I have spent the week processing, and I'm sorry that I haven't written. I know many felt attacked by the article that came out last week, which is now being reported by dozens of news sources. I hate that we all have felt violated and threatened. At the same time, I am so proud of the fact that a community that is wounded and some a bit frightened have rallied behind Jim and Christina so beautifully. There is so much love here. I am so thankful for this community. I have been since I found you, and still am.
I won't lie, part of what kept me silent this week was the sudden rush in traffic on my site. Like four thousand hits in a couple of days. I thought that happened for everyone, but when I mentioned it to a few of you, you had no influx of visitors. I couldn't figure out why. So on Sunday I looked up my traffic reports. A huge chunk of them came from the LDD site. I just could not figure out why. So I looked. I had been linked in a post of theirs just before the articles came out... so I'm guessing that is how my numbers went so high.
I don't know why I didn't get bad comments, but after hearing what some got, I am thankful. To those of you that received mean comments, I am so sorry. You are so special, so loved. You do not deserve their scorn or judgement. We are all behind you. We know the truth about you, and are sorry their lies and confusion was so blind and hateful. :(
I won't lie, it freaked me out that my numbers were going high, and others weren't. But the next day I made a decision. I don't care what they think. I did, I really let it bother me this week, that article nonsense. But not anymore. I hope it's okay to share why.
Before DD I cried myself to sleep so many times. I felt so unloved. The Duke never noticed anything I did, and never seemed to care about me. Yes, he loved me, but he never showed it to me. I was literally dying inside. I was desperate, I started looking online on ways to save my marriage. I just wanted the Duke to step up, take over some, relieve me of some of the burdens I was carrying. Essentially, I wanted him to take his role of head of our house. When looking up info on how to do this, I found Domestic Discipline.
My heart started yearning. Not only was there a lifestyle out there I could learn from that might help guide the Duke into stepping up, but it also was a lifestyle that would help us learn to take my control, and give him control. Better yet, here was a lifestyle that also had ways to help me become a better person, help me learn boundaries as I'd never had any before, a lifestyle that would help me learn to control my temper, and best of all, a way to let go of guilt. I carried around guilt so much, and having a temper that made me regret everything I would say and do did not help.
It took MONTHS to show the Duke I was serious about this. He is shy, and passive, this took some talk. Domestic Discipline is not about punishments. It's about helping those of us that need it finding a structure base to live in. I needed to start having consequences. I was self destructing with nothing to stop me. I was getting unhealthy, I was getting depressed, I was getting a low self esteem, I was getting angry, I was not dealing with the grief of losing my son in a healthy way. I wanted to lash out at the world.
This is what DD has done for me.
I now keep my house in order. This has become a rule in my home. For the Duke? Not a chance. He does not care one iota what the house looks like, and he never did. Why then the rule? Because clutter stresses me out. Hearing people outside my door REALLY stressed me out that they may want to come in, and then they'd see the mess. The Duke hates seeing me stressed. He likes seeing me happy. So the clean house is so that when I sit down, I can relax, and not be looking out of the corner of my eye at all that needs to be done, and stressing about not ever being able to catch up. It now takes me 20 minutes twice a week to clean up my house. That's it.
I now exercise and eat better. Not to deprive me, and make me lose weight, but because I wasn't feeling well. This one was the hardest to ask the Duke to enforce, he loves me the way I am, the size I am. He does not believe I need to change. I however do. When he started to see that I was feeling better with this rule being enforced, it became a rule that would stay. I no longer have as bad of headaches, I have more energy, I'm sick less days.
I now look at myself and can smile at myself. One reason is that I have only had one blow up in months. One. And even then it wasn't bad. Why? Because the Duke knows when to cut me off now. He knows that line I cross where it's okay to share my opinion, and when I start to get angry and can't stop. I still get to share my opinion, but he reminds me to calm down, take a breath, not to let the anger over rule me. This has saved me from so much guilt. I don't have to apologize to him for raking him over the coals, for swearing, stomping about the house, and I don't have to apologize to God for railing at Him as well, as that is where I would go once I was done with the Duke. It is so great to not have to carry that burden around.
I can also look at myself and smile because the Duke does not allow me to self bash either. I am no longer allowed to tell myself I am worthless, that I don't matter, that I'm ugly. I am not allowed to have pity parties that lead to dark moods and depression. If they threaten to come, the Duke is there, to love me, praise me, and show me how much he loves me.
EVERY single rule I have is for me. It took me a while to see that. But it's true. Not one of those rules are a selfish one made by the Duke. Even my bedtime rule is because if I don't get enough sleep, I am useless the next day with a major migraine, sometimes so bad all I can do is sit in the quiet, with tears running down my face. He HATES to see me in pain.
DD is done out of love. It's done out of respect. Yes, sometimes I get spanked, but you know what? If I get to the point I need a spanking, I also need to a good cry. A spanking helps me cry, it helps me let go of all I'm holding on to. It helps erase the guilt, it helps me know I've dealt with my mistake and can move on without having to worry about it anymore. Spanking frees me. You think I'm crazy? I smile after EVERY spanking. Not always right away, sometimes it can take ten minutes. Never longer. The Duke always pulls me to him right away and holds me and comforts me and lets me know how much he loves me, tells me to let it all out, and that he is there for me. And then I smile. Because all the garbage I was feeling is gone. I cried it out. No more baggage, I'm freed. And I have my best friend there, supporting me.
I can't go back to how our life was before. I can't.
Before, my husband never touched me, he never talked to me, he lived in his own little world. We shared a bed, we shared a home, but that was it.
Now he LOVES to be with me. He can't wait to talk to me each day. We spend hours sometimes just talking. He can't keep his hands off of me. He's always wrapping his arms around me, holding my hand, putting his hand on my knee when I'm driving. He asks more about what I think. He checks in more to make sure I'm doing okay. He asks more what he can do to make sure I'm doing okay. He takes over more things when my daily headaches are harder to bear. He's more ready and willing to help me with chores around the house and to run errands. He steps in to protect me now. He stands up when friends try to take up too much of his time now and tells them he needs more time with me. We joke around way more, and tease each other. We now do nightly devotions together and pray together more often. I have not felt this loved, ever. This is better than when we were dating.
I can't go back to how our life was before. I can't.
DD is one of the best gifts God has brought to my marriage. I am so happy now. I feel freer than I have ever been. I feel more loved. I feel special. I feel important.
Anyone that wishes to judge me can. I've realized I just don't care. :) I'm happy. The Duke is happy. That, I do care about. That is what matters. That article made me feel dirty. But HOW can I feel dirty about something that has brought so much love, joy and peace? Shame on the author for trying to destroy something so beautiful. Shame on her.
To all you fellow DDers out there, whether you write blogs or just lurk, I am so proud to belong to this group of WONDERFUL people. It is so rare to see love given so freely as it is here. This community means so much to me. Had you not been here, I would have never known. I might still be crying myself to sleep every night, fighting for a way to survive.
I know some of you are taking your blogs down, some going private, and some taking theirs off of being able to be searched for. I really feel that you are right in doing so. Each person is different, and we all need different things, especially if you feel threatened at all. Always listen to that voice if it tells you to pull back. I thought about each of those for the Duke and I, and wondered which I/we should choose for us. After some long thoughts, and as long as the Duke stays okay with it, I'm not changing anything for now. I want to still be here for others to find who may need DD as much as I did. That may change as our life changes, or if kids come into the picture, but for now, I feel peace about this decision. I hope it is okay to ask those of you that go private to send me an invite. :) I really still want to stay in contact because you have come to mean so much to me, and I have learned so much from you guys. :) I love you guys. :)