UNDER CONSTRUCTION

We had to take down all our posts for a while. We did not realize that to put them back up would repost them in everyone's feeds. We apologize for that. We also will do our best, as life allows, to get the rest of the posts up as soon as possible. :)

Sincerely, The Duke and EsMay

Friday, November 08, 2013

I'm So Loved, And So Thankful For That

I'm still here, but have been a horrible blogger.  I have not had two minutes to myself all week.  So I still am behind.  I have cleared my week next week and am hoping to be able to finally catch up with you guys! :)

This chaos has been taking it's toll.  I usually need some me time every day, some time with the Duke, some time with God, you get the picture.  Without being able to really do any of those for the past couple of weeks, I have been having a hard time.  A feeling of unbalance, loss of control, vulnerability, and so on have been happening.  But the great thing is, the more this has been happening, the more the Duke is turning into my rock.

While growing up, I was blamed for everything, didn't matter if I had anything to do with it or not, I was blamed.  On days I had done nothing wrong, my mother would make things up just to keep me looking bad with my dad.  So whenever anything goes wrong, my first response is to say I'm sorry.  Well the Duke has been working over the past two weeks of getting me to stop feeling guilty when this happens.  He'll grab my shoulders, look me directly in the eye, and flat out ask me how I had anything to do with the problem.

Also, he's been calling me out on putting myself down.  It hasn't been often, but the few times it has, he's been letting me know that what I'm saying isn't true and that he doesn't want me to say it.  Also, I tend to worry about asking the Duke do too much, that I'll annoy him.  Well my parents are coming to visit this week.  I was in the middle of another declutter (Bedroom, guestroom, 3/4 of livingroom EXACTLY how I want them, finally!) and then I found out they were coming, so I had two rooms I had piles I was going through that I needed to get done.  I did not have time to do it on my own, but was very reluctant to have the Duke help me.  I kept telling him I'd do it myself.  Well, it became clear I couldn't, and when I said so again, the Duke again grabbed me by the shoulders and gently asked why it was that I couldn't accept his help.

He's also become more possessive.  He's always held my hand when we're out, but now he holds it more firmly, and instead of me leading where we go, he has been.  And last night, he actually told me what he wanted to have for supper, which is very rare.  He's worried when I had a fever, made me lay down for the day when I was really sick, and took care of me.  I am also asking permission more often, and for his opinion, and really craving the feedback.  He in turn is acting more carefree and joking around way more.

This man that is emerging, is making me love him even more, and I didn't know that was possible.  I literally have been near tears a few times this week because I have never felt this much love.  And you will be glad to know, I have not earned a spanking since my last post almost two weeks ago! :)  Though, I have had my kindle taken from my hands when I stayed up too late one night, and a couple things like that.  But they too make me feel so loved and cared for.  Last year I didn't feel loved at all, and was begging myself to stay in our marriage, and now, I can't imagine a single day without him.  For all of you that had blogs this time last year for me to find, THANK YOU!  I don't know where I would be today if I hadn't found you all and been told about DD.

I hope all is going well with you, and when my parents leave on Tuesday, I really hope to catch up! :)  Oh, and what I wrote about my mom here, she has changed a lot, and all is forgiven, so this should be a good visit, like the rest have been in the past few years. :)

20 comments:

  1. So glad you guys are doing so well :)
    I love that little possessiveness of holding my hand tightly when we are out too.:)

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    1. Oh Elle, I had no idea it would be so wonderful. :) All the little things we learn as we go along. :)

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  2. It sounds like it has been both hard and good...practicing those little things. I hope this weekend gives both of you some down time and that next week isn't quite so nutty.

    Ooh...I have a hard time when MM takes my iPad out of my hands. :(

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    1. Susie, I sure hope for somepeace and quite this week too! :) You know, I wasn't sure if I should be upset or thankful when he took the kindle. lol But it wasn't easy to decide either. I wonder if they all tell each other these little secrets in control? ;)

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  3. EsMay,
    When you are quiet I can't help but worry about you. :)

    But I am so glad (and relieved) that you are doing well - even after all that other drama that was going on just a bit ago.

    I'm so glad that the Duke is taking such good care of you and also helping you to not take on guilt that is not yours. I'm so glad that he is also feeling so good about himself as a man and as a husband, and he's able to be more carefree and fun with you.

    And I'm really really glad that you are finally feeling totally loved and cherished. ♥

    It'll be good to catch up more with you next week - hope you have a great visit with your parents!
    hugs,
    Cali

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    1. Cali, you are so wonderful, thank you for caring so much. Yes, I am sorry to have been so busy and gone so long, and really hope that this will not be the norm for me anymore. :)

      And the visit with the parents is about half way through, they're going to stay a bit longer, and it's going well. :) Thank you. :)

      {{{HUGS}}}

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  4. Hey Es May...When you grow up as the target of the 'blame game', it's hard not to accept blame for everything...been there, done that! So happy that your Duke is helping to break that habit and taking such good care of you! Have a wonderful visit with your family.

    Blessings...
    Cat

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    1. Oh Cat, I wish you didn't have to know the hurt and guilt of the blame game. {{{HUGS}}} I hope that you have learned the same as I'm being taught, that we're not responsible for everything, nor close to even half, of everything that goes wrong around us. I hope you have a wonderful week. :)

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  5. I totally understand how hard it is to ask for help. I try to never ask H for help unless I am completely overwhelmed. The problem with waiting is that when I finally ask him, I'm completely frazzled and there's barely enough time to get things done even with his help.

    I hope you have a great time with your family!!

    Callie

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    1. Oh Callie, why is it so hard for us to ask for help? Man, I wish there was a class, course, or even a well written email that would explain a way to make it easier to say "I NEED HELP." lol

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  6. Es May, Thanks for the update! Great to hear you are feeling so much better about things. You keep right on listening to the Duke, because he knows just how special you are! Have a great weekend.

    Blessings,
    George

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    1. Thank you, George. And I will try to keep listening to the Duke, I promise. :) I hope you had a wonderful weekend as well. :)

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    1. Thank you, Belle. :) Hope you're having a good weekend. :)

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  8. Awe, Es May, I am grinning from ear to ear reading this. I am so happy to hear you are feeling so loved and cherished. Glad too that Duke is helping you to stop taking the blame for things and feeling guilty. He is taking such wonderful care of you :) I love those little possessive things like holding hands tightly too.

    I'm glad to hear you have resolved things with your Mom and hope you have an enjoyable visit.

    Hugs,
    Roz

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    1. Thank you, Roz. Though I have to admit, grinning from ear to ear actually sounds quite painful. ;) He is taking care of me, and becoming more possessive, even more so since reading this post. lol

      And the visit is going well so far, and they are extending their stay a little bit, so that is good that it is going well. :) {{{HUGS}}}

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  9. This was such a great post to read. I'm so glad that you turned to blogland a year ago! I know that feeling of the deep love bringing you to tears, it's such an overwhelming, amazing and slightly scary feeling all wrapped up. You deserve to be cherished and loved. I'm glad you two are doing so well.
    Hugs
    Kim

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    1. Oh Kim, I'm not sure I could have said it any better. When you're so used to not being loved, realizing you have value actually can hurt, and be overwhelming, scary, and amazing. I'm learning to over come the bad feelings on it all, and embrace the good ones. :) {{{HUGS}}}

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  10. I too am glad you're here!!! This is truly a lovely post. So many good things! Duke not allowing you to put yourself down. Duke making it clear he is willing to help you. You feeling loved. Knowing you have repaired the relationship with your mom. Just to name a few.

    Enjoy their visit!! Hugs!!!

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    1. Thank you, Sarah. I really hated being away, and it's good getting back to blogland, and all you wonderful people. :) And yes, so many good things. I tend to find it hard to notice the good, and am glad that that seems to be changing for me. Or at least I hope it is, and that I keep taking in more of the good. :) {{{HUGS}}}

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