UNDER CONSTRUCTION

We had to take down all our posts for a while. We did not realize that to put them back up would repost them in everyone's feeds. We apologize for that. We also will do our best, as life allows, to get the rest of the posts up as soon as possible. :)

Sincerely, The Duke and EsMay

Thursday, September 05, 2013

Is This Normal?

I have a weird question... and no one out there has to admit if you're in the same boat as me or not... but thought I'd put it out there in case anyone was willing to share.

As DD progresses, I find I'm dealing with issues I never knew I had to deal with.

I have a complex all the sudden, I wouldn't call it a father complex... but that is probably the closest thing I can think of.  I was never cared for as a child.  I was the eldest of four children with a bed ridden {by choice} mother and a work-a-holic father.  I was always taking care of everyone else, I literally raised my younger siblings in so many ways that I shouldn't have had to.  I love my dad, love him to pieces, but he is very passive, and never did he believe me to rescue me from my very abusive mother.  He believes me now... but it wasn't until my mid 20's that it clicked in his brain all that wasn't right when we were kids.

The whole time I was growing up, I never felt cared for.  Now that the Duke is stepping up, I just feel this yearning building inside of me for more, a craving I never knew I had.  I feel cared for now, I feel important, I feel like he'll step up and protect me from the dangers out there.

So all the sudden, I have moments where I feel a lot younger.  I don't think I feel like a child in these moments, but not having a childhood, I can't say for sure.  But all the sudden I feel a lot younger than my 35 years at times.  I cuddle into his chest almost like a child would and just desperately want him to hold and cradle me.  I have this need to feel cared for and protected.  I grin like a love sick teenager when I know I get to see him again.  I crave his guidance and almost am tempted to push the limits like a teenager would, but I don't... well usually. ;)  There are times my voice even softens.  I swear, anyone watching would groan.

Yet at other times I feel my age, I feel my maturity, and wonder why those moments happen.  I don't feel bad when they do, and I don't feel stupid or anything, but they do surprise me.  Well I guess at first I felt stupid by these moments, but the Duke likes the innocence and submissiveness that this fosters, and likes how much I depend on him in these moments, so he helped chase my fears away.  I do feel all this is because I never had anyone take this role in my life to actually take care of me, but I could be totally off too. 

So I guess, I'm just wondering... does this happen to others as well?  Or am I in more need or therapy than ever?  lol  Btw, I have healed from my past, God has been very good to me that way.  I only wrote it down to show how being cared for is so very foreign to me.  I have to admit, now that I know what it's like, I'm not sure I could ever give it up again.

PS  Haven't gotten to blogs in a few days, but aim to this weekend.  Totally swamped this week, but did want to get this post out while it was going through my head.

29 comments:

  1. It is perfectly normal. Especially for those of us who have been deprived of that kind of love and attention as young girls. Sometimes it's really scary, but other times, it is such a relief..

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    1. Thank you, Dana, I really do feel it's from the lack of love as a child... and explained it as so to the Duke a few weeks ago, but it's good to hear thinking along those lines from soemone else. :)

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  2. NORMAL??? Who in their right mind wants to be NORMAL???!

    Well I wasn't deprived to that degree as a child, but I will tell you what I believe you are experiencing at this time is vulnerability. You are completely open to your husband and letting out the part of you that all of us have been taught by society in one way or another to supress. WHY is there anything wrong with wanting to curl into your husband's chest? To feel the strength of your love, and let it foster?

    I personally believe the first part of what your wrote is what 'normal' , vanilla whatever you want to call it, relationships are supposed to be about. The desire to FEEL the other person's strength. Not only take comfort in it but bask in it. Whether the strength is from a TiH or the strength is gathered by an HOH from the trust of a TiH...or whether you are 'merely' two madly in love people on a sofa together.

    Well the testing part...LOL...I think maybe that might be a tad exclusive to our dynamic, but then again, probably not either. In a non ttwd relationship people 'test' each other in ways that may or may not get resolved or show results..

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    1. Okay, so I'll admit Willie that I tell all my friends that normal is flat out boring, and that is why I have no normal friends. ;) You are probably right, I have noticed I have become very vulnerable lately, and thankfully, he is fostering and protecting that more than I ever dreamed.

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  3. Well don't know about normal but I definitely feel like that often. I feel needy..I need/crave his touch and protection...way more than ever. I think it is a result of the state of vulnerability we as dd wives are in due to our major trust we give in our submission...enjoy it! :)

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    1. Thank you, Cole. :) We do have to hand over a lot of trust, don't we? :) I feel the same as you, craving his touch and protection, I promise to enjoy it.

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  4. I think what your feeling is very normal. My parents loved me, provided the normal family life for me but never showed me affection or never really disciplined me. I was usually allowed to do what I wanted. I crave the protection that the discipline my H gives me. It makes me feel so loved and safe. I crave the reconnection spankings because that also makes me feel very loved and safe.

    I think everything you feel is very normal and you are very lucky. You know what makes you feel very loved, protected and cherished and the Duke is so happy to provide it for you, for the both of you!
    Hugs,
    Kim

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    1. Kim, I never thought of that, and what a beautiful way to put it. I know what makes me feel loved, protected and cherished. That in and of itself is HUGE. :) And the more I know that, the more I can share with the Duke, and the more he has been able to provide that. :) Thank you for showing me that. :) {{{HUGS}}}

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  5. Es May, very interesting and candid record. Thanks for that.

    I do not live in DD, but TTWD without discipline factor. So my opinion is maybe from someone outside.

    Es May .. I think that if you're lucky, ignore what's what.

    If you want an answer to your question, yes. I definitely think that the lack of these things in childhood leaves a hold of us to be filled somehow.
    Many people from the outside world would say, practicing Dd at all indicate a desire for a father figure and discipline. Consciously or unconsciously.

    Hugs,
    Mona Lisa.

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    1. You know, Mona Lisa, that is so true, and I shared your thoughts with the Duke, and he agreed as well. Some really would say that practicing DD at all is for a father fix, and that helps me relax even more. I need this... and having you all here and helping me be open about it makes me feel free and happy. Not being able to talk to people in real life makes me uncertain at times. You're all so great. :) {{{HUGS}}}

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  6. Oh, very normal indeed.

    Funny, we are the same age, BTW. :)

    I, too, am mature and responsible but at times want to be treated like Jason's special girl. He even calls me his sweet baby girl. I love, love, LOVE when he does things like brush my hair and tuck me in at night. I need to be held by him constantly. The flip side is, it is heartwrenching to me when I've done something wrong and I need to be disciplined for it. A stern word or correction hits me so hard.

    Letting our walls down is very difficult...

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    1. Jason Girl, that is cool. :) I hated turning 35, augh, was the first birthday I dreaded. LOL But I digress. ;)

      The Duke can't brush my hair because it's too curly, and I already cry brushing it on my own, lol, but he does braid it for me at times once it's brushed, and I love that. :) And I'm with you, there is nothing like being tucked in... sigh. lol. And I'm finding I'm the same way with discipline, I have not broken many rules lately, but the ones I have, I feel really bad for hurting or disappointing him.

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  7. Hi Es May,

    Well, if you are in need of therapy so am I LoL. I was blessed to have a childhood feeling nurtured, loved and cared for and I feel the same as you. I crave his love and protection and to feel cared for and he loves it when I am this way. As the others said, I think it is a combination of the vulnerability that comes with ttwd and feeling safe.

    I love this. Very sweet :)

    Hugs,
    Roz

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    1. Well, Roz, maybe we can get a discounted group rate and all get therapy together. lol Oih, imagine the poor therapist if we all showed up. LOL

      I am with you, just craving the love and protection. The protection alone, especially from myself, makes me feel loved, special, and worth while. :)

      Thank you, I am glad you liked this. {{{HUGS}}}

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  8. Hi Es May,

    I was emotionally abused by my mother growing up and my father wasn't around. My mother made me hate him and sometimes I wonder if that's why he didn't come around. (i never acted happy to see him and I usually acted difficult). I didn't feel cared for as a child either.

    I've never experienced those feelings that you are having now ( with the Duke) but I do know that I have been craving that feeling for most of my life. I'm glad that you wrote about this because otherwise I don't think that I would have been able to say it out loud and admit it to someone else. I always felt that there was something with me for craving that.

    I'm happy for you that you are experiencing this.

    hugs, saturn
    sorry this is so long

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    1. Edit. ***. There was something wrong with me for craving that.

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    2. Oh, saturn, I am happy to say that after reading all these posts, there is NOTHING wrong with you or me. :) It is alright to crave what we crave, especially if it doesn't hurt anyone else. And the great thing is, there are men out there to fill these needs of ours. Even if they don't start out that way, once they find out and try this lifestyle, they really crave it themselves. I am so honoured that you shared your longing with me. {{{HUGS}}} And your comment was not too long, never too long. :) I feel honoured and blessed with every comment. :)

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  9. I don't know quite how to say this without sounding contradictory, but I think that there can be times in the same relationship when the (almost) parent child dynamic is a positive thing and times when it can misplaced.

    The positive occasions are those, like the ones you describe in your post, on which the feeling is something which adds to your connection, security and general feelings of being greatly loved and cared for. Anything which has that effect is, in my opinion, something which has a constructive and helpful place in the relationship.

    The occasions on which it seems, for some people at least, to be less positive, is when couples become so obsessed with a 'system' of multiple rules and consequences, some of them not necessary or relevant to their own relationships, that common sense and adulthood takes a back burner and, instead of helping his adult other half develop more personal responsibility and better habits, the HoH ends up running her life and treating her as if she has the lesser developed intellect and understanding of a child and cannot be trusted to make mature decisions or take care of anything herself.

    I think it is sometimes this misguided and often unintended treatment that is inclined to make people forget that DD was originally a consensual agreement between two competent adults and which can engender feelings in the TIH that are akin to teenagers rebelling against his/her parents. As with young adults, this is not so much because they are being instructed to do or not do something, but more because there has been no adjustment from the way in which they were told as children and no acknowledgement of the fact that reasons and explanation can make a great deal of difference to how such instruction is received and dealt with.

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    1. I agree, I would hate to be micromananged like that, but thankfully the Duke very much treats me like an adult, while at the same time, fostering that vulnerability in me that makes me feel younger, but it's because I seem more happy, more safe. He still asks my permission to go and hang out with friends, which I find funny, and she still makes sure it won't bother me if he does this or that. He's learning to not ask permission as much, and instead asking to make sure I haven't planned something instead. It's helping solidify our roles. :) I have no worry he'll ever treat me like a child in a way I don't want. He's very good at making sure I feel loved and freedom to share in every decision we make. :)

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  10. If I had a dollar for every time I asked myself "Is this normal" LOL, I think you sounds very happy and content, and I do think you're totally normal. Maybe you're feeling vulnerable and, I think it's hard to let go and fully depend on someone, when everyone in your past has let you down. I think you're doing an amazing job!

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    1. Thank you, Jennelle. LOL I asked that question a lot in the beginning too, if this was normal, I do it less now, but still have it pop up from time to time like now. ;) It is hard to fully let go... but I am working on it. :)

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  11. Hi Es May,

    At the risk of sounding like a male chauvanist, I will add my perspective to the mix. Never say never or always, because there are exceptions to any condition. However, the majority of women have a desire to be taken care of by a man, and the majority of men want a woman to take care of.

    When a man is able to care for a woman it feels as though the universe is aligned, and I suspect the same can be said for a TIH woman.

    I know that you are Christian, so I don't need to tell you how Jesus told us that husbands should care for their wives like Christ cared for the Church. Sometimes that part is overlooked and I think DL's comment was very sound. However, as long as we are respectful and loving, we each can experience "that lovin feeling", be it as a care giver or receipient.

    Glad you are in a good place and I wish you many blessings.

    George

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    1. George, you almost made me cry. I know I long to be cared for, and know a lot of men long to care for a woman, but sometimes I still find it hard to believe the Duke may want this. He's showing more and more though that he does. I do think it isn't a role he wanted at first, but now he really seems to be liking the connection and how I'm respecting him more. :) Thank you. :)

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  12. Hello, I'm usually a lurker but I'm writing because I have the exact same feelings with my SO. I too am the oldest of 4 and took care of them and had a lot (too much) responsibility at a young age. I think it definitely has shaped my needs and desires, just like you.
    I love the feeling I get with my Sir and I think it is perfectly normal.
    Hugs,
    Liz

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    1. Hi Elizabeth T.! :) I LOVE meeting my lurkers, even if only through one comment. :) That is funny that we had such similar back grounds. {{{HUGS}}} Thank you for sharing and helping me feel more normal. :) I'm sure you feel the same as me, or something similar in the need to let go and not be in charge anymore after having been your whole life then? I know I do, and having this lifestyle has helped me so much. I would love to hear from you again, but if this is your only time, thank you for sharing, Liz, it really means a lot. :) {{{HUGS}}}

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  13. YES, it's all very normal! As we progress down this path we learn to let go and our inner 'stuff' comes loose. We let down walls and in that process the issues we have been hiding from ourselves that have effected our relationships for most of our lives without our knowing become apparent. But seeing is knowing and then you can deal with those issues, whatever they are. They have always been there. We are ALL products of our growing up years with some scars and sensitive spots to show for it. That will mean for each of us our needs and triggers will vary a bit and our marriages will do better if we understand our personal needs, how they came to be and what we can do to resolve them, quiet them, or fulfill them. To me this says you're growing and unfolding and developing. It's all good! Not easy...but good!

    Sara

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    1. It is true, we are all a product of how we grew up, no matter how much we do to fight it. It helps shape our insecurities and our strengths. Thank you, Sara, for reminding me of that. I read your comment earlier, and have done some thinking, and I do think that this is one need I have that I don't need to quiet, but can have fulfilled in a healthy way. Everyone's beautiful comments, yours included, have made me see this. :) Thank you. You're right, not easy, but OH SO good. :)

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  14. First I wanted to say I love the new look on your blog! I have been gone months due to various things so I am just now trying to catch up with things. It is great to see you are in such a good place.

    I had wondered that myself actually and figured it was due to growing up too fast and not getting to really be a kid. It is nice to know, based on other comments, that those with happy childhoods feel similarly and there isn't anything wrong with me lol. I think my past does have an impact on my relationship and maybe it takes that feeling to a slightly different level but maybe not. Either way it is good to know I'm not alone in these feelings. :)

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    1. Oh, Mischief, isn't it freeing to know we are not alone? :) The more I've thought over these comments, the more I realize, good and supported childhood or not, we women want to be protected, and if that's something we need or want, it's probably always going to be there. :) I mean, twenty years into this, I'll probably still crave it as much as a woman who has never had it. Makes me feel much more normal thanks to everyone's comments. I couldn't have reached this realization without them. :) And thank you about the blog... I keep changing the background, the part that looks like chocolate at the moment... someday I'll get it to look right. lol And welcome back, it's SOOO good to see you! :) {{{HUGS}}}

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Please feel free to leave any comments, but I do ask you to be kind. We go into this with eyes wide open after months of prayer, and a peace in our hearts that this is the right choice before God for our marriage. I am open to questions from those who wonder why we made this choice, but I would ask for no personal attacks. Thank you. :)

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