UNDER CONSTRUCTION

We had to take down all our posts for a while. We did not realize that to put them back up would repost them in everyone's feeds. We apologize for that. We also will do our best, as life allows, to get the rest of the posts up as soon as possible. :)

Sincerely, The Duke and EsMay

Tuesday, April 23, 2013

Playing And Two More Rules

Playing around in DD is AMAAAAZING!

So, last night I start joking around with the Duke, basically poking the bear. :)  I was pinging him.  I don't know what it is, but I like to jokingly ping him.  So, he flipped me over, me fighting, me LOSING, and getting ten playful, but firm, swats.  We were on the bed, no, not telling any juicy bits! ;)

This happened three times, me pinging him, him playfully turning me over (against my will, lol) and giving me a series of playful, but firm swats, they kept getting harder.  Ouch.  Me, oh so respectful wife, of course was NOT laughing her bottom off, I was the picture of respect and composure.  *cough*  *coughI'm actually offended that at this moment some of you don't believe me!  ;)

And then I got turned over one more time... more seriously, though not much longer.  The Duke called me his "Little One".  One of the reasons I'm doing the Spring Fling Challenge is because I'm over weight.  I'm not small.  So I said so.  *SMACK*

The Duke: "Yes, You ARE."
Me: Timidly, almost with tears in my eyes "No, I'm not.  *SMACK* *SMACK*
The Duke: "Yes, You ARE."
Me:  "I have a mirror!  I know what I look like!"  *SMACK* *SMACK* *SMACK*

The Duke turned me over, I fought to win, he won.

The Duke: You are my Little One, and I want you to accept it.

See, I think part of the reason I can't, is for some reason growing up, and I can't even remember where I heard it, I hear someone being called Little One, and it sent off a craving in me.  I wanted for so long for someone to call me Little One.  Now all the sudden the Duke does?  I was thrown off my rocker.  I was told to get used to it. 

Let's just say that after that the playfulness continued and I woke up this morning feeling more loved than I have ever felt in my life!  Literally, my limbs were even smiling!

Then tonight happened.  I don't usually swear.  I grew up in a Christian home (My Dad was the Christian leader) where swearing was not allowed.  So it was not something I was accustomed too.  But on a bad hormonal day when I'm missing our son, upset that I'm not a mother, and wondering why God is blessing everyone around me with kids, and I'm still left with empty arms, I tend to say the f word. :( :( :(  And then I call myself some really bad names, my mom did not lead as my father did.  She called me the b word all the time, (never in front of dad) and so I find myself calling myself that on really bad days, feeling she is right, that if I was loved, and worthy, I would have kids by now.  I know this is NOT true.  But when my hormones are out of whack that bad... I really believe it.  I think this was all brought up because of my being down the other day.  It so easily could have ended like this, but thankfully didn't.

So... my new rule to make sure this doesn't happen again?  I'm not ever allowed to swear.  This is going to be so easy... normally, but when I'm alone and the hormones attack... ACK.  Not going to be easy.  :(  The other rule is that I'm never allowed again to say anything negative about myself.  I can't say I'm fat, ugly, a b... what have you. 

So... tonight I got a spanking, to cover the past, with the heavy wooden spoon, it had me bawling.  And I got a lecture on how I am telling myself lies when I talk about myself like this, and the Duke will not put up with lies.  Great, I'm honest in everything else, I never lie to him... why does this have to such an issue... I guess I see it, I wouldn't want him doing the same to himself... but I can't say I'm beautiful like he wants me to.  I can't.  It goes against all I was taught as a child... I didn't really think I had a lot to work on... bootcamp is going to be so hard!!!

I don't know what's come over him, I think I like it... a bit scared... in that I'm not ready for those last walls to come down... but I guess they must... *gulp*  I thought I was ready for this... but I never thought having to call myself beautiful was going to be a rule... This is it, when DD/TTWD goes in a different route than planned, and I have to trust the Duke with it, I can't top from the bottom... and all the sudden, losing the control to do so is scarier than I thought... and exciting... and well, sexy, and SCARY.  :)  Yep, that is me right now.  Why is there no breaks installed on this ship!?  Anyone got an anchor I can drop??? :)

32 comments:

  1. I am glad you woke up feeling loved, because it is clear as can be to those reading this how much the Duke loves you. He is a good man and very lucky to have you. :)

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    1. Thank you, Bea, I am very blessed to have him. :)

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  2. Sounds like he wants you to see yourself as he sees you, not like the devil wants you to see yourself. The evil one came to steal, kill, and destroy, and self-loathing is one of the tools he uses. As long as you don't feel good about yourself, you can't be all that God wants you to be. I think those rules are wonderful. I'm sorry that you got mixed messages growing up. I did too, and I struggle like you. So as I'm typing this, I'm not just talking to you, but to myself. I can not see the physical you, but through your post, I see some of your heart. What I know of you, you are beautiful, and valuable. Don't let anything steal your joy or sense of value. God bless you and yours, Belle L.

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    1. Thank you, Belle. I know this is true... I just really struggle on fighting it. Yeah... they probably are good rules... I just can't figure out why I'm so scared to think good of myself. I think because growing up I was told so often how worthless I was by my mother... that it hurts to be of value now... if that makes sense. And thank you for the compliment, it raelly touched my heart.

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    2. It hurts to be of value now I think because you weren't of value then. Well you were a beautiful and awesome person then but your mom didn't recognize it. It is especially hard when one or both parent's don't recognize it because they are the ones who are supposed to. I do understand because I had and still have sometimes such moments with Tm telling me the opposite of what I heard growing up. I am happy you have the Duke who seems to value your greatness :)

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    3. Thank you, Mischief. I think you're right. I do think part of it is facing the fact that I was lied to, and my true value beaten into the dust. It hurts to hear how wrong my mom was because it defined who I was. Having to redefine who I am to myself, making myself feel value when I'm used to not being valued... it's hard. It almost hurts to be important. So not fair. :( But I am glad the Duke is here to help me. :)

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  3. A little bit of fun and two extremely important new rules. :)
    When we talk negatively about ourselves we are in fact speaking negatively about our husbands. They chose us and choose us because we are beautiful, are we saying that they are wrong or that they are not able to judge beauty?

    Hugs

    Callie

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    1. Callie, thank you... I needed that put into perspective. I guess in judging myself, I am putting him down and accusing him of not being honest with me... Thank you for that, I needed that.

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  4. Well well my dearest Esmay, the Duke is right, I agree you should get that bum of your spanked and spanked hard, if you ever out yourself down again. You are a beautiful and extremely lovely person and never let anyone tell you otherwise.

    So sorry I'm with Duke in this one ;)

    I'm glad you woke up feeling loved and happy, the guy obviously loves you to bits and knows how to look after you. As with the swearing, I get in to trouble for it too, it really isn't nice to swear, but I know it's hard and sometimes they just slip out.

    Hugs x

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    1. Great, Thanks Missy! I'll remember that. ;) Hehehe. Okay, so maybe I do deserve a butt roasting, but it's going to be so hard... emotionally that is. And thank you for the compliment. I read the line to the Duke about "you should get that bum of yours spanked and spanked hard", he laughed.

      And I think he does love me to bits. If you'd asked me a few months ago, I still would have said he didn't notice me or care... now... WOW! :)

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  5. I loved the playfulness between you guys...and I loved his protectiveness too! He's not going to let anyone talk negatively about his woman...including his woman lol. Good luck with the new rules Es May.

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    1. Here's hoping he doesn't let anyone else talk bad about me! ;) I know, I loved the protectiveness too, now that I've had a chance to think about it, I didn't know he had it in him. *blush* :) And thank you, Tess, I hope they new rules go well too, or my bottom will definitely be sore for a while. *gulp*

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  6. Im with him on this one! As cliche as it sounds you have to be able to love yourself and he wants you to see you as he sees you. Easier said than done, I know, becsuse I can be the same way with the negative comments towards myself, but I think its wonderful that thats a new rule!

    I also think its great that you woke up feeling loved, because its clear from this post how much he loves you. :)

    Wooden spoons are evil though arent they? Ouch!

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    1. Yes, Kenzie, wooden spoons, especially the old heavy type with a small hitting surface, are just cruel! ;) I think everyone is going to agree with the Duke on this one... hmmm, he's lucky I love him and don't get jealous of him. :) I am glad it shows through how much he loves me... I guess I didn't realize how much until you all started commenting. Thank you so much. :)

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  7. It's so hard to view ourselves as our husbands see us. One time, He-Man gave me a compliment and I completely disregarded it - basically telling him he was blind and didn't know what he was talking about. Like you, I have eyes and a mirror. I can see what I look like! He looked at me, with a look somewhere between sad, confused and hurt and said, "Why would you throw something I give you away?" I shook my head at him because I wasn't sure what he was getting at. Then he said, "You just threw away my compliment." I haven't done it again. When he compliments me, I accept it with a smile and a 'thank you' whether I believe him or not.
    I like these new rules of yours. Eventually, you will too. I'd probably fail miserably at them (especially the swearing) but I'm confident you'll do just fine. :)
    PS Let's hope He-Man doesn't hear word of your new rules - wouldn't want to give him any ideas, lol...

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    1. See, Sarah, you make is sooooo tempting to tell him now! Hehehehe, I won't! :) You know... what he said about throwing away the compliment... that is something I have to remember... I think I'll even tell it to the Duke so that he can remind me of what I'm actually doing when I do do this. The more I think on it today... and see the love he was showing in making these rules, how his goal in these is to protect me, it does make me start to like the new rules. we'll see how much though the next time I'm otk for them! *GULP* lol

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  8. Hi Es May,

    Firstly, I'm glad you are enjoying the fun side of Dd. I love the banter and playfulness. Rick calls me his little one too and I love it :)

    I too am glad you woke up happy and feeling loved. You have an amazing husband there who loves you very much :)

    I'm sorry, but I'm with the Duke on this one too :) Negative self talk seems to be an issue with most HoH's. It can be self damaging and part of their job is to protect us and sometimes that means protecting us from ourselves. I also agree with the others that the Duke wants you to see yourself how he sees you. Rick has told me several times that he does not see any of the negative stuff that I do and that it hurts him to hear me make these comments.

    As for the swearing .. well, I think that one could be a little tough for me *blush*

    ((Hugs))
    Roz

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    1. Oh, you are called Little One too, that's kind of cool. I don't have to feel so childish about it then. *BLUSH* I think part of my hard time with it was that I did like it... but I had wanted that name as a child, and it was weird hearing it as a grown up, it also brought back the hard feelings of the longings I had.

      I will have to ask the Duke if it actually hurts him to hear me talk down about myself... that would really shape me up fast. The further we go into DD, the more it really hurts me to hurt him.

      Aw, you could do the swearing rule... your butt would only be as sore as mine is going to be over putting myself down! ;) {{{HUGS}}} back. :)

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  9. Dearest Es May,

    Big {{{HUGS}}} from me - I think there are probably a lot of us who are constantly trying to overcome a negative self-image; especially when it got deeply ingrained into us from childhood, (and from our mothers who are supposed to be the ones to love and support us unconditionally). Those roots are deep, and they don't get destroyed overnight, but thank God for our sweet husbands who see beyond that and love us enough to fight us on it!

    And it's true that when we put ourselves down we are hurting/insulting our dear husbands. That's what finally got me to stop me badmouthing myself and even negative thinking about myself. My husband now helps me to be more of a realist in that I can say "I really want to lose weight as I would feel so much more comfortable with myself" but he wouldn't love me any more if I did or any less if I didn't - just as I don't love him any more or less as his looks change over the years (28 years of marriage, there's bound to be some changes, lol!) If I can love him that way, why wouldn't I believe that he could love me that same way?

    I'm glad you have The Duke who can give you the extra TLC you need, but also does not let you get away with doing anything that would be harmful to yourself. <3

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    1. Oh, I plan to be very realistic. LOL I try to be now... but I guess I have to tone it down a bit and be willing to see his side of realistic too. Yes, he is getting better and better at saving me from myself... sometimes I have to tell myself I do love this. lol

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  10. Sorry all of the anchors seemed to have disappeared. :-)

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    1. LOL I wondered if anyone was going to comment on that! :) Well, if you see one, I'm willing to pay. ;)

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  11. I've noticed that Steve and I are a lot more playful these days than we were prior to DD. I guess it's because we're a lot closer and definitely more comfortable with each other. It's nice though.

    I get down on myself sometimes too. Steve used to not say much about it, but he's been getting after me lately if he hears me talking about myself in a negative way.

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    1. It is so nice, I am glad that the same is happening fo ryou and Steve. :) Uh oh, I think you're soon going to have the rule I have. I really think it will be good for me in the long run... but I see a lot of tears in the making until then. I hope your ride is easier. {{{HUGS}}}

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  12. First of all, playful DD is the bestest thing in the entire world. I love when Bucko is all playful and bossy. So sexy...ahem! I digress. I'm so happy that you two have discovered this fun part of DD. It warms my heart to see you in such a good place.

    Secondly, I struggle with the same things you do. I wish I could see myself the way Bucko sees me, but I just can't. One thing I have found since starting TTWD is that I'm more willing to try. You may not always see it, but try. There will be moments where you catch a glimpse of the woman he sees, and I promise you the view is awesome. Keep up the great work.

    Love and hugs,
    TL

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    1. TL, that is just beautiful, that I might catch a glimpse of the woman he sees. And yes, it's ahem... sexy. LOL We have just been having so much fun! I feel so connected to him right now. I am so blessed. :) You know, I think the more they honestly tell us how much they love us, and how much value they see in us, and keep delighting in us, I hope that is when it will be much easier to believe our true worth to them. :)

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  13. Hugs! Playfulness is so fun and important! Keeping that alive has been a major goal of mine in our dd relationship. The rules are good..I grew up with a mom like that and it was rough...you are not that person. You are the wonderful you your husband fell in love with...believe him...trust him...that's what this is about, right? Tough lessons to learn, but oh so important...

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    1. Nice to meet you, Cole. :) You almost made me cry. "You are the wonderful you your husband fell in love with". Thank you for those words. They really touched me. You're right, tough to learn, but if I can do it, I really feel this will be so good for me, for us.

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  14. Oh the fun side of DD is awesome...it doesn't have to be so serious all the time!

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    1. The good moments are DEFINITELY starting to outweigh the hard ones. :) And thank goodness they don't have to be serious all the time, eh? Or else why would we want this? ;)

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  15. Oh, Es May! Hugs to you!!! *HUGGGGGG* on so many levels I can relate to your story and your heart. <3

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    1. Thank you for the hugs, Mixie. :)

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Please feel free to leave any comments, but I do ask you to be kind. We go into this with eyes wide open after months of prayer, and a peace in our hearts that this is the right choice before God for our marriage. I am open to questions from those who wonder why we made this choice, but I would ask for no personal attacks. Thank you. :)

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