UNDER CONSTRUCTION

We had to take down all our posts for a while. We did not realize that to put them back up would repost them in everyone's feeds. We apologize for that. We also will do our best, as life allows, to get the rest of the posts up as soon as possible. :)

Sincerely, The Duke and EsMay

Thursday, April 18, 2013

A Little Overwhelmed

I was so upset with the Duke last night.  Not angry upset, but, keen disappointment upset.

Last night was Prayer Meeting.  Except for one other week, I have not been able to attend lately.  Last night two ladies had their new borns.  A 3 1/2 month old, and a 3 week old.

The mother of the 3 1/2 month old let me hold her daughter twice, for extended periods of time, I probably held her an hour in total.  I loved every minute of it.  My heart longs so much for a baby that at times it literally drives me insane.  I have wanted a baby for so long, even more so when we got married five years ago.  Since losing him, I crave a baby with all I have in me.  Holding that baby last night brought me so much peace, I couldn't stop smiling.  Holding a baby just feels so right to me.  I know this sounds so pathetic... but I honestly feel when I'm holding a baby that I'm complete.

Now don't get me wrong.  I don't sit at home and pine and whine because I don't have a baby.  I'm not that obsessed.  But there is the occasional day every few months when I feel my dream slipping away, and I do have a good cry.  But other than that, I don't talk about it often, or make it my whole life.  But I also won't lie.  This is my deepest heart's desire right now.  It is something I yearn for with every ounce of my being.  And just when I think I don't anymore, I'll hear of yet another friend who is pregnant *almost all of them are right now, or just delivered* and my heart will break, no break is not the right word, shatter is more like it, because they will have the joy I have been denied so far.  I do my best to be happy for them, and supportive.  I offer to babysit other kids on days they find rough during pregnancy.  I make each one of them a knitted gift for when the baby is born, and I bring each one a meal when the baby comes.  I do this out of ove, but also selfishly.  Hoping that in trying to be happy for them, I can let go of the pain and be truly happy for them.  Even typing all that here there are tears in my eyes, that is hard to admit, but I want to be honest.

So anyway... When my husband picked me up after prayer meeting last night, I told him that I got to hold the baby.  There was a shake to my voice that I could not hide, no matter how much I tried.  He asked me, kind of curtly, if I was upset.  I could tell that he wasn't going to be pleased if I was hurt.  He really hates to see me sad because he feels he should be able to make everything right in my world, no matter how much I tell him that isn't his job.  When he asked if I was upset, I couldn't talk.  Yes, I was hurt.  There were three women there besides me last night.  Two had new borns and one is 20 weeks pregnant.  I keep waiting for my turn to be pregnant again, and being a month shy of 35, fear my time is ending.

So I felt really hurt last night when the Duke asked if I was upset, because I felt I needed to talk, to process... and I felt with him asking me it in the way he did, that the door was closed for me to do so.  Normally I would have gotten defensive and flung accusations at him until I was mad.  But since DD... last night I just stopped talking.  I'm not sure this was the right way either, but for our 30 minute drive home I was either quiet, or made small talk about things I needed to get done around the house, and if he needed anything done. 

I love holding babies, and don't get to very often.  With so many of my friend's I'm afraid to ask to hold their babies because it is weird between us since we lost our son, and so I wait until there is a chance to offer to help if they need their hands free, or wait for them to offer... which they normally don't...  So I only get to hold a baby a few times a year.  When I get the chance, I really want to take it.  The hurt I'll feel later is so little compared to the joy I feel when I'm holding that baby and making it smile.  And when they fall asleep in my arms, I'm in heaven.

Why was that so hard to communicate to the Duke last night?  I finally did at bed time, I told him I needed those times.  Yes, they would hurt afterwards, but I still wanted to enjoy in babies still whenever I can.  After some talking, he could see my side.  I told him I don't want to give these chances up just because he doesn't ever want to see me upset. 

What I can't figure out is... if I was wrong to tell the Duke this?  Was I wrong to tell him how much this means to me when my pain is at his expense?  I also feel I could have handled the car ride better.  I do not feel silence was right, though I do feel it was a lot better than accusations and then anger.  But in what is right for us, and what is right in DD... I can't for the life of me figure out how, while being a bit sad and shaky... what I could have done better.  I don't want to disrespect my husband.  But at that moment, I really am not sure if there would have been a way for me to calmly talk with him.  Does anyone else have times where they just can't talk?  But need a time to process first?  I do this in our marriage with other things too, but wonder now if this is disrespect as well?

Sorry, just processing through a lot because of last night.  I want to show the Duke all the love I can... and want to make sure I'm not disrespecting him as well.

23 comments:

  1. Oh dear Esmay

    I feel your pain and anguish, it must be so hard to long for something that most of us take for granted and as normal, and I really don't mean that in a bad way. I've told you before I have a friend who for years tried to have a baby, where mine just happened. It made me feel bad and made her feel bad and the whole situation was just frustrating. We ended up speaking about this once, and realised that what we both felt was our own anguish and had we talked about it, we would have realised its better to be open about it than to hide from each other.
    It turned out I needed her help as much as she needed to help me and vice versa. We got through it by talking.
    I wish you could speak to your friends if they are close, I'm sure they would appreciate your help and it would make you happy.

    Your turn will come babe, have faith, my friend is now over due with her second baby ( very frustrated actually, he was supposed to be here a few days ago lol) and I am so happy for her, it's all I wished for her.

    As to keeping quite about your feelings because you need to process, I don't think it's anything wrong with it. Maybe you could next time let Duke know, that you need to process and will talk to him when you can. This is t building walls or distancing, it's communicating that yes you need to let him in, but you need time first.

    I'm so sorry for your hurt and wish you with all my heart all the best x

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    1. Missy, thank you so much! I might try to talk to my friends... I'll see, right now... I'm not sure how I could.. but I will think on it. This morning I did write the mother of the baby I held last night. I told her how much it meant to me that she let me do that, and how I'm so shy to ask, and that it made my night. We go to two groups together, so hoping I will get some more cuddle time. :) But either way... it was a big step for me to do this.

      You know, I used to do that... admit when I needed time to process... I never even thought of it last night though. Thank you for the suggestion. I have to remember to start doing that again. And thank you for your kind wishes, they mean SO MUCH to me! {{{HUGS}}}

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  2. Ah Honey. I am so sorry for your anguish. No it's not wrong to be quiet. I often have to process through things. It is better than being ugly, accusing and end up with a spanking out of the gate. However, it is also not okay for me to say things like, "nothing, why do you ask?" When we both know I am thinking something. It is ok to say "I want to talk to you, but I'm not quite ready."

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    1. Thank you, Dana. Oh boy... you just pointed out that I did, in fact, do something very wrong. I kept telling him I was okay, that I wasn't crying. He could tell I was lying, I'm sure... woops. :( I was in defense mode... I'll have to apologize for that tonight.

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  3. Es May

    I understand your longing and your pain completely. I now, have two children, but it took me several years to get pregnant. I would cry every time one of my friends had a baby. I can't imagine the pain you must feel since you lost your only beloved baby. I pray you will be able to have another. Have you considered or tried having your minister and elders pray for you? In some churches it is common for them to do that when there is a specific need. It is actually very uncommon in my church, yet this one night they offered to do it specifically for anyone wanting to have a baby. Several of us went up and they laid hands on us and prayed for us to be given children. All of us ladies now have children. My heart goes out to you and my prayers are with you. <3 quiet_sara

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    1. Thank you, Sara. I have had elders from another church pray over me, and some people at Prayer Meeting, and at a women's retreat this past fall, but have not had the church do so. Before I would have been open to this, but now we are the only married couple without children except the newly wed couple in our church. Also, there are 10 babies in our church now of only 30-40 people. I just... feel I can't now. I feel out of place and would feel, even if heart felt, that the prayers would be pity prayers. I need to get to a place where I don't feel this way. I know mostly that they wouldn't be pity prayers... but my heart feels they would be, and I need to get past that. But your story does give me comfort and hope that I too will know the joys of having a baby. Thank you so much for that! :)

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    2. ( <3 ) Hugs

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  4. Awww. Honey. I'm sorry. I can tell you this... a high school friend just had a baby last winter and she delivered at 42. I know you don't want to wait but there's definitely plenty of time. Personally, the professor and I had to do IVF three times to get the first one, then I had six miscarriages between my 1st and 2nd. It was awful but since I had one I felt at ease. However, after I had the second, babies three and four just happened. We never thought the professor would need a V, lol.

    I know the anguish. Took us four years to have a baby. You will have your own! Have you thought about doing an IUI procedure? Pretty easy and not too pricey. Let me know if you need anything.

    M.

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    1. Wow, it would be so wonderful if we got to the point that the Duke had to have V. ;) Thank you for your encouragement... there is time... I guess I'm also worried about my kids graduating when I'm 60... they'll have me as a parent around a lot less time in their lives than many of their friends will. I guess, in this, I should be really glad the Duke is four years younger than me. Though I rarely remember this fact. :) You know, up until now, I have been feeling medical steps weren't for me, but we have agreed, if by my birthday next month we are not pregnant, we will start with fertility drugs, and then go from there. Natural does not seem to be working for us. And thank you, I'll definitely let you know if I have any questions! :) :)

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  5. I think you handled it well with the Duke, considering your stress, Es May. I know it can be really hard to talk when you are troubled.

    Rose and I were married in 1991 and it was 5 years before she conceived, it was certainly not from lack of trying. At the New Year of 1996 our goat gave birth to twins, and Rose says she knew then she would be pregnant during the year 1996. Our son was born at home in June. Rose turned 38 that year, and it was her first and only child.

    Since then we have had no more children; she does not conceive easily due to a uterine myoma, and we have never used any form of contraception. Both of us would have liked at least one more child, especially since it is much easier to manage two or three children than one - in my experience. But I have already had seven children starting in 1955 (three of which are no longer living) so I guess I have done my share of keeping humanity going!

    I really have no advice for you, just thought it might be interesting to you to know our experiences. Well ... perhaps I should say, Never despair! The future will look after you. And disregard any personal attacks, it's their problem and need not be yours.

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  6. I think it's amazing how much you do for friends that have had babies when it would be so easy to be bitter. That takes someone truly loving and special.
    I also think it's ok (?) to be silent, for a short time. The important thing is that you did talk with the Duke later. I don't know if that is "right" but I think it's ok.

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    1. I won't lie, st, the year we lost our son, I didn't make anything for anyone. Anyone that had a baby within the 15 months of his death got squat. But I knew I needed to push myself.

      Yes, I do think it is good that we talked later. And we talked again last night about it as well. He understands a lot more, and feels really bad that he cut me off. Thank you for your kind words. {{HUGS}}

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  7. Hey hun, I can totally relate to this. I have not been blessed with children, and thanks to circumstances out of our control, won't be blessed in the future.

    I have now passed the time when my friends were having children, but it was so hard at the time watching them go through their pregnancies and then watching them with the babies. While I was genuinely happy for them, it reinforced for me at the same time what I couldn't have.

    I also understand what you said about what it means to hold a baby. I used to feel the same way. It's funny, because I never really wanted a family, yet seeing my friends with babies still evoked those emotions. I think it's ingrained in us as woman.

    As for not sharing your feeling with you husband, I agree with Missy. You needed to process before you could share and there is nothing wrong with that. We need this sometimes. There is nothing wrong with saying you need to talk but need to process your thoughts first and aren't quite ready yet.

    I'm sure it will happen for you Es May ... probably when you least expect it!

    Love and Hugs,
    Roz

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    1. Yes, it is VERY ingrained in us. Though I do have two friends, and funny enough they look almost identical, who are so against having their own kids. They LOVE everyone else's but do not want their own, even after a decade of thinking about it.

      I am sorry that you had such a hard time. I know how hard it is to long for what everyone else seems to be getting. You seem to be in a very good place now. {{{HUGS}}} That really helps me see that children or not... I can still have a good life. Thank you for being so open about your journey, Roz. {{{HUGS}}}

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  8. Hi kiddo sorry to hear your having a hard time getting pregnant but there are making medical strides in getting women pregnant. We know how you feel not being pregnant because we couldn't have any kids not either,it wasn't in the cards for us.

    As for the situation you handled it beautiful you were quite untiyou'vevproceededed it trough then you went to talk to him. I also think that you husband should of handled it a little bit better in the car.

    we are praying for you

    Bob

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    1. Bob, you rock. :) Just saying. :) Thank you for speaking about my husband. We actually talked again last night, and he realizes that in worry about protecting me from going to a dark place, he actually sent me to a dark place. He now realizes I just needed time to work through the emotions, and in trying to protect me from being overwhelmed and sad, he cut the process off so that I couldn't do it as well.

      I am sorry that kids weren't in the cards for you. But I love hearing in your posts how well the two of you are doing. You know, until people started replying here, I didn't realize how many people are struggling with this. It gives me comfort to know people understand... though, I wish they didn't have to understand as well because I know the heartache associated with it. Thank you so much for sharing, it really means a lot.

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  9. EsMay, as someone who is also trying desperately I admire the fact that you can be in a room with babies in it at all. I turn into a complete mess, I avoid being in situations where I know there will be young children and babies around. It all hurts too much.
    You are very strong and the love you are showing to other women is to be admired.

    Callie

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    1. Callie, I won't lie, I still have a very hard time. At my church right now, there are more kids ages 5 and under than there are adults. Almost all my friends have babies, and some pregnant with number two or three. I have had panic attacks at church and had to leave the room. You are so not alone. {{{HUGS}}} Even with holding that baby the other night, it took me half an hour with both babies in the room to be able to look up and talk to anyone because I couldn't handle it at first. You are right... it really does hurt too much. Too see so many people with the gift we are so desperately hoping for. I never knew my heart could yearn or hurt like this. When someone told me once there is no pain like wishing for children and not having them... I never understood the depth, until we couldn't have kids. {{{HUGS}}} If you ever want to talk with someone who understands, PLEASE feel free to write me. My email is on the top of the right hand side of the page. Thank you for sharing, I know it wasn't easy.

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  10. I had a host of female problems most of my life because of things that happened in my childhood, scarring and things which I thought were insurmountable. I became pregnant with my first son when I was 41. I can tell you that your anxiety is not helping you. I understand that wanting, I do. I thought it was something that I would never experience. I know that your belief in God is strong, Es May. Put this in his hands, relax and let Him work in your life.

    And what Dana said is true - I also am a ruminator. That was part of our terrible, very bad weekend last year. And from that we came up with something very like what Dana suggested. I don't say nothing and I don't say fine - I simply say I'm feelings something I don't understand and I need some time to understand it before I can share it with you. Ward has been very supportive and accepting of that.

    (((hugs)))

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  11. Sometimes we just cant help the way we feel. Hugs

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    1. Isn't that the truth. :) Thank goodness there are plenty of joy days as well then. :)

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  12. I've read and reread your post several times this week and it's touched me deeply. I have been in your shoes and admire the courage it took you to share your thoughts and feelings with all of us. You are certainly entitled to take the time you need to process tough situations and it was the right thing to do to tell the Duke why you were upset. He may not feel it as deeply as you do but I'm sure he has his moments as well. Even though you often may feel alone, you are not! Sending thoughts and prayers of comfort your way!

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  13. Es May, as an encouragement-I just want to hug you. I have the upmost respect for anyone who has been shoes of loss. You will be deep in my prayers. You are a woman of Strength!

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Please feel free to leave any comments, but I do ask you to be kind. We go into this with eyes wide open after months of prayer, and a peace in our hearts that this is the right choice before God for our marriage. I am open to questions from those who wonder why we made this choice, but I would ask for no personal attacks. Thank you. :)

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