soon it will be 18 hours away... and I will definitely miss them, bickering and all. And thank you, maryanne, I will try to hang in there. :)

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Please feel free to leave any comments, but I do ask you to be kind. We go into this with eyes wide open after months of prayer, and a peace in our hearts that this is the right choice before God for our marriage. I am open to questions from those who wonder why we made this choice, but I would ask for no personal attacks. Thank you. :)

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