I feel bad that I am still sick. But I have now told my boss I am quitting, and he is going to get back to me, tomorrow hopefully, to let me know if I can quit right away, or if I have to work another two weeks. I am hoping that I can be done now because I just can't afford to get any sicker.
But on to the good news. :)
On Wednesday night last week, we had quite the maintenance. Sometimes I find no submission in maintenance, but we are still trying to find a way to make them work. But Wednesday, I was so sick, and tender from being sick that I couldn't handle what I normally can. The Duke was warming me up, and I was already bawling. I was stressed thinking I had to go back to work, I felt worse than I had in a long time, and I was exhausted. By the time he was using the paddle I was an absolute mess. I broke my rule. I was so upset with myself, but I got out of position. I looked at the Duke and told him I was already bawling, I couldn't take any more. He kept trying to make me a few times, but a few swats in and I'd be right back out of position. I was emotionally spent, I couldn't handle any more.
He finally recognized this, and just pulled me to him to cry. And did I ever cry. For a half an hour I'm guessing, I bawled, and told him all that I was feeling. I told him how much working was bothering me, how I didn't see how I could go back and do one more day, just getting sicker and sicker from the place. I told him how much pain I was in, and that I felt like my head would actually explode. I told him how worried I was about not having another job lined up. But most of all, I told him how I just couldn't stay in position.
I knew I was close to feeling like a victim, and I had to stop the spanking to keep that from happening. So I asked him what I thought was going on. I asked him if he'd been counting. He looked at me confused, and said that he had been. He thought that that was what he was supposed to do. I told him that sometimes he might need to give me a set amount of spankings, but that he also had to take me as a guide as well when to stop.
I hate that I couldn't take any more, but I honestly think if I'd not been sick already and so achy already, that I could have done it, even in an emotional state.
We have not had a maintenance since, we were supposed to on Saturday, but it never happened. I feel I have to sit down and talk with him about the last time. I thought we were okay, but it's been a long time since he's forgotten to do a maintenance. I have to go out tonight, so it might not get dealt with tonight, but I hope it can be. I really don't want him to feel bad.
I think this was a good lesson for us to learn though. I do have a safe word, but I never once thought to use it. I guess because physically I could have taken more, emotionally, I was at my limit and could feel myself starting to slip into victim mode. It happened once in the beginning of DD, and I NEVER want to have it happen again. Why it even came up, I don't know. I trust my husband. I know he wasn't abusing me, I know he wasn't going too far for any other night. But I just couldn't take more.
Has this happened to anyone else? Was I wrong? I feel like I was, but I honestly also feel I couldn't have taken any more. I feel like abuse from my past might be why I was slipping into victim mode, but I'm not sure. Does this ever happen to anyone without abuse in their past?
Sorry, a lot of questions, I'm just really wanting to make sure we get this fixed, and feel I have a biased view of all of this.
Thank you to everyone that wished me well. I hope that happens soon! :)