I'm still here, but have been a horrible blogger. I have not had two minutes to myself all week. So I still am behind. I have cleared my week next week and am hoping to be able to finally catch up with you guys! :)
This chaos has been taking it's toll. I usually need some me time every day, some time with the Duke, some time with God, you get the picture. Without being able to really do any of those for the past couple of weeks, I have been having a hard time. A feeling of unbalance, loss of control, vulnerability, and so on have been happening. But the great thing is, the more this has been happening, the more the Duke is turning into my rock.
While growing up, I was blamed for everything, didn't matter if I had anything to do with it or not, I was blamed. On days I had done nothing wrong, my mother would make things up just to keep me looking bad with my dad. So whenever anything goes wrong, my first response is to say I'm sorry. Well the Duke has been working over the past two weeks of getting me to stop feeling guilty when this happens. He'll grab my shoulders, look me directly in the eye, and flat out ask me how I had anything to do with the problem.
Also, he's been calling me out on putting myself down. It hasn't been often, but the few times it has, he's been letting me know that what I'm saying isn't true and that he doesn't want me to say it. Also, I tend to worry about asking the Duke do too much, that I'll annoy him. Well my parents are coming to visit this week. I was in the middle of another declutter (Bedroom, guestroom, 3/4 of livingroom EXACTLY how I want them, finally!) and then I found out they were coming, so I had two rooms I had piles I was going through that I needed to get done. I did not have time to do it on my own, but was very reluctant to have the Duke help me. I kept telling him I'd do it myself. Well, it became clear I couldn't, and when I said so again, the Duke again grabbed me by the shoulders and gently asked why it was that I couldn't accept his help.
He's also become more possessive. He's always held my hand when we're out, but now he holds it more firmly, and instead of me leading where we go, he has been. And last night, he actually told me what he wanted to have for supper, which is very rare. He's worried when I had a fever, made me lay down for the day when I was really sick, and took care of me. I am also asking permission more often, and for his opinion, and really craving the feedback. He in turn is acting more carefree and joking around way more.
This man that is emerging, is making me love him even more, and I didn't know that was possible. I literally have been near tears a few times this week because I have never felt this much love. And you will be glad to know, I have not earned a spanking since my last post almost two weeks ago! :) Though, I have had my kindle taken from my hands when I stayed up too late one night, and a couple things like that. But they too make me feel so loved and cared for. Last year I didn't feel loved at all, and was begging myself to stay in our marriage, and now, I can't imagine a single day without him. For all of you that had blogs this time last year for me to find, THANK YOU! I don't know where I would be today if I hadn't found you all and been told about DD.
I hope all is going well with you, and when my parents leave on Tuesday, I really hope to catch up! :) Oh, and what I wrote about my mom here, she has changed a lot, and all is forgiven, so this should be a good visit, like the rest have been in the past few years. :)