UNDER CONSTRUCTION

We had to take down all our posts for a while. We did not realize that to put them back up would repost them in everyone's feeds. We apologize for that. We also will do our best, as life allows, to get the rest of the posts up as soon as possible. :)

Sincerely, The Duke and EsMay

Friday, March 29, 2013

Made To Need Him

I talk about my faith in this post, not to be preachy, but to show how a certain book and Bible passage finally cleared up in my head something I was finding really confusing about DD.  I hope I do not offend anyone that chooses to read further. 

So... I have a confession to make.  I've been feeling really off kilter.  The Duke and I have been talking about how to get him to feel like he can actually punish me.  We're doing really good at the maintenance, but not so good on the punishments.  Meaning, I think I've had one punishment spanking since we started, and it was only a few swats, and two times of writing out lines, and those lines were my idea.

All the sudden I felt like a child needing a spanking.  I felt like I should be able to be a grown up.  It was great to release the other night during maintenance.  But am I a child to need readjustment?  Correction?  Why is it I crave direction so much?

But then today I saw a book on Amazon for free.  When Love and Submission Ignite (Secrets to an Incredible Love Relationship)  It was only 31 pages, but I thought I'd give it a quick over.  Now, it's really Biblical, so if that offends you, this won't be a book for you.  And I'm not sure it teaches enough to be effective in learning to submit, but there were a few points I liked.  This short books talks more about why you should submit, but doesn't tell you really how to.  Even then I thought it could have gone into real detail.  But anyways.

One quote I REALLY liked.  It is talking about submission.  "This does not make one inferior, but it provides an opportunity for accountability."  It's true, I need accountability.  This is what I've needed all along.  I've never really had to be accountable to anyone.  But it's something I've longed for for quite a while.  There have never been consequences really, and I need that. 

The book also quotes the passage in Ephesians 5:22-28.
22 For wives, this means submit to your husbands as to the Lord. 23 For a husband is the head of his wife as Christ is the head of the church. He is the Savior of his body, the church. 24 As the church submits to Christ, so you wives should submit to your husbands in everything.  25 For husbands, this means love your wives, just as Christ loved the church. He gave up his life for her 26 to make her holy and clean, washed by the cleansing of God’s word.  27 He did this to present her to himself as a glorious church without a spot or wrinkle or any other blemish. Instead, she will be holy and without fault. 28 In the same way, husbands ought to love their wives as they love their own bodies. For a man who loves his wife actually shows love for himself.

Now, that really helped!  It all clicked!  My husband's job is to help make me spotless.  To help me be without fault!  That's his job, my job is to let him.  WOW.  Every time he punishs me it's to take away the guilt and the fault.  Every time he corrects me, I become a better person with less flaws.  He's helping me become the person I can't be on my own.  So that doesn't make me a child to need his direction, to need his correction.  It's his job.  Not just something that will just make our marriage stronger, not just something that makes us more happy.  It's what we are supposed to do.  I feel so less childish with this.

Now, I've read that passage a number of times, but until DD, it never held so much meaning.

I sat the Duke down and we talked.  I don't want him to feel bad about needing to punish me.  He's really struggled to be the leader of our home.  He's been so afraid of pushing me, upsetting me.  So I sat him down to talk after reading this, and got him to read the Bible passage.  I told him that he wasn't forcing me to do anything.  I was handing over the reigns.  I didn't want control anymore.  I needed him to take it.  I told him it was a gift.  Did he want to take it or not?  I told him of the times he had stepped up, and how much those meant to me (and how hot I found him!).  He admitted to being afraid of taking this too far.  And so I told him that if I ever find he's doing that, I'll tell him.  Until then, I want him to go as full force on this that he can, and we'll find the balance together.

He agreed, and I could see that after a while of talking, the wheels were finally starting to churn in his head.  Here's hoping we've stepped through another door. :)

I can't do all I'm supposed to do on my own.  I need his help.  And apparently that's okay, that's how I'm supposed to be.  I don't need to feel bad for not being able to be strong on my own.  I was made to need a help mate.  I was made to need my husband.  There is such a beauty in that!

21 comments:

  1. Great post Es May

    I picked up that book too but I haven't read it yet

    Sounds like you two are going to grow expeditiously good work

    Bob

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    1. Thank you, Bob. :) I wouldn't say it's a great book, but it does have a couple of great points that I really like. I hoipe that we do do a good work. :)

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  2. Wow great post. That really does make alot of sense. I will have to check out the book.
    Ellie

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    1. I thought it made a lot of sense too, I just wish I'd realized before how on track we are. :) And thank you. :)

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  3. I read a explination much like this on someone's blog a LONG time ago, and it was sort of a lightbulb moment for me. I already knew that a man is judged by what he allows his family to do or participate in. In allowing I don't mean judged by what his family does, but what he doesn't address. My husband also struggles with punishing me. I think he just feels sorry for me that I have pain and depression anyway. He doesn't want to add to my pain. I try to tell him that I hurt myself by giving in to my pain and depression, and making me non-functional. I need his "encouragement" more than his "sympathy." He has stepped up a few times, and has learned not to hold back so very much during a punishment, like he used to. He also swats me pretty hard with his hand even in playful spanking. I think that it will FINALLY happen eventually, but it is such a very slow process. God bless you and yours, and Happy Easter!!

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    1. I am finding the same with my husband. I've been sick since December, and really sick since January, and so he's had a real hard time being consistent. It's probaby good that they want to protect us. :) It just is that sometimes we need to be pushed, going through a hard time or not. Happy Easter to you too! :)

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  4. I'm not a Bible believer, Es May, nor even a Christian; but I liked your post and felt it was very sincere and many could learn from it - including me.

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    1. Thank you, Malcolm. It would be such an honour if what I have learned would help someone else as well.

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  5. Hey Es May...You and the Duke have found 'the click' and are tailoring it to your beliefs and your marriage! THAT is what DD is all about! So happy for both of you! ;)

    Blessings,
    Cat

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    1. As soon as I read it, that is what I hoped it was, the click. We'll see. :) Thank you for saying that. :)

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  6. Absolutely AWESOME post Es May! Thanks so much for sharing. You're so right that it's about him taking away the guilt and fault and making us blameless and perfect :)

    Callie

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    1. Thank you, Callie, I am glad that you liked it. It was a great truth to learn. :)

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  7. Hi EsMay,

    I'm so glad this all clicked for you both and you are definitely not a child for needing the direction of your husband.

    It sounds as though you are already doing well and your dynamic and relationship will only get stronger and stronger.

    Hugs,
    Roz

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    1. Thank you for not thinking me a child. :) Last night the Duke started to get a bit bossy... I told him I think he found his HOH hat. He said "I get a hat!?" Yeah, had to tell him it was metaphoric, but that if he really wants one, I'll make him one. ;)

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  8. A wonderful Christian book on how to be the wife God intended for us to be is "Created to be His Help Meet" by Debi Pearl. It is chock full of submission and Bible verses explained in detail as to why you should submit. I recommend it highly and found it valuable in learning to be the right wife for my husband. Wishing you the best on your journey, SJ

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    1. Hey SJ, thank you, I'll have to take a look at it on Amazon.

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    2. You are very welcome. I really do think it is a good book. Blessings to you! SJ

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  9. Great post. Thanks for sharing!

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    1. You are welcome. :) Thank you, TL, for reading. :)

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  10. Never be embarrassed about sharing your faith Es May. While people come from many faiths and perspectives, overall I have found blogland to be a very spiritual place and we can all learn from each other.

    About the Ephesians passage--I find it fascinating that we often get stuck on the "wives, submit to your husbands part" but when men really focus on the piece that is their responsibility, when they realize what kind of love we need it makes us realize how big this is and how it truly goes both ways.

    Glad you are figuring out how it works for you two and are becoming more comfortable with your own needs.

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    1. Susie, thank you so much! This reply has been a great comfort to me. :) My faith is such a big part of who I am, but I never want to push or force my beliefs on anyone.

      You know, I think I did that about the passage in Ephesians. I mean, I read about women submitting to their husbands, and that husbands were to love their wives, but I didn't understand that their role went past just loving us. I did think the men got off kind of easy before. ;) But now, realize HOW MUCH they are actually supposed to do. That is a heavy load to bear, and as his wife, I have to have reverance for his position, he has not been given an easy talk, and I have to respect that he is accountable for how he leads me. WOW.

      I am becoming more comfortable... well... knowing right now, the comfort is just starting to come. It's all still so big at times. But God and the Duke will get me there. :)

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Please feel free to leave any comments, but I do ask you to be kind. We go into this with eyes wide open after months of prayer, and a peace in our hearts that this is the right choice before God for our marriage. I am open to questions from those who wonder why we made this choice, but I would ask for no personal attacks. Thank you. :)

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