UNDER CONSTRUCTION

We had to take down all our posts for a while. We did not realize that to put them back up would repost them in everyone's feeds. We apologize for that. We also will do our best, as life allows, to get the rest of the posts up as soon as possible. :)

Sincerely, The Duke and EsMay

Tuesday, March 26, 2013

The Miracle That Might Change My Life

You know, in all my processing in my blog last night, I TOTALLY forgot to tell you all the beautiful thing that DID happen in my maintenance story.

Usually when I am as upset as I was the other night during maintenance, I storm around the house.  I raise my voice, I slam cupboards.  Then I see my husband, and he becomes the target of my rage.  Why is he such and such a way.  Why can't he do this or that right.  Why is he still struggling with the same things he's been struggling with since we got married, and on and on go thet attacks.  There is often a screaming match with God in the midst of this as well, and when I mean that I tell Him off, I mean the F word, middle fingers stuck in the air, a full out rant. It gets bad.  But it gets worse.  I then start calling myself HORRIBLE names.  I've even yelled at myself in the mirror a few times telling myself just how worthless I am, pulling out all the old pet names my mother used to so cruely have for me.  This only happens a few times a year, and only since Michael has it been so bad, but when it does happen, I'm uncontrollable.  I HATE this about myself.  I am so ashamed to even admit this, even my friends don't realize this about me.  I am so afraid you will all not want to talk to me again after knowing this.  But I feel I have to be honest... so that I can share how much I've already been helped.

I hear myself say to calm down, it doesn't work.  I tell myself I don't need to do this, but I do anyway.  I tell myself I can over come this, I can't.  Once the anger starts to build, no matter how much I fight it, it needs to run it's course, even if I succeed in holding off the anger, it still builds, and cannot be denied.  Not until I can cry can I begin to find a balance again, and this can take up to an hour, though usually not quite as long.  But you all know how much damage can be done in ten minutes of a temper tantrum.

But this time?  My husband spanked me, not even realizing how much I needed it.  I broke down.  I bawled.  He held me, I talked, and talked, and talked.  And you know what?  There was no anger.  No temper tantrums.  I had nothing I had to go back to my husband and ask forgiveness for.  I hadn't accused my husband of anything unfairly so that he started worrying he'd have to make changes he doesn't have to make.  I didn't have to go to God saying how sorry I am that I told Him off as well.  My scardy cat wasn't hiding under the bed.  All around, it was SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO MUCH BETTER!

So now we'll be looking at ways to see my triggers, my warning signs, and for him to just grab me and spank me.  I do admit, I'm more prone to these tantrums when I'm sick, hormonal, or too tired, and right now I just might be doing all three.

So even though I had to get him to cut the maintenance shorter than normal, what it did for me this time was amazing.  Sorry I forgot to share that yesterday, still was processing on making him stop.  But the maintenance itself was such an eye opener to my tantrums.  I have not had a real one since we started DD, or not that I can remember, and so this was the first time to see if DD would help.  YEAH, it did! :)

27 comments:

  1. Sure it sounds very hopeful Es May.

    By the way "Please feel free to leave any and all comments, unless you are here to attack the choice we have made to practice DD ", even attackers might benefit from a careful explanation, folk who attack your choice are often the ones who would really like it for themselves. That's how it seems to work. Perhaps you could find some material for this online somewhere, if you don't create it yourself - give the attacker a link to follow. Mostly such people are only parroting a second-hand opinion.

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    1. Thank you. :)

      And it is so funny that you said that! Because it was literally this morning when I was looking over the things I put on this blog when we first started that I was thinking I should change some things. The two I want to look at most is that saying for the posts, and my background. So I will be working on what to make it say over the next couple of days. As well as a new background that goes better with DD. :)

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    2. Hello again, Es May.
      Spician logging in once more as "Anonymous"- seems easiest. One thing I looked for here was an email address- sometimes it's nice to make contact off-blog.
      As I mentioned yesterday I've got pictures to show you from another Western with a hoity-toity Becky McLintock character that I could send that way. Would you like to see them?
      And do feel free to contact me on spice-entertainment@hotmail.co.uk.
      Very best wishes to you.

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  2. There is so much that gets uncovered, besides just our bums that is, with ttwd. I am so happy for you that you can 'pan' for gold. MIND you this is a huge nugget!

    I hope that together you and Duke continue to make forward progress, whether it be huge leaps, baby steps or standing still for a moment or two.

    your friend willie

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    1. Yeah, I had wondered at the beginning of DD if the Duke would just stop my tantrums at the beginning, if we could head them off. Well months later, I can say YES. :) You're right, this is a gold nugget in our relationship. :)

      Thank you, Willie, you've become a good friend to me too. :)

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  3. Es May, I'm so happy to read this. It sounds as though it was very difficult to get through, but also a defining moment both for you personally, and for your relationship. This is one of the great benefits of Ttwd, it can help battle old habits that can be either personally destructive, or destructive to your relationship. Good on you for talking things through. Good on both of you!

    I'm glad you shared this. I for one would never not want to talk to you again :)

    Hugs,
    Roz

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    1. Thank you, Roz. :) I feel so much lighter after all of this. That this might save us from those moments... so great. It really isn't good for me, even if no one is around when they happen, I get really mean, especially to myself. I don't know why it happens, but I'm glad I can see a way to stop it now if the Duke is around.

      And I am glad you want to keep talking to me! I normally am very easy going, and kind, and very laid back. So this really bothers me that this can happen.

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  4. I'm glad DD has helped you with controlling this. It can be frustrating for all involved. So happy he's helping you with it all :)

    Callie

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    1. You are so right. It really bothers me that this happens. I think it if happened more often, it would end my marriage. I am so glad that since I can't seem to stop it on my own, I can now ask for help with it. What a burden lifted for both of us. :)

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  5. Good for you ES MAY for such a big advancement in figuring out some of your stressors

    Bob

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    1. Thank you, Bob. I feel like this one thing has made me feel like I've really grown. My husband is so wonderful. :)

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  6. Oh good! He got all the muck and guck out of you before it turned inward and became unhealthy.

    DD does this for us too and it is a huge part of what maintenance does.

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    1. Hey Susie. I am now a huge fan of maintenance. :) I mean, it hurts, but not half as much as my heart would have if I'd been allowed to get to my angry place.

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  7. Woo-hoo! That's awesome Es May! :) Heading things off before they get ugly is always a better option. I'm glad that ttwd is proving helpful with that. (((hugs)))

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    1. Thank you so much, Grace. :) I feel like this has been a whole new level for us. Silly really, but I really feel like I graduated through another grade at school or something. LOL

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  8. Es May, that is awesome. I love how dd helps us deal with life so much better. It has helped me to stop some of my nasty tantrums and relieve me of my guilt. Glad that you were able to write down what you were feeling and trust that blogland would be your safe place to confess. No passing judgment here

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    1. That is so great that it has helped you as well in similar situations. :) I am so thankful for blogland... everyone is so supportive. It was so hard for me to be honest, and you guys have all been so supportive! :) I am so blessed.

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  9. That sounds like a much more positive experience for you! ((hugs))

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    1. Definitely, I just have to remember to focus on the good, not the bad. :) {{{HUGS}}}

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  10. Hey Es May...aren't we a bunch of crazy ladies...congratulating you for getting a spanking. ;)

    So happy to hear that you and the Duke and found a way to get the temper under control before you totally blow up!

    So proud of both of you. :D

    Blessings,
    Cat

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    1. LOL You know, I never thought of it that way before, but I know at times I feel good for people on here when they get a spanking that helps them destress, or relax.

      You know, so many women question our sanity, those of us in DD. I feel like I should explain to them that a good spanking is like stretching out a charlie horse. The charlie horse is only going to get worse, and possible cause lasting damage if I just leave it. It hurts to stetch it out, it hurts more than the initial pain of the charlie horse, but if I brave the pain, the stretch will relax the muscle, and then I'm all good. The spanking is the same. If I don't allow it to happen, I only get worse, and could cause lasting damage to our marriage. But if I allow the spanking, I'm all good again. :)

      Thank you for being proud of us, seems funny to say that, but it is nice. :)

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  11. Oh Es May..I was looking for an email address, but cannot find one :( My gosh, it was like reading about myself in that second and third paragraph. I too have no idea how it seems to get out of control. I just posted a blog similar to what you have described. Only I think you have been more honest than I was. Just know, that there are people who sooooooooo understand.

    Hugs Es May

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    1. I just want to hug you right now! I have to run right now, but I'm definitely going to read your post asap. You know, I guess I don't have my email up. I will fix that today too. :) I want to thank you for understanding, but it seems such a bad thing to do, because it means you know how hard this is, and that hurts me to think others go through it too. {{{HUGS}}} But I am glad I'm not alone in the universe in this as well... if that makes sense. :) Thank you for being so honest back. It means so much to me. :)

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  12. Hey honey

    Sorry late again :) no one has the right to judge you babe, and we all ha e our issues. Great that you and Duke have found a way to deal with a difficult situation. You're doing great x

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    1. Hey Missy. {{{HUGS}}} Thank you for not judging me. :) I am so honoured by this community, and all their support. And you are not late, I just posted too early. ;)

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  13. I understand, Es May! I have been having some emotions come to the surface lately too. Maintenance has been a miracle, especially if we catch my stress before it shows. Even if I need maintenance every day, I would rather have that than be a frazzled out girl. It's embarrassing, and I understand! Of course, my HOH has never showed any of this behavior.

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    1. I totally agree. I wouldn't like to be spanked every day, but it would be so worth it if it kept me from getting all frazzled. :)

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Please feel free to leave any comments, but I do ask you to be kind. We go into this with eyes wide open after months of prayer, and a peace in our hearts that this is the right choice before God for our marriage. I am open to questions from those who wonder why we made this choice, but I would ask for no personal attacks. Thank you. :)

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