UNDER CONSTRUCTION

We had to take down all our posts for a while. We did not realize that to put them back up would repost them in everyone's feeds. We apologize for that. We also will do our best, as life allows, to get the rest of the posts up as soon as possible. :)

Sincerely, The Duke and EsMay

Monday, March 25, 2013

A Lot Going On

I feel bad that I am still sick.  But I have now told my boss I am quitting, and he is going to get back to me, tomorrow hopefully, to let me know if I can quit right away, or if I have to work another two weeks.  I am hoping that I can be done now because I just can't afford to get any sicker.

But on to the good news. :)

On Wednesday night last week, we had quite the maintenance.  Sometimes I find no submission in maintenance, but we are still trying to find a way to make them work.  But Wednesday, I was so sick, and tender from being sick that I couldn't handle what I normally can.  The Duke was warming me up, and I was already bawling.  I was stressed thinking I had to go back to work, I felt worse than I had in a long time, and I was exhausted.  By the time he was using the paddle I was an absolute mess.  I broke my rule.  I was so upset with myself, but I got out of position.  I looked at the Duke and told him I was already bawling, I couldn't take any more.  He kept trying to make me a few times, but a few swats in and I'd be right back out of position.  I was emotionally spent, I couldn't handle any more.

He finally recognized this, and just pulled me to him to cry.  And did I ever cry.  For a half an hour I'm guessing, I bawled, and told him all that I was feeling.  I told him how much working was bothering me, how I didn't see how I could go back and do one more day, just getting sicker and sicker from the place.  I told him how much pain I was in, and that I felt like my head would actually explode.  I told him how worried I was about not having another job lined up.  But most of all, I told him how I just couldn't stay in position. 

I knew I was close to feeling like a victim, and I had to stop the spanking to keep that from happening.  So I asked him what I thought was going on.  I asked him if he'd been counting.  He looked at me confused, and said that he had been.  He thought that that was what he was supposed to do.  I told him that sometimes he might need to give me a set amount of spankings, but that he also had to take me as a guide as well when to stop. 

I hate that I couldn't take any more, but I honestly think if I'd not been sick already and so achy already, that I could have done it, even in an emotional state.

We have not had a maintenance since, we were supposed to on Saturday, but it never happened.  I feel I have to sit down and talk with him about the last time.  I thought we were okay, but it's been a long time since he's forgotten to do a maintenance.  I have to go out tonight, so it might not get dealt with tonight, but I hope it can be.  I really don't want him to feel bad.

I think this was a good lesson for us to learn though.  I do have a safe word, but I never once thought to use it.  I guess because physically I could have taken more, emotionally, I was at my limit and could feel myself starting to slip into victim mode.  It happened once in the beginning of DD, and I NEVER want to have it happen again.  Why it even came up, I don't know.  I trust my husband.  I know he wasn't abusing me, I know he wasn't going too far for any other night.  But I just couldn't take more.

Has this happened to anyone else?  Was I wrong?  I feel like I was, but I honestly also feel I couldn't have taken any more.  I feel like abuse from my past might be why I was slipping into victim mode, but I'm not sure.  Does this ever happen to anyone without abuse in their past?

Sorry, a lot of questions, I'm just really wanting to make sure we get this fixed, and feel I have a biased view of all of this.

Thank you to everyone that wished me well.  I hope that happens soon! :)

22 comments:

  1. Hey there :)

    I am so sorry you have been sick....if it is work related....I hope you can get out of there soon!

    I can somewhat relate to what you have written. During a spanking I have managed to get myself in such a tizzy that I felt like it was being done to me...not for me....does that make sense?? Mostly I think it has happened after we have been really disconnected as a couple...and then he starts in spanking without talking to me during or before.... It has taken a few times of that happening, before I could put into words what was wrong.

    I don't think you were wrong at all....it sounds like you have been under a lot of stress....and sometimes we just need to be loved on...hugged....and I think that is perfectly okay :)

    Hang in there!! I hope you get better soon!

    Hugs...

    ~Lucy

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    1. Yes, I struggle too if there is no talking. I feel I need that to get into the right headspace. That is a great way to put it, I think that's just it. I just needed to be loved on and hugged. :) {{{HUGS}}}

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  2. Es May,
    I somehow lost your blog from my list so thank you for leaving my hubby a comment. I'll come back and read tomorrow. I'm so sorry that you have been sick and struggling a little.

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    1. Oh, no worries. It might have happened when I changed my blog name. :) Thank you for dropping by. :)

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  3. Hi sweetie. I don't have experience with that, but I don't think you were wrong...your emotional limits are just as important as your physical ones. Hope you feel better soon.

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    1. Oh Tess, thank you so much. That makes total sense. I guess I should be as open about my emotional limits as the physical ones. {{{HUGS}}}

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    2. Hello, Es May.
      I just came by your site. I like it! I'm trying to reply but encountering difficulties- may have to go under "anonymous". Saw the name "Duke" and then read the "McLintock!" post and what you said about the Becky McLintock scene. Got some pics from an earlier Western with a similar scene that might amuse you. email on spice-entertainment at hotmail.co.uk if you're interested.
      Very best wishes Spician

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    3. I am sorry that it wouldn't let you reply under your own name. Some people have been having a lot of trouble with blogger lately. I'm glad I haven't been. If I do, I hope I remain patient and remember to be thankful that this is for free, something I tend to forget when I get frustrated. :)

      Glad you like my site, that is cool that you know the McLintock! scene. :)

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  4. Hey Es May...no dear, you weren't wrong. Tess is so right...emotional limits are just as important as physical limits and when we are sick or in a bad place emotionally, sometimes it takes very little to hit a much lower limit.

    Communication between you is definitely the key but there is no reason for either one of you to feel bad...it's called growing pains. ;)

    Sending lots of prayers and healing energy your way.

    Blessings,
    Cat

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    1. Thank you, Cat. Growing pains... my butt agrees with that one! ;)

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  5. Oh honey HUGS HUGS AND MORE HUGS X

    I can't really say I have felt like this, but have had instances where I needed to talk and got punished first and that really upset me. We had some long talks about this and now he makes sure I'm I'm the right frame of mind before any spanking takes place ;)
    Talk to Duke babe, he's a caring and loving man, he will understand your worries and together you can get past this :)
    Email me if you need a chat x

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    1. It's amazing how much talking helps, isn't it? It reminds me as a child, almost every time my dad would tell me why I was being spanked. There was one time he didn't, and that REALLY bothered me, and to this day it was such a horrible experience it is the one I remember out of all the rest.
      And thank you, I will talk to him. He is such a loving man... I don't deserve him, but am so glad for him. :)

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  6. Hi Es May, I'm so sorry that you are still sick, it is concerning and I agree with Lucy, if work related, I hope you can get out of there soon.

    No sweetie, you are not wrong. As Tess said, your emotional limits are just as important as your physical limits. You have a lot of stress going on at the moment and add to that you were feeling very poorly at the time so it's no wonder you weren't able to cope as well as your normally do.

    Our tolerance definitely changes from spanking to spanking depending on different factors such as our state of mind and physical condition. I was spanked on Saturday and surprised both myself and Rick by having a much harder time coping than I usually do and I'm still not sure why that was. Our HoH's learn how to read our signals as to how the spanking is affecting us over time.

    Sending you huge (((hugs)))
    Roz

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    1. I found out this morning I am done, yeah!!!!

      I am glad that you were both able to see together that you were having a harder time. The more I hear about Rick, the more I think he's a great guy. :)

      {{{HUGS}}} back to you too. :)

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  7. Well maybe it wasn't a scene from McClintock, but I think this was great. I know, forgive the jet lag. You were able to talk to Duke about this during. He still thought he needed to continue, and he tried, as did you. But eventually you both gave in. He stopped and you opened up.

    Ttwd is far from pretty. It is messy and sloppy but that just happens to be when things get accomplished. I know in the next few months this ananolgy is going to be worked to death, but think of spring. Most people love it...AFTER the melty snow- which exposes new layers of garbage that has accumulated after each snowfall in the winter ( and dog poop..don't forget that), slush, and horrid smells. Everyone says spring! Flowers and Sunshine! But in reality, there is a lot of yuckiness that has to take place before then. Think of this as your first robin sighting or patch of grass!

    love willie

    Ps Roz is also right...lol

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    1. You know, Willie, that is true. We did talk, and it was great. He also told me last night that the reason we didn't get to our maintenance over the weekend was because of all I that I had going on. Not because he was afraid to do it again.

      I love spring, even the muckiness, maybe that is a good thing then. :) It's my favourite season, but it is a transition period, a rebirthing. Thanks, I really like that idea. :)

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  8. As others have already said, you weren't wrong to speak up and emotional limits are absolutely just as important as physical limits. I think the two of you handled a new and difficult situation quite well actually. I'm sorry that you're still sick. I hope and pray that you'll be feeling much better soon! (((hugs)))

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    1. Thank you, Grace. That means a lot coming from you. {{{HUGS}}} I didn't think we handled it well, but seeing the reasons why we did, helps. And thank you for the prayers, I'll take all I can get at this point! But I went in today and I'm done my job. Headset passed in, key tag and locker key. I am officially done! :)

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    2. Well, what I meant was that even though it got messy (which does happen sometimes) the two of you stuck together and got through it. :)

      Congrats on being officially done! Hopefully now you will get well finally! (((hugs)))

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    3. I know! :) I have an appointment with my family doctor tomorrow just to make sure I'm on the right track with my healing. Hopefully she will have good news. :)

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  9. Oh ouch :(

    I think it's normal to feel this way once in awhile. So many factors are at play during a spanking. Time of day, time of month, other emotions, lecture, topic being addressed, hoh emotion, etc. Once I said to my husband "finish beating me so I can go on with my day!" I was feeling so sorry for myself..lol. But that really upset him.

    I'm glad for my 15 minute rule. Sometimes I can't settle down, start to panic, and so I ask for a break. I need to get my head on straight and calm down. For some reason, sometimes a "normal" spanking feels severe and it's impossible to stay in position.

    It's good to stop, and it's good that our men listen to us. We don't have a safe word..I'd probably use it too often :)

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    1. Well it's funny, when I'm being spanked, no matter how hard it is to take, I NEVER think to say the safeword! I don't know why that is. lol

      I have not tried the 15 minute rule, that's a good idea. Though, I think that night it might have helped me put a wall instead of tearing one down. But I think it might help on the nights I am worried about being spanked, or not in the right head space. :)

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Please feel free to leave any comments, but I do ask you to be kind. We go into this with eyes wide open after months of prayer, and a peace in our hearts that this is the right choice before God for our marriage. I am open to questions from those who wonder why we made this choice, but I would ask for no personal attacks. Thank you. :)

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