I was so upset with the Duke last night. Not angry upset, but, keen disappointment upset.
Last night was Prayer Meeting. Except for one other week, I have not been able to attend lately. Last night two ladies had their new borns. A 3 1/2 month old, and a 3 week old.
The mother of the 3 1/2 month old let me hold her daughter twice, for extended periods of time, I probably held her an hour in total. I loved every minute of it. My heart longs so much for a baby that at times it literally drives me insane. I have wanted a baby for so long, even more so when we got married five years ago. Since losing him, I crave a baby with all I have in me. Holding that baby last night brought me so much peace, I couldn't stop smiling. Holding a baby just feels so right to me. I know this sounds so pathetic... but I honestly feel when I'm holding a baby that I'm complete.
Now don't get me wrong. I don't sit at home and pine and whine because I don't have a baby. I'm not that obsessed. But there is the occasional day every few months when I feel my dream slipping away, and I do have a good cry. But other than that, I don't talk about it often, or make it my whole life. But I also won't lie. This is my deepest heart's desire right now. It is something I yearn for with every ounce of my being. And just when I think I don't anymore, I'll hear of yet another friend who is pregnant *almost all of them are right now, or just delivered* and my heart will break, no break is not the right word, shatter is more like it, because they will have the joy I have been denied so far. I do my best to be happy for them, and supportive. I offer to babysit other kids on days they find rough during pregnancy. I make each one of them a knitted gift for when the baby is born, and I bring each one a meal when the baby comes. I do this out of ove, but also selfishly. Hoping that in trying to be happy for them, I can let go of the pain and be truly happy for them. Even typing all that here there are tears in my eyes, that is hard to admit, but I want to be honest.
So anyway... When my husband picked me up after prayer meeting last night, I told him that I got to hold the baby. There was a shake to my voice that I could not hide, no matter how much I tried. He asked me, kind of curtly, if I was upset. I could tell that he wasn't going to be pleased if I was hurt. He really hates to see me sad because he feels he should be able to make everything right in my world, no matter how much I tell him that isn't his job. When he asked if I was upset, I couldn't talk. Yes, I was hurt. There were three women there besides me last night. Two had new borns and one is 20 weeks pregnant. I keep waiting for my turn to be pregnant again, and being a month shy of 35, fear my time is ending.
So I felt really hurt last night when the Duke asked if I was upset, because I felt I needed to talk, to process... and I felt with him asking me it in the way he did, that the door was closed for me to do so. Normally I would have gotten defensive and flung accusations at him until I was mad. But since DD... last night I just stopped talking. I'm not sure this was the right way either, but for our 30 minute drive home I was either quiet, or made small talk about things I needed to get done around the house, and if he needed anything done.
I love holding babies, and don't get to very often. With so many of my friend's I'm afraid to ask to hold their babies because it is weird between us since we lost our son, and so I wait until there is a chance to offer to help if they need their hands free, or wait for them to offer... which they normally don't... So I only get to hold a baby a few times a year. When I get the chance, I really want to take it. The hurt I'll feel later is so little compared to the joy I feel when I'm holding that baby and making it smile. And when they fall asleep in my arms, I'm in heaven.
Why was that so hard to communicate to the Duke last night? I finally did at bed time, I told him I needed those times. Yes, they would hurt afterwards, but I still wanted to enjoy in babies still whenever I can. After some talking, he could see my side. I told him I don't want to give these chances up just because he doesn't ever want to see me upset.
What I can't figure out is... if I was wrong to tell the Duke this? Was I wrong to tell him how much this means to me when my pain is at his expense? I also feel I could have handled the car ride better. I do not feel silence was right, though I do feel it was a lot better than accusations and then anger. But in what is right for us, and what is right in DD... I can't for the life of me figure out how, while being a bit sad and shaky... what I could have done better. I don't want to disrespect my husband. But at that moment, I really am not sure if there would have been a way for me to calmly talk with him. Does anyone else have times where they just can't talk? But need a time to process first? I do this in our marriage with other things too, but wonder now if this is disrespect as well?
Sorry, just processing through a lot because of last night. I want to show the Duke all the love I can... and want to make sure I'm not disrespecting him as well.