UNDER CONSTRUCTION

We had to take down all our posts for a while. We did not realize that to put them back up would repost them in everyone's feeds. We apologize for that. We also will do our best, as life allows, to get the rest of the posts up as soon as possible. :)

Sincerely, The Duke and EsMay

Saturday, April 13, 2013

Holding Back?

I am going to try to write this on the sly.  The parents are visiting. :)

So, I meant to get on yesterday, and write to you about the last few days, but then I got into deep cleaning the rest of my house, and once I started, couldn't seem to stop.  And since I so rarely am like this, decided to keep with the motivation as long as it lasted!  :)  I gutted out areas I haven't in a while, reorganized areas that weren't really bad, but weren't as neat as I would like, and so on.  My place has not looked this good in years! :)

Anyway, so in the midst of that, I had an hour between finishing up and them arriving here, and so I spent it putting fresh bedding on their bed, and then I just relaxed.  So I am sorry I lied and didn't write yesterday as promised. :)

So, the thing that I was going over in my head the other day was the sudden, and shocking, want to take control.  Ever since we married, I tell the Duke every time I spend money.  Be it even a dollar, he knows about it because I tell him the next time I see him.  He's never asked me to do so, but I once was with a woman shopping, and she bought a bunch of stuff.  She told me not to tell her husband because she'd already maxed out the credit cards, and she'd hide the clothes she'd bought during that trip and slowly start wearing them.  That REALLY bothered me.  So I tell the Duke now every single time I spend money.  BUT, on Thursday, I didn't want to do this.  I really didn't want to do this. :(  And I'm still not sure why.  I had gone to a local 50's diner and told him about that.  But then the friends going back to the UK had the afternoon free to hang out with me, and the husband of the couple really wanted to get an ice cream at Dairy Queen, so we went there.  I only spent a few dollars, but I didn't want to tell the Duke about it.  He actually called me on his break (I had his cell for the day) and wanted to see how I was doing.  I was at DQ and didn't tell him!

Also, I made another purchase that day that I didn't want to talk to him about.  The Duke's birthday is in March, and mine is in May.  So my parents give us money for our birthday's in the middle.  So, we already had the money, and the Rival 16q Roaster was on sale for $40!!!  I didn't even know such a thing existed.  How much easier would cooking holiday meals be if I could have the oven free of a bird???  I wouldn't have to time making dressing that takes an hour, around making sure the turkey/chicken was still warm!

So I saw it on sale on Saturday.  I thought and debated about it all week.  One, to keep my rule of thinking things over before I buy them, and two, I usually don't spend my birthday money until it's actually my birthday.  But when something is like 70% off, you sometimes have to bend the rules. ;)  So I bought it, but when the Duke seemed all surprised, happy, but surprised to see it in the car on Thursday when I picked him up from work, I didn't want to talk about it.  So two things in one day that I didn't want to let him in on. 

Why?  Not that any of you will have an answer.  I just, still don't know why that was.  In fact, I felt like he has NO RIGHT to know.  That is so against everything I have thought since the very beginning of our marriage.  I wonder if part of it is that the Duke wasn't stepping up to the bat as much this week.  He kind of backed off quite a bit... and maybe that was it.  I understand emotionally he was feeling distant this week, but it was also pushing me away.  But still, I don't think that was it.

I did finally, about five minutes into our trip home, did admit to the DQ ice cream and to buying the roaster.  But I still don't know why I was hesitant.  Once I admitted these to him, I no longer felt he had no right to know, but until then, I did.

If any of you have any idea of what is going on, PLEASE feel free to share! :) 

Okay, so Dad is ready to do some stuff, so I have to sign off, but I promise tomorrow or Monday to catch up on all your blogs!  Thanks for being such a wonderful community, I have made so many great friends on here!  See you all later. :)

16 comments:

  1. Hi honey

    I can't really tell you why you felt that way, maybe just a bit of frustration maybe, or even wanting to get even in a way because he wasn't stepping up ??? Sorry best I've got. Sometimes when I'm angry or frustrated I feel like going against a rule, sort of like if he can I can if that makes senes.

    Anyway it's all done and it the past, I hope you enjoy your time with your dad x

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    1. That makes sense. The "If he can, I can" statement. I'll have to give that some thought. Thankfully things have been good the last few days, hope they stay that way. :) And thank you, I had a good time with my parents, better than I expected. :)

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  2. I'm with Missy. Maybe you felt like since he wasn't doing what he is "supposed" to do, neither should you?!

    Have a nice visit with your family :)

    Hugs,
    Tricia

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    1. You guys could be right. Thankfully nothing like that has come up again over the past few days... then again we have been really busy, constantly together, and constantly with family. ;)

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  3. Hi- just found your blog and look forward to reading! I know what you mean about the roaster freeing up the oven... I'll have to look for one on sale. :)

    I know that since we've started DD that I'm feeling much more open and vulnerable with all the additional communication we've been doing. Maybe you needing to be able to spend a little money without telling Duke is your way of maintaining a sense of "self" since everything else is so out in the open between you two. Just thought I'd throw my 2 cents in, for what's it's worth. :)

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    1. Hello Kim. Thank you for dropping by. :) Oh, I am so excited about the roaster. We are thinking about trying it out this week! Just for no reason, hehehe. :)

      That is a good thought, the more I go into DD, the more I give of myself. I did kind of feel like it was none of his business to know what I was doing. Oh boy, more to process. ;) Thank you though, this is something I really should look at.

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  4. I know what you mean. It happens to me whenever I feel rebellious. I can talk myself into all kinds of stuff and as soon as I tell Wes and get it right with him I wonder what the heck I was thinking. If you figure out a way to skip the part where I go ahead and do what I shouldn't let me know.
    Bea

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    1. Well Bea, I'm glad I'm not totally alone in this then. :) Does make me feel a bit more normal. :) If I find the solution, I will DEFINITELY pass it along. ;)

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  5. Hi Es May, firstly, don't try to over analyze this too much. I agree with the others, perhaps you were feeling this way because you felt as though he wasn't doing what he was 'supposed' to be doing. The roaster was a gift. You purchased it with money that had been gifted to you and had good reason being at such a good price.

    I can also relate to this because I have to check ANY spending, no matter the amount with Rick before I spend it. That can be difficult at times, depending on the circumstances. If circumstances mean I can't really check with him first, I usually go ahead and then tell him and he is ok with it .. provided I haven't gone overboard that is!

    Hugs,
    Roz

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    1. Hi there, Roz. That is a rule I wonder about having. The only problem is, it is VERY rare for the Duke to tell me no on buying something. I don't know if that's because I don't ask for much, or because he has no idea if we should be buying it or not. hehehe But I have definitely been trying to check in with him a whole lot more before I do buy things, which has surprised me, that is, until this day as mentioned in the post. Guess I do still have a bit to go on working on this. But I do promise to try not to over analyze it. ;) I do tend to do that, and need to relax a bit. {{{HUGS}}} to you too. :)

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  6. I did this the other day. Went to lunch with my bf and didn't tell him. why? Not the same answer as some others but still just as bad. He works hard all day. Up at 5. Teaching all day long. And I was at lunch and shopping? It mad we me feel badly so I didn't tell him. Still haven't. Anyway, I hope you have fun with your dad because I don't have much advise to give you. Ugh. Sorry. Hang in there.

    M.

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    1. I hope you'll be able to tell him soon. Not for him, but from the freedom it will give you to be honest. :) I know it was eating at me until I admitted about my day. Even though it was small, it made a big difference in how the rest of our day went to be open. {{{HUGS}}} And I had a great visit with my parents, thank you. :)

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  7. Never! I have no idea what you are talking about....okay....well, maybe once or twice. ;)

    When I first started trying to be submissive, I would have the overwhelming feeling he was winning, I think that was mostly do to our dynamic before ttwd. Now, if he threatens a spanking, that never happens I go nuts and I cannot seem to control it. The strangest part of that is I thought, even said, that would NEVER bother ME. Well it does and I can't explain why. The other time I notice it being very hard is during PMS.

    It's crazy stuff huh?

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    1. HEhehe, no idea, huh? ;) And you're right, it is crazy stuff. I'm going through things I never expected. I've always wanted him to take the lead, I've always wanted to be submissive, all my friends knew this long before we found DD, though we don't tell them about DD. But now... that day I really didn't want him to be in charge... I wanted to be... so not what I ever expected. Hmmm, maybe I can blame it on PMS, even though that's not showing to be the case! LOL

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  8. You know my post from a few days ago where I talk about slamming stuff around, and beating up my dishwasher? Prior to ttwd I didn't do that. Honestly. I was just quiet and brewed until the flame 'fizzled' out. My point? I don't have one..LOL. Just that our emotions are all over the map. Our brains trying to be introspective and figure stuff out until we go mad. I have done a few more 'bizarre' and out of character things these past couple of weeks. Just relax, the answers will come to you, or maybe they won't this time. The important thing here is that you did share with Duke !

    My 'textbook' answer would be that you wanted to be in control,test Duke by doing it, and then waiting to tell him about it to see what he would say. HOWEVER, I have no clue.

    Okay, so not helpful, I'll admit :)
    love,willie

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    1. Thank you... you are right... in the end, I did tell the Duke, and that is what mattered. I guess I didn't look at that silver lining. If I meant to test him, I didn't do a good job. LOL He just listened to my answer as if that was exactly when I planned to tell him. hehehe. Though, once he reads this blog post... then he'll know! *GULP* Soooo, how BAD would it be to take this down before he sees it???? ;)

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Please feel free to leave any comments, but I do ask you to be kind. We go into this with eyes wide open after months of prayer, and a peace in our hearts that this is the right choice before God for our marriage. I am open to questions from those who wonder why we made this choice, but I would ask for no personal attacks. Thank you. :)

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