UNDER CONSTRUCTION

We had to take down all our posts for a while. We did not realize that to put them back up would repost them in everyone's feeds. We apologize for that. We also will do our best, as life allows, to get the rest of the posts up as soon as possible. :)

Sincerely, The Duke and EsMay

Monday, December 31, 2012

Changes In My Husband

I thought today I'd just list the changes I've noticed in my husband in the past week.

1.  He is way more affectionate.  He is not a Physical Touch person much of the time, but in the past week he's been pulling me in for hugs, kisses, holding my hand, and cuddling.  Physical Touch is one of my two top Love Languages, so this has made me very happy.

2.  My other top Love Language is Quality Time.  Well my husband has been giving me this as well, and let me tell you, I have craved it so bad that for months I was crying at the drop of a hat because I felt so unwanted.  But this week my husband couldn't get enough time alone with me.  It felt great!

Now, I don't usually put a lot of stock into Love Languages because mine were always being pushed aside, and we have not been able to find out what my husband's are.  We are told this means then that I am probably filling whatever his Love Language is so that he doesn't know he needs it... but I guess I really don't feel that, and worry that someday he'll realize what it is, and that I haven't been meeting it like he needs.  So for now, I try to give him some of each one.  But now that mine are being met... I am so happy!

3.  He's more confident, and has stood up to a few people now when they tried to make him do something.  Usually my husband will give right in when people push, but not this week! :)  He's even stood up to me, which NEVER happens.  It was shocking, and I was so not expecting it, but I am glad he did.

4.  He's not panicking if he does something he thinks will upset me.  This has made him much easier to be around.  My husband does not like conflict, at all, so in our whole marriage so far, five years, he's been a tense ball of muscles, worrying I'll get after him for every little thing.  But now he's finally realizing that isn't me.  Yes, there are times when I get mad, but it is very rare, and he even admits that himself.  He also admits that when I do, I'm over it quickly, and don't hold onto it.  I think he's compared me to other women in his life that get mad, and often, and hold onto it.  But now he's seeing that I won't do that to him.  It was very frustrating to go this long like this, but was it worth the wait?  Definitely.

I am finding that with all of this, I'm finding my husband even sexier than normal.  I find myself staring at him with stars in my eyes, feeling like I did when we were dating.  He is becoming the man he'd always promised me while we were dating that he'd be when we were married.  I have always wanted to be a submissive wife, but it's near impossible when your husband won't lead, won't even ever ask you to do anything for him, and never shows you if he's displeased or not.  Him now showing me, asking things of me, and showing when I've messed up, I finally feel like we're communicating!  I also love seeing my husband more confident.  He's always been so unsure of himself, and I've prayed so much on that for him, and to see the changes, to see him happier and more relaxed... it'll be worth every spanking, grounding, loss of privileges I ever get!

Why I never heard of DD before, I'll never know, but am so thankful now for it.  I do know I read a story about 12 years ago where a husband spanked his wife, and I was very intrigued, and it played in my head for months, but it never went further.  I am so glad I found DD now.  I pray my marriage keeps growing stronger, and more into what God wants. 

Saturday, December 29, 2012

Thank Goodness For A Good Spanking!

I am sitting on a very sore bottom today.  The first time I've ever been spanked hard enough to have it hurt two hours later, any other time it didn't hurt even five minutes later.

My husband came to me this morning and asked why I was acting so distant over the past few days.  I even was cranky last night.  Come to find out, he forgot all about the speeding I mentioned in yesterday's post, and so I just was out of sorts waiting for the punishment... a punishment he forgot all about.  I thought about reminding him about it last night, but felt if I did so, it would still be me leading the relationship and not him.

Even this morning he just gently asked what was wrong, and I just said I'd be okay and didn't really answer him.  He was about to leave, a bit disappointed, when I told him that he was allowed to tell me to answer him.  Which he proceeded to do.  I told him that having a punish hovering over my head was bothering me.  He then admitted he had no idea what I was supposed to be punished for.  Once I told him he totally remembered.  He asked if he is supposed to remember what needs to be punished for, and not just me.  And I said I believe he did.  I have a wipeable wall calendar that I pulled out a couple weeks ago, but haven't put it up yet.  So we're going to put things on that for now so that he better remembers if a punishment has to wait.

He gave me quite the spanking, harder than I thought he would.  I was laying over the side of the bed for this one, and a couple of times rolled over because it was so painful.  I did roll back after a breath or two, but was very upset with myself that I did that.  I told my husband afterwards I was very sorry for doing so.  He said right now he's not worried about it.   He said he was just glad that I didn't try to stop the spanking, and rolled right back into place after a couple steadying breaths.  He says we can worry about staying in place soon, but right now, it's the mental notion that I'm not in control and that I DO HAVE TO finish the spanking.

I was shocked at his firmness, how he never waivered, but I am also so thankful.  I told him so afterwards, and he said he was thankful too because it made him feel more in control of our relationship, and I can already see the confidence in just the past couple of hours.

So for now, I sit on a sore bottom, and am so thankful for it!  My husband showed today he's in control and that he really does care about me, my submission, and our marriage.  He said he sees how it already put our relationship back to rights  just from this morning.  He feels in control again, and sees how the spanking and the cuddling afterwards brought us close together again, and how my attitude it already better.  I didn't cry this time, but it still put me back into a good frame of mind.

Friday, December 28, 2012

A Put Off Spanking

Well, this past week has been a bit off, and I'm feeling the effects of it today. 

Monday night was a four hour drive in the dark, and that always stresses me out.  Except that this time it was really dark.  The pavement was dark, the trees were dark, the sky was dark, and it was really hard for me to see the highway even with my brights on.  After over half an hour of this, I was very excited to see a car come up behind me and pass me.  I find in the dark I can follow a car with a lot more confidence.  If I let them get 10-15 seconds a head of me, I can see with their headlights as well that there are no animals or objects in the road.  I can tell in plenty of time if the car hits any ice and swerves so that I myself can miss it.  But there was only one problem in following this car.  My husband and I have a rule.  I can go 6m/10km over the speed limit, but that is it. 

I am not saying this rule we have is right, or wrong, but it is the rule we have agreed upon.  The reason we have agreed to this, is because in talking to different police officer friends of ours, we have learned that around here the speed limits were purposefully put at 6m/10km under what is a good driving speed because they know everyone will go the 6m/10km over, and people are not allowed to be charged while doing this.

But when following this guy, he was going 12m/20km over the posted speed limit of 70m/110km.  Let me tell you, I freaked myself going that speed, but I did so for half an hour because there was literally no one else on the road.  I admitted to my husband how fast we'd been going when I finally decided I couldn't keep up with the guy in front of us any more because I was too freaked out.  But this was Monday night, and tonight will be when I am punished for it.

It was stupid, I really should have just been okay going way under the speed limit and driving at the speed needed for how well I could see, but I was wanting to be done driving so bad that I drove dangerously, not only putting my life in danger, but my husband's as well.  My husband wanted us to ge to our destination as quickly as possible to see his family, but he did not once suggest that I should speed.  I disrespected him not only in breaking a rule, but in putting his life at risk.  That is never okay.  I feel so bad now that I have put it into a proper light.  Then I was only thinking about getting to his family quickly, now I see how reckless that was.

I wasn't nervous until today.  I was supposed to be punished on Wednesday night once we were back home, but my husband was tired and didn't do the spanking.  Last night we were visiting friends, and he was tired.  The friend we were visiting does not have good hearing, and we could have gotten away with it.  So today I'm feeling the inconsistency... and praying I can let that go during my punishment.  I really pray as well that my husband will follow through tonight.

I hate that I broke the rules, but I also feel a bit disoriented in our relationship right now because that has not been dealt with.  I feel a bit that how he feels is more important to him than me.  But I then have to admit... that is exactly the mindset I must have had to have driven so fast the other night.  Who am I to let it bother me if I'm just getting the same treatment back that I gave him?  I think this is also made worse because he was too tired on Sunday to do the maintenance spanking he had talked about the night before, so I already was feeling a bit disconnected.  Am I built all wrong to feel this way?  I hope that now that he's had a few good nights of sleep, we can get over him being too tired.  I hope to sit down and talk with him about what we can do to better establish punishments when he is that tired, and maybe how to avoid him getting that tired as it's hard on him to be so.

Sunday, December 23, 2012

I Finally Cried!

I feel like a school girl. I honestly do, in a VERY good way.  If you read two days ago, you know I was having real issues connecting mentally during a spanking.  So yesterday my husband tried the new bath brush, and it made all the difference. I believe prayer did as well. But I also believe it was the warm up.

Because my husband has only been comfortable with giving up to 30 spanks at a time so far, we have not practiced a warm up before. But yesterday, my husband did a warm up. 20 spanks. But then he did about 15-20 with the bath brush in total, 3 were quite hard, and I was really surprised at their intensity. I literally started to cry, it was great, he then said two more, and we were done. But it was too quick. The starting to cry and being held was great, but I feel like I needed a longer cry. We have decided to try it again today and have him go a bit longer once I start crying.  These are maintenance spankings, pre prep spankings... or whatever you want to call it.  Just a trial run with the bath brush before I really need a punishment spanking with it.  I have had a few punishment ones with his hand, or spoon, but even without the new bath brush we thought it would be good to have a maintenance one before the holidays and I deal with a lot of family and the stress of being around so many people at once.  And if I can get to crying more today than yesterday, I really think it'll be a good emotional cleansing. 

Talk about the son we lost always comes up with this group of family, I really love them, but since we lost our son, it has been really hard to be around them.  Especially a niece who no one thinks to calm down the questions from, and I'm never sure how to ask her to back down, so I always try to change the subject, usually without success.  So I really think this emotional cleansing will be great so that I'm relaxed going in, and hoping that will make dealing with the stress easier.

Sitting here, writing about it... I do wonder if the warm up made all the difference instead of the object we used.  My husband talked to me more, and his soft touch after the warm up helped keep me grounded and in the moment.  But the talking, we didn't really talk during the spankings before, but this time, he talked all the way through the warm up.  He also encouraged me through the actual spanking.  When I started to make noise because of the pain, he told me I was doing good, and that I was okay.  I think that helped me connect with him as well.  Since yesterday,... well it was so great that I've been looking at my husband like a silly school girl every since. That connection, crying in his arms, feeling sheltered by his hold.  It was just great.  I feel so much more love for him all the sudden, I feel giddy!  I feel so dependant on him, and all the sudden like he's the hero in my world.  I've been looking like an idiot with googly eyes at him, and he just looks at me, smiles, and chuckles.  Let's hope this tames down a bit before we visit the in-laws!  lol

I can't wait to see how we grow.  We opened our Christmas cards to each other today before we see all the family, and his card said he feels so much closer to me since we've been starting DD in the past month.  I always worried he'd never welcome in this type of lifestyle, and there are still some issues that make me wonder if it'll stick, but for now, I'm so happy, and so is he.  I plan to stay in it for the long haul, and pray he does too.  Right now he's very optimistic, but I still sense a bit of hesitancy from him.  But hoping it goes away. :)  And soon.

Friday, December 21, 2012

Didn't See This Coming

Spankings have not been a big part of our DD experience yet.  I really thought it would be, but it's not working out as planned.  I was physically abused at the hands of my mother when I was a child.  It is something I have over come, and I have a great life now, and is something that never comes up anymore.  But when approaching DD, one of the warnings they give is to those that have been abused in the past.  So I was prepared to handle things if I panicked... but what I didn't expect was to sort of zone out during a spanking, like, my brain disconnects from what's going on.  Going over my husband's knee does not make me afraid, or remember my past.  I sit over my husband's knee just as confident in his love as always, feeling as safe as always.  But then, at about spank 3, my brain switches.  All the sudden I'm not laying there, waiting for the release so many people in DD talk about, that release of emotions.  I was so looking forward to having that experience, but so far, it's been a no go.

So far we've only had my husband's hand which gets sore quickly, a wooden spoon which doesn't really hurt, and a bamboo cane for spanking.  Because of the severe nature of the bamboo cane, I read up on it a lot to make sure we used it safely.  The only reason we even have it is that a few summers ago I bought bamboo cane to put in the garden for climbing plants.  I had some pieces left over, one of which was about 20-24 inches long, and smooth all the way around except for one notch about 6 inches up, which seems to have been purposefully put there to point out which end is to hold, and which end is the business end.  So when we used that, we did a few trial runs first to see how hard was safe, and my husband really listened to my lead on that one, thank goodness!  But because it can be an intense weapon, we only use it up to 20 times, 10 a bit softer, 10 a bit harder.

So yesterday I went out in search of a wooden paddle, or wooden hairbrush, or wooden back bath scratcher/brush.  The wooden hairbrushes that I found all had ceramic in them as well, that did not sound safe, and having not heard about ceramic, I refused to buy it.  I could not find a paddle anywhere I looked, not in a single store.  But I did find a thick, long handled bath brush, but they were only made out of bamboo, I could find none made out of any other wood.  But because it's a bath brush with a wide flat head, and not a cane, I think it will be safe to use.  I'm hoping because this bath brush will be able to be used longer than the other items we have, that maybe I can come out from behind the wall in time to emotionally reconnect before the end of the spanking.

Until now, my husband was worried about hurting me during a spanking, and so kept them rather short, or I think short, maybe I'm wrong, but 30 spankings or under.  So we've agreed next time to a warm up, and then 50 spanks afterwards.  I have a REALLY HIGH pain tolerance due to daily pain from headaches, and I don't bruise, so I think this would be good to try to see if I can reconnect before the end.  How high is too high a number for spankings?  I can't seem to find that.  I also hear about timed spankings, but never seem to be able to find what is a good, or safe length of time?  I'm going to guess it just goes up here or there depending on if you're a beginner, moderate or experience?

When I looked into DD, and prayed about my past, I felt real reassurance that feeling like a victim would not come back into the picture.  And so, in that sense, the abuse is not bothering us entering DD.  But if this zoning out, or what ever it's called, keeps happening, then in that sense, it is bothering us entering DD.  So for now we use other disciplines, I find having to write lines really helps!  I have found I really don't like that!  And I haven't lost my laptop yet, but that is a REAL motivator to behave. :)  I love my laptop, I prayed and waited for it for a LONG TIME, so I really don't want it taken, even for a night, for punishment.

But I won't lie, I'm almost looking forward to my next spanking to see if the brush will make all the difference.  We plan to try it out this weekend for my first maintenance spanking.  We're only having it because I'll be around people I do love soon afterwards, but who also stress me out if I'm even a little bit frazzled.  So we're hoping this will make me more relaxed when I'm around them.  I'll let you know how it goes.

Wednesday, December 19, 2012

Starting Out In DD

I have been looking into Domestic Discipline for several months now.  My husband and I have been playing around with it for the past month, talking about ideas, how we'll handle situations, and about whether this is really right for us.

My husband was so against the idea at first.  He thought I just wanted to be spanked.  He was worried it was just a fetish, but most of all he worried he'd have to be punishing me all the time.  We talked about it for months, about once every 3-4 weeks because I didn't want to over whelm him.  For a good 4 months or so, he thought this way.  And then about a month and a half ago, I finally found the words to portray what I meant.

I let him know how I was struggling to be the kind of woman I wanted to be, for him, for God, for myself.  I told him I had never had to be accountable to anyone.  I had always been allowed to do what I wanted because I'd always had a strict moral code, and so people found me very trustworthy.  But that didn't teach me a thing about self control and self discipline when I was faced with something I didn't have a huge conviction for.  I want to keep my house clean, but a lot of times I just skim past to what is acceptable.  I want to lose weight, but have a hard time staying motivated to exercise.  I used to be a very laid back person, but since loosing a baby 2 hours after it was born last year (our only born child), I find there are times I completely break down, and wish afterwards someone had just stepped up and told me to calm down and to stop yelling.

I also told him how I would feel guilty when I had done something wrong, but with no real way, that I could find, to effectively punish myself, I often went around feeling lost.  I told him how secure it would make me to have to be accountable to him.  How it wasn't about being spanked.  I also went over the other disciplines people have talked about with him like writing out lines, corner time, going to bed early, loss of priviledges.  I also told him that in our marriage he feels quite loved and secure, but that is because I wear the pants in the family, and he knows I hate it.  I feel completely out of my element leading our household.  I feel lost having to make decisions on my own.

So I let him know that I love him, but that I needed him to step up.  I told him I just needed help being the best I could be, and that his participation would be out of love, and not putting me beneath him.  I also have been feeling so distant from him, so disconnected, and I wantd to see if this would help.  And let me tell you, he's been stepping up.  It's still small, but I already see a vast improvement.  He also realizes he won't be punishing me all the time.  But we have sat down and written out some rules, and plan to add a few more each week for the next few weeks.

- So far I have a chore list for 5 days a week.
- I have an exercise schedule for 5 days a week.
- I have to be in bed by 11:30pm.
- I need to be up by 8:15am. (My husband doesn't work until mid morning)
- I have to be careful of what I watch, read and listen too. 

We even wrote out what the minimum discipline would be for each infraction, and he can add to that based on what he feels is best at the moment.  We've gone with these for a few weeks, and are now ready to look into more.  This week I hope to add to the list things like Swearing, I never swear unless I'm really angered, but when I get to that point... it's not good. :(  Thankfully I've only been that mad about 8 times this year, but still, it needs to be dealt with.  I also want to add to the list that I'm not allowed to rant, ever, it's always at the same time as the swearing, so about 8 times this past year... but I want them to both be their own offenses. 

I am so excited for this new lifestyle we're going to live.  I am so excited to see how it will strengthen our marriage and bring us closer together.