I am exhausted. So tired.
Am I allowed to hunt down Clint and Chelsea and BEG them to change the book???? ;)
Would it be terribly wrong to change the copy of the book the Duke owns? Or delete it and say the computer must have had a glitch???? ;) ;)
Okay, so boot camp isn't that bad, it really has been great, but I really do feel that some things in the book are to an excess. Okay, only one, but still, when you're this tired, one thing can seem enormous. The punishments. At least with spanking there is a release. But when you are given a lecture, later on a corner time, later on a 30 minute bedroom time, and then after that an hour of lines, mouth soaping, Bible reading, and a chore. I just... at the end of the day, I was bawling while writing the lines. Even though I'd done nothing wrong, it was just too much at the end of the day. I think the fact that I didn't feel well did not help. Been running to the bathroom all day. :( Also, with all the punishments, even though I know they're just to get used to them, and the book does say to try them all that you plan to do, except things like grounding, I felt beaten down. It's hard to take punishment after punishment when you have done nothing wrong, even if it is just to push your submission.
But the day wasn't all bad. The lecture time we worked through some issues I didn't even know I had. We talked, and talked, and I bawled like a baby. It was so good, we needed to do this, see why I did the things that I do. I didn't realize why I act the way I do when I'm close to throwing those hormonal tempertantrum. After talking, the Duke really did see how much I struggle not to get angry, but that I just can't seem to win. We also realized I do the exact same things my mother used to do when she'd throw a fit. I was never taught how to handle my anger, so I to this day don't know. So, I will research that, and he will help me. We sat down and worked out steps for both him and I to try over the next year to help cut off the anger before it builds. If in two years we still can't make the hormonal tempertantrums easier, we will look at the antidepressants that I could be on. For now, we don't see the point of a medication that I have to take 365 days a year for the 4-6 breakdowns I'll have a year that only last an hour. But they are severe, I get near suicidal, but then an hour later can be completely calm and back to my old self, so we'll see.
The homework assignments are really great. And we made up a contract. I wasn't going to, but then I read somewhere this week that it can also be a good idea to protect your husband. If a healthcare professional, or law enforcement were ever to find out I was being spanked, or see the bruises, it is good for my husband's safety to have a contract drawn up to say that I do want this lifestyle, and that I do give him permission to discipline me, and spank me. This way, if in the moment they think I'm afraid to tell them the truth, I have a signed copy for both the Duke and I of our commitment and roles to this lifestyle, mine even promises I am not signing it under force or coercion, just in case. We took the short sample on the LDD site and then added our own things. It did take an hour and a half, but it says just what we want it to say, and it proves that I want this lifestyle, and go into it with my eyes wide open.
Over all, this was a GREAT day, and so far we would really advise any couple thinking about the beginners boot camp to go for it. (But really consider first if this is for you. It is not for everyone, it is just what we felt was good for us. Every marriage is different, and so every couple that does DD needs to do things their own way as well.) The only thing I would change so far is the grouping of punishments at the end of the first day. If you do this, maybe think about doing this earlier in the day. I just was already so tired, and emotionally exhausted from all the work we'd already done that day going through my past, reasons for doing things and such, that I really was too tired to do these without breaking down. I just felt, well in my past I used to be punished all the time for things I hadn't done... mom would make up lies to tell dad, she'd punish me, and then he would hear her side and punish me as well, I guess I felt a lot like that again today. So if you don't have that in your past, it probably wouldn't be as hard for you. For me, I broke down crying at one point, and left the Duke completely baffled.
So I am off to bed. The Duke has given me more of an idea of what to expect tomorrow. I think that might have been part of it too. I left all the planning to him, purposefully didn't read the book so that I wouldn't make a mistake and say "HEY! The book didn't say to do that!" Yeah, I don't need more ammunition for punishments this weekend! LOL But... because I did that, I thought there were only three punishments a day, so the final one took me completely off guard. So he's told me tomorrow is only spanking ones. There are three, but I can do that. And the great thing about the spanking ones is that at least there will be a release. That will help. :)
So, I am still alive, and looking forward to tomorrow. Not sure if it's because at the end of the day we'll be done, or that we really are getting closer already. And I'm now completely sure that this lifestyle is what the Duke wants, and not something I pressured him into doing. That weight off my shoulders is great. Hearing the Duke tell me why he hopes we never go back, really touched my heart. Hearing him praise me, and love on me... so wonderful. I love that man! :) And this bootcamp has been so great for seeing that so far. :) I really do feel this boot camp was the right thing to do for us. Yes, it has been hard at times, like I stated above, but there is also so many great things that happened today as well. :)
If I have the energy, I'll write tomorrow night as well. Night all! :)