So, last night I start joking around with the Duke, basically poking the bear. :) I was pinging him. I don't know what it is, but I like to jokingly ping him. So, he flipped me over, me fighting, me LOSING, and getting ten playful, but firm, swats. We were on the bed, no, not telling any juicy bits! ;)
This happened three times, me pinging him, him playfully turning me over (against my will, lol) and giving me a series of playful, but firm swats, they kept getting harder. Ouch. Me, oh so respectful wife, of course was NOT laughing her bottom off, I was the picture of respect and composure. *
And then I got turned over one more time... more seriously, though not much longer. The Duke called me his "Little One". One of the reasons I'm doing the Spring Fling Challenge is because I'm over weight. I'm not small. So I said so. *SMACK*
The Duke: "Yes, You ARE."
Me: Timidly, almost with tears in my eyes "No, I'm not. *SMACK* *SMACK*
The Duke: "Yes, You ARE."
Me: "I have a mirror! I know what I look like!" *SMACK* *SMACK* *SMACK*
The Duke turned me over, I fought to win, he won.
The Duke: You are my Little One, and I want you to accept it.
See, I think part of the reason I can't, is for some reason growing up, and I can't even remember where I heard it, I hear someone being called Little One, and it sent off a craving in me. I wanted for so long for someone to call me Little One. Now all the sudden the Duke does? I was thrown off my rocker. I was told to get used to it.
Let's just say that after that the playfulness continued and I woke up this morning feeling more loved than I have ever felt in my life! Literally, my limbs were even smiling!
Then tonight happened. I don't usually swear. I grew up in a Christian home (My Dad was the Christian leader) where swearing was not allowed. So it was not something I was accustomed too. But on a bad hormonal day when I'm missing our son, upset that I'm not a mother, and wondering why God is blessing everyone around me with kids, and I'm still left with empty arms, I tend to say the f word. :( :( :( And then I call myself some really bad names, my mom did not lead as my father did. She called me the b word all the time, (never in front of dad) and so I find myself calling myself that on really bad days, feeling she is right, that if I was loved, and worthy, I would have kids by now. I know this is NOT true. But when my hormones are out of whack that bad... I really believe it. I think this was all brought up because of my being down the other day. It so easily could have ended like this, but thankfully didn't.
So... my new rule to make sure this doesn't happen again? I'm not ever allowed to swear. This is going to be so easy... normally, but when I'm alone and the hormones attack... ACK. Not going to be easy. :( The other rule is that I'm never allowed again to say anything negative about myself. I can't say I'm fat, ugly, a b... what have you.
So... tonight I got a spanking, to cover the past, with the heavy wooden spoon, it had me bawling. And I got a lecture on how I am telling myself lies when I talk about myself like this, and the Duke will not put up with lies. Great, I'm honest in everything else, I never lie to him... why does this have to such an issue... I guess I see it, I wouldn't want him doing the same to himself... but I can't say I'm beautiful like he wants me to. I can't. It goes against all I was taught as a child... I didn't really think I had a lot to work on... bootcamp is going to be so hard!!!
I don't know what's come over him, I think I like it... a bit scared... in that I'm not ready for those last walls to come down... but I guess they must... *gulp* I thought I was ready for this... but I never thought having to call myself beautiful was going to be a rule... This is it, when DD/TTWD goes in a different route than planned, and I have to trust the Duke with it, I can't top from the bottom... and all the sudden, losing the control to do so is scarier than I thought... and exciting... and well, sexy, and SCARY. :) Yep, that is me right now. Why is there no breaks installed on this ship!? Anyone got an anchor I can drop??? :)