UNDER CONSTRUCTION

We had to take down all our posts for a while. We did not realize that to put them back up would repost them in everyone's feeds. We apologize for that. We also will do our best, as life allows, to get the rest of the posts up as soon as possible. :)

Sincerely, The Duke and EsMay

Tuesday, June 25, 2013

Domestic Discipline Blessed Me AND Our Marriage

I have spent the week processing, and I'm sorry that I haven't written.  I know many felt attacked by the article that came out last week, which is now being reported by dozens of news sources.  I hate that we all have felt violated and threatened.  At the same time, I am so proud of the fact that a community that is wounded and some a bit frightened have rallied behind Jim and Christina so beautifully.  There is so much love here.  I am so thankful for this community.  I have been since I found you, and still am.

I won't lie, part of what kept me silent this week was the sudden rush in traffic on my site.  Like four thousand hits in a couple of days.  I thought that happened for everyone, but when I mentioned it to a few of you, you had no influx of visitors.  I couldn't figure out why.  So on Sunday I looked up my traffic reports.  A huge chunk of them came from the LDD site.  I just could not figure out why.  So I looked.  I had been linked in a post of theirs just before the articles came out... so I'm guessing that is how my numbers went so high.

I don't know why I didn't get bad comments, but after hearing what some got, I am thankful.  To those of you that received mean comments, I am so sorry.  You are so special, so loved.  You do not deserve their scorn or judgement.  We are all behind you.  We know the truth about you, and are sorry their lies and confusion was so blind and hateful. :(

I won't lie, it freaked me out that my numbers were going high, and others weren't.  But the next day I made a decision.  I don't care what they think.  I did, I really let it bother me this week, that article nonsense.  But not anymore.  I hope it's okay to share why. 

Before DD I cried myself to sleep so many times.  I felt so unloved.  The Duke never noticed anything I did, and never seemed to care about me.  Yes, he loved me, but he never showed it to me.  I was literally dying inside.  I was desperate, I started looking online on ways to save my marriage.  I just wanted the Duke to step up, take over some, relieve me of some of the burdens I was carrying.  Essentially, I wanted him to take his role of head of our house.  When looking up info on how to do this, I found Domestic Discipline. 

My heart started yearning.  Not only was there a lifestyle out there I could learn from that might help guide the Duke into stepping up, but it also was a lifestyle that would help us learn to take my control, and give him control.  Better yet, here was a lifestyle that also had ways to help me become a better person, help me learn boundaries as I'd never had any before, a lifestyle that would help me learn to control my temper, and best of all, a way to let go of guilt.  I carried around guilt so much, and having a temper that made me regret everything I would say and do did not help.

It took MONTHS to show the Duke I was serious about this.  He is shy, and passive, this took some talk. Domestic Discipline is not about punishments.  It's about helping those of us that need it finding a structure base to live in.  I needed to start having consequences.  I was self destructing with nothing to stop me.  I was getting unhealthy, I was getting depressed, I was getting a low self esteem, I was getting angry, I was not dealing with the grief of losing my son in a healthy way.  I wanted to lash out at the world.

This is what DD has done for me.

I now keep my house in order.  This has become a rule in my home.  For the Duke?  Not a chance.  He does not care one iota what the house looks like, and he never did.  Why then the rule?  Because clutter stresses me out.  Hearing people outside my door REALLY stressed me out that they may want to come in, and then they'd see the mess.  The Duke hates seeing me stressed.  He likes seeing me happy.  So the clean house is so that when I sit down, I can relax, and not be looking out of the corner of my eye at all that needs to be done, and stressing about not ever being able to catch up.  It now takes me 20 minutes twice a week to clean up my house.  That's it.

I now exercise and eat better.  Not to deprive me, and make me lose weight, but because I wasn't feeling well.  This one was the hardest to ask the Duke to enforce, he loves me the way I am, the size I am.  He does not believe I need to change.  I however do.  When he started to see that I was feeling better with this rule being enforced, it became a rule that would stay.  I no longer have as bad of headaches, I have more energy, I'm sick less days.

I now look at myself and can smile at myself.  One reason is that I have only had one blow up in months.  One.  And even then it wasn't bad.  Why?  Because the Duke knows when to cut me off now. He knows that line I cross where it's okay to share my opinion, and when I start to get angry and can't stop.  I still get to share my opinion, but he reminds me to calm down, take a breath, not to let the anger over rule me.  This has saved me from so much guilt.  I don't have to apologize to him for raking him over the coals, for swearing, stomping about the house, and I don't have to apologize to God for railing at Him as well, as that is where I would go once I was done with the Duke.  It is so great to not have to carry that burden around.

I can also look at myself and smile because the Duke does not allow me to self bash either.  I am no longer allowed to tell myself I am worthless, that I don't matter, that I'm ugly.  I am not allowed to have pity parties that lead to dark moods and depression.  If they threaten to come, the Duke is there, to love me, praise me, and show me how much he loves me.

EVERY single rule I have is for me.  It took me a while to see that.  But it's true.  Not one of those rules are a selfish one made by the Duke.  Even my bedtime rule is because if I don't get enough sleep, I am useless the next day with a major migraine, sometimes so bad all I can do is sit in the quiet, with tears running down my face.  He HATES to see me in pain.

DD is done out of love.  It's done out of respect.  Yes, sometimes I get spanked, but you know what?  If I get to the point I need a spanking, I also need to a good cry.  A spanking helps me cry, it helps me let go of all I'm holding on to.  It helps erase the guilt, it helps me know I've dealt with my mistake and can move on without having to worry about it anymore.  Spanking frees me.  You think I'm crazy?  I smile after EVERY spanking.  Not always right away, sometimes it can take ten minutes.  Never longer.  The Duke always pulls me to him right away and holds me and comforts me and lets me know how much he loves me, tells me to let it all out, and that he is there for me.  And then I smile.  Because all the garbage I was feeling is gone.  I cried it out.  No more baggage, I'm freed.  And I have my best friend there, supporting me.

I can't go back to how our life was before.  I can't.

Before, my husband never touched me, he never talked to me, he lived in his own little world.  We shared a bed, we shared a home, but that was it.

Now he LOVES to be with me.  He can't wait to talk to me each day.  We spend hours sometimes just talking.  He can't keep his hands off of me.  He's always wrapping his arms around me, holding my hand, putting his hand on my knee when I'm driving.  He asks more about what I think.  He checks in more to make sure I'm doing okay.  He asks more what he can do to make sure I'm doing okay.  He takes over more things when my daily headaches are harder to bear.  He's more ready and willing to help me with chores around the house and to run errands.  He steps in to protect me now.  He stands up when friends try to take up too much of his time now and tells them he needs more time with me.  We joke around way more, and tease each other.  We now do nightly devotions together and pray together more often.  I have not felt this loved, ever.  This is better than when we were dating.

I can't go back to how our life was before.  I can't.

DD is one of the best gifts God has brought to my marriage.  I am so happy now.  I feel freer than I have ever been.  I feel more loved.  I feel special.  I feel important.

Anyone that wishes to judge me can.  I've realized I just don't care. :)  I'm happy.  The Duke is happy.  That, I do care about.  That is what matters.  That article made me feel dirty.  But HOW can I feel dirty about something that has brought so much love, joy and peace?  Shame on the author for trying to destroy something so beautiful.  Shame on her.

To all you fellow DDers out there, whether you write blogs or just lurk, I am so proud to belong to this group of WONDERFUL people.  It is so rare to see love given so freely as it is here.  This community means so much to me.  Had you not been here, I would have never known.  I might still be crying myself to sleep every night, fighting for a way to survive.

I know some of you are taking your blogs down, some going private, and some taking theirs off of being able to be searched for.  I really feel that you are right in doing so.  Each person is different, and we all need different things, especially if you feel threatened at all.  Always listen to that voice if it tells you to pull back.  I thought about each of those for the Duke and I, and wondered which I/we should choose for us.  After some long thoughts, and as long as the Duke stays okay with it, I'm not changing anything for now.  I want to still be here for others to find who may need DD as much as I did.  That may change as our life changes, or if kids come into the picture, but for now, I feel peace about this decision.  I hope it is okay to ask those of you that go private to send me an invite. :)  I really still want to stay in contact because you have come to mean so much to me, and I have learned so much from you guys. :)  I love you guys. :)

38 comments:

  1. I love this post!! We are two months into this thing and I already see huge changes in our marriage, we are like newlyweds again!! I'm glad you're not going anywhere and are standing proud. I respect Clint and Chelsea for coming out so to speak even though I wish we weren't getting so much attention. Even my humble little blog has received quite a few hits although no negative comments. This will die down as soon as the media finds a new thing to chew up and spit out, we just need to stay strong. Tara

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    1. Thank you, Tara. :) It is like being newlyweds again. I totally agree. :) And I do feel the same. I feel that this will all be forgotten in a couple of weeks, and we can go back to our own little bubble. :) I hope so anyway, especially for those who have been hurt.

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  2. Oh EsMay, this was so wonderful to read. Out of the darkness comes a light. You may have had the initial reaction that you were 'wrong' but how can trying to better your marriage be wrong? You found a way that in the past few decades hasn't been the 'norm' but you BOTH use it as a tool in your marriage.

    The light is you rising to your feet and not only defending your choices, but believing the words you write. This incident has given you the clarity you needed- to see everything that has gone right. No need to pan for little nuggets of gold, the bars are right there in front of you. You are so rich.

    I am so very happy for you!

    love, willie

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    1. As I already told you... this almost brought tears to my eyes. I am rich, I have gained so much. I like that, not looking for nuggets, I've got the bars starting me straight in the face. :) And I do believe these words, and am amazed at them. I never thought I'd reach this place. I still have wants, but I am in such a better place now, that if they don't happen, I'll still be okay. We'll still be okay. :)

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  3. Such a beautiful post EsMay - it's a testimonial of what brings so many to this corner of blogland, and the wonderful changes that are experienced in our/their marriages.

    Yours was the first blog that I was drawn to and that I started following; and you were the first person that I felt comfortable reaching out to with questions. Thankfully, you were (and still are) so kind, open and supportive.

    Our community is so important. There are still a lot of lonely unhappy people out there just searching for something that will breathe life into their relationships. Like you said, where would we be if we didn't come across this wonderful group of people; so it's important that those of us who can remain here stay and be of help to each other and to any newcomers that come along.

    I love you and loved reading again about all that dd has brought into your marriage with the Duke.

    ♥ Cali

    I have to say that I understand & sympathize with our friends who've had to step away for awhile. But I'm hopeful that they will all return to us soon. :)

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    1. It still amazes me that my blog helped lure you in. :) I feel so unequipped, but it still means a lot to me. :) I hope I'm always kind, open and supportive. If I ever change, please, honestly, smack me. My friends here where I live have been asked to do the same. :)

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  4. Beautiful post Es May. So much of what you said is exactly how I feel about DD and what it has done for mine and my hobby's relationship.

    Hugs to you,
    Tricia

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    1. It is so great to meet up with people that feel the same as you about things, isn't it? :) So glad to see you again. :)

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  5. This is a lovely post Es May! It is a tribute to what hard work and new perspectives can bring to a marriage. It resonates very much with how my husband and my lives have changed together.

    I'm sorry, I didn't know till yesterday that you had been linked to. It is all very frustrating. Hang in there.

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    1. I wasn't linked in the article, I just happened to be linked on the LDD blog post they had just before the article came out. So I'm guessing when people went to LDD, and saw my link on there post, they came to my blog next.

      I am so glad that you guys have had a wonderful growing marriage too. :) It can be hard work, and worth every single minute. :)

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  6. Oh Es May, this is such a wonderful post. This is such a wonderful reflection on why you wanted to introduce this lifestyle and the positive changes it has made both for your personally and your relationship.

    Hugs,
    Roz

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    1. Thank you. That is the great thing about DD, it doesn't have to be cookie cutter. And we're all making it the best it can be for us. :) One article can't form us all together, we're so beautifully unique. :)

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  7. Awesome post. so many of us have been blessed by this lifestyle. I also am proud to be a member of this community.

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    1. Cole, we are so glad to have you here with us as well. :)

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  8. Wonderful post. Very happy you have found such peace in your chosen lifestyle.

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    1. Thank you, sunnygirl. We have truly been blessed.

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  9. That was awesome, thank you!!! Your pre-DD descriptions really describe my husband and I well. It takes an awful lot to get me angry though. I just overreact and cry and pout for a week. Hoping someday we can move towards more like what you've got now.

    I hadn't paid attention to the numbers on my site until yesterday. It had a massive surge the last week and a half and adds up to about half of the all-time traffic. Not that it's much, just odd. It's not because it got interesting, actually should have chased people away! No DD or anything. My visitors are coming from a few other blogs. I guess people are just wandering from their blogroll maybe? Dunno... it's just weird.

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    1. I am so with you on the slow to get angry. I don't get angry often, but when I do though, DUCK!!! LOL I will be hoping for you too to be able to make the steps you want to in your marriage. It can be rough, and at times the road looks like it's hit a dead end. But it hasn't. You just have to crawl through the foot of brush to see how close you really are to moving forward. :) It is SOOOO worth it. :)

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  10. Wonderful post. I love to read about your growth and to see how far you have come, how far your relationship has come. Amazing!

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    1. Thank you, Sarah. :) I have been going back over older posts to make sure I didn't put in too much personal info, just in case. I'm glad I blogged about it, I forgot about how many things we've grown in. :)

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  11. This is an awesome post.

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    1. Coslady, thank you. :) Welcome to our blog. I hope to see you around. :)

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  12. Es May, what a wondeful post! Your passion comes through loud and clear! I agree this is the most caring and loving community I have ever had the privilege of being associated with.

    Blessings,

    George

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    1. Thank you, George. I just realized, I can't let bullies decide what happens in my marriage. It is one amazing place to be. Everyone feels so welcome here, well those that want to actually be here, and not harass. :)

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  13. Add me to the list as another one who can't go back....

    Love this post....

    Hugs....

    Lucy

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    1. Lucy, it is so wonderful to hear you say that. We can't go back, and that's great. :)

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  14. This post is beautiful. I agree with so much of what you said and all the benefits DD has brought to my marriage of 18 years. We were 2 people sharing a house raising kids but NOW It is better than we were dating too. We have talked, laughed, shared, and touched more since October when we started tttwd. I have learned so much from everyone's blog that he said I could start one of my own finally. This community is amazing. I dont know where our lives would be had we not found this.

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    1. Gigi, well welcome to blogland then. :) :) It is a great place to share, and get encouragement. I can't wait to read your blog. I'll try to find it tonight.:) It is amazing how DD can change a marriage around, isn't it? It just, brings out so much beauty.:)

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    2. I havent had a chance to start it yet my littlest hast been sick and now I am too. So really going to try for next week when we are back from vacation

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  15. Es May, I couldn't help but tear up reading this post so many of the things you said resonate with me. Our marriage was good before we started, but I kept feeling like there had to be more. I wanted him to WANT to be with me. DD, TTWD, DH or whatever anyone wants to call it is truly a gift from God for us, I don't know that it is for everybody, but the rewards for us are amazing it has taken us 2 earlier attempts at ttwd (a year ago) and 7-9 months of me working on me, its funny but when I started working on myself and my respect for him, he eventually brought ttwd back up and that is where we are now, and I couldn't be happier. Thank you for this post, it shows the wonderful side of ttwd.

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    1. I am so glad that DD has been such a gift to you guys. :) I feel like we have had some false starts too. But I honestly think those can be good as well because it gives you time to get used to the idea, see what worked, see what you need to give more of a chance. :) I am glad it is blessing you both. I too do not believe DD is for everyone. In fact I'd be surprised if it was for half the couples out there, but it is such a blessing in the marriages it works in. :) I am glad you liked the post, thank you. :)

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  16. what a wonderful post i use to cry quietly in bed with him there he didn't know!

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    1. It is amazing how much we are able to keep from them... isn't it? I find with DD, it's so much harder to hide things... and probably our marriage is all the better for that as well. {{{HUGS}}} I hope things are going much better for you now. :)

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  17. Es May this is an amazing and wonderful story. It brought tears to my eyes because some of what you wrote mirrored my own marriage and feelings. I Won't go back either! I am very happy for you both!

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    1. Thank you, and I am sorry that I brought you to tears, even though I'm sure they are good ones. :)

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  18. Hello EsMay, wow :) ! This is an incredibly lovely post . I only wished I would have read it before. What you wrote sums up so much of what dd is about, I simply love it. The situation about hubby and me has been a bit different from the start, because without dd he probably/definitely would not have married me (I was a mess). But much of what you wrote about came up for us too, and we also see dd as one of the most important things in our marriage, because it helped us endlessly. I absolutely loved that you wrote how you could not go back to your old life, without dd, because I feel exactly the same. It would have so many negative consequences and destroy so many positive things that it has created between hubby and I. Well, you wrote it all down, it was almost like a check-list of all the positive aspects of dd and the lovely results that it brings for a relationship. (show more love openly – check; communicate more than ever – check; connect deeper than ever-check, …) I love that post, and it made me cry in the best way possible, thank you so much for it.
    Love and hugs

    Nina

    oops, just read the comments, there were others who cried, too. Definitely good tears :)

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    1. Nina, thank you for being so open and honest, sharing your heart here. It really touched me. {{{hugs}}} Yes, it would be all too hard, and dangerous for my marriage to go back. It was self destructing, DD brought so much peace, harmony, and most of all, love to my marriage. I have never felt so cherished, so listened to, so important. I am glad that you were able to relate so well to so much of this post, and that you're being blessed in your own marriage. :) {{{hugs}}} And good tears are definitely what I'd hope for over bad ones. ;)

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  19. Mary, My partner in life Susan, enjoy the fact that it is no big deal for us to be openly about our relationship. She is the one in charge and makes are bond stronger. We met in college and on particular spring break, spent it at her mother's, she is strict, old school, lives alone. Well we both messed up and she told her daughter to get ready. I soon heard from her bedroom the sounds of a spanking. I had to see and sure enough she had her daughter over her lap, not only bared bottom but she had nothing on. If you were my daughter she said to me as she continued to spank her daughter you would be next. I said nothing, left the room, and when I returned I was naked, my friend now facing the wall. I said I'm sorry Mommy, she smiled not as much as you will be. She spanked me soundly and we both stood facing the wall. It was a month or so later I did something stupid and Susan said I should give you a spanking. I looked at her and said you wish to be the Mommy, she said yes and I soon got my first spanking from her. Live cannot be any better, except if you are spanked in the ladies restroom at a nice restaurant, and then going back to your table, trying to sit, and others looking at you.

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Please feel free to leave any comments, but I do ask you to be kind. We go into this with eyes wide open after months of prayer, and a peace in our hearts that this is the right choice before God for our marriage. I am open to questions from those who wonder why we made this choice, but I would ask for no personal attacks. Thank you. :)

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