You know, in all my processing in my blog last night, I TOTALLY forgot to tell you all the beautiful thing that DID happen in my maintenance story.
Usually when I am as upset as I was the other night during maintenance, I storm around the house. I raise my voice, I slam cupboards. Then I see my husband, and he becomes the target of my rage. Why is he such and such a way. Why can't he do this or that right. Why is he still struggling with the same things he's been struggling with since we got married, and on and on go thet attacks. There is often a screaming match with God in the midst of this as well, and when I mean that I tell Him off, I mean the F word, middle fingers stuck in the air, a full out rant. It gets bad. But it gets worse. I then start calling myself HORRIBLE names. I've even yelled at myself in the mirror a few times telling myself just how worthless I am, pulling out all the old pet names my mother used to so cruely have for me. This only happens a few times a year, and only since Michael has it been so bad, but when it does happen, I'm uncontrollable. I HATE this about myself. I am so ashamed to even admit this, even my friends don't realize this about me. I am so afraid you will all not want to talk to me again after knowing this. But I feel I have to be honest... so that I can share how much I've already been helped.
I hear myself say to calm down, it doesn't work. I tell myself I don't need to do this, but I do anyway. I tell myself I can over come this, I can't. Once the anger starts to build, no matter how much I fight it, it needs to run it's course, even if I succeed in holding off the anger, it still builds, and cannot be denied. Not until I can cry can I begin to find a balance again, and this can take up to an hour, though usually not quite as long. But you all know how much damage can be done in ten minutes of a temper tantrum.
But this time? My husband spanked me, not even realizing how much I needed it. I broke down. I bawled. He held me, I talked, and talked, and talked. And you know what? There was no anger. No temper tantrums. I had nothing I had to go back to my husband and ask forgiveness for. I hadn't accused my husband of anything unfairly so that he started worrying he'd have to make changes he doesn't have to make. I didn't have to go to God saying how sorry I am that I told Him off as well. My scardy cat wasn't hiding under the bed. All around, it was SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO MUCH BETTER!
So now we'll be looking at ways to see my triggers, my warning signs, and for him to just grab me and spank me. I do admit, I'm more prone to these tantrums when I'm sick, hormonal, or too tired, and right now I just might be doing all three.
So even though I had to get him to cut the maintenance shorter than normal, what it did for me this time was amazing. Sorry I forgot to share that yesterday, still was processing on making him stop. But the maintenance itself was such an eye opener to my tantrums. I have not had a real one since we started DD, or not that I can remember, and so this was the first time to see if DD would help. YEAH, it did! :)