Right now I am sitting on a bruised behind. If you remember correctly, you'll know I don't easily bruise, so you'll sadly know how bad this spanking was. I disrespected the Duke. I know... I already feel horrible, so no worries that I didn't learn my lesson.
Last night we did maintenance. I was away for the weekend to a ladies retreat, and on Saturday evening when I got back, I was just plain too tired for him to do it and begged him, with paddle already in his hand, to please do it another night. Well, by last night, I was off kilter, I already was from the emotionally over charged retreat... hmmm why is it call retreat when you go to grow and learn and push yourself? Anyway... so he spanked me, but with no talking. Literally, up and over his lap and paddled.
I needed talking, I needed something, we hadn't connected for a few days before I left really, and really hadn't after I had gotten back. I just was not in the headspace to take a spanking. So, I ragged on him for not talking to me, and trying to make me submit to a spanking when I felt there was no real connection between us. Ugh, I know! It wasn't as bad as it would have been when we started, not as bad by far, but still more disrespect than I should ever show him.
He lost all confidence... YIKES. :( I hated that, so we talked, and talked, and talked. And then, I got paddled harder than I ever thought possible. I never understood when it was said that within three strikes your bottom could literally be on fire, well let me tell you, I SO UNDERSTAND NOW!!! I'm not sure I made it to three before the fire was burning so hot I didn't know how I'd stand it. Another 20-40 or so rained down on my bottom and I could NOT hold my position, something I've been doing really well at lately. I was so upset with myself for that.
We talked and cuddled, but some things are still off today, and that really bothers me. He is such a great guy, and I went and made him question himself. I'm hoping and praying we can get back to the rhythm we had going just two weeks ago, maybe even better, but I'd settle for what it was.
So now to see how we can get back... I think I need to catch up on some rest before I can get back to my happy, submissive self again. Too many late nights from everything being so busy. And here I am again, an hour late to bed... but I had to write... ok, I guess it could have waited, but I feel so... unsettled and had to get this out.
This post may not make much sense, sorry, I really am that tired, so if it doesn't, just disregard all I said and chalk it up to "EsMay's crazy". I hope you all have a good night. I better hit they hay.